Outburst
Talking to Mas on Skype just makes me ... cry ... for some reason.
Unfortunate timing but then the newspaper guy comes collecting money and my brother and mother come asking for cash and I transferred the outburst onto them. Makes me feel so guilty.
---
I really hate feeling like that. I hate feeling weak. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate feeling that I can't plow 100% of myself forward into things and decisions like I used to and like I've always done. And time and time again the only solution that I can think of at this point is just a break-up. But at the same time I know that's just the unreasonable side of myself being... well unreasonable. Because in the end I know that I will be the one who will probably hurt the most from that decision, especially if I'm the one who's going to pull the trigger. It's so easy though isn't it? It's just a word away... So simple really. So simple that I have to keep fighting myself from even muttering that word by accident.
I hate it.
---
Doesn't help that I find myself at this point in time when I have to make a decision about the direction of my life from now on, and no matter how many people I talk to, no matter how many websites I check, or how many times I ask myself what I want to do, I just have no answer. I wish I didn't feel the need to think so thoroughly before making commitments, and that maybe I wish I wasn't such a stickler about commitments that I make; maybe I'd be having an easier time now then.
I just wish I had a crystal ball letting me know what consequences my decisions might entail, and then maybe I'd be able to choose from there. It's so hard not knowing which decisions will keep me walking towards you, and which will take me away from you.
---
And it keeps coming back to me that I've never thought myself capable of a LDR because I know I don't have the patience. Nor am I sure that I possess the ability to keep liking someone who's just not physically here. I thought I'd be able to do better, but after coming back from CA, any trace of self-control or self-reliance seems to have disappeared. I don't know what's going on. I guess some part of me is belligerent that at a point when I'm feeling so lost, the one person I want by my side is not here. And the belligerence continues to say, if you're not here now, then you might as well not be here at all.
I guess ultimately, I'm losing faith in myself. I am not the most patient, and I hate feeling vulnerable and open; and being without one half is just like having a gaping wound open for anyone or anything to poke at. Funny that I have to learn how to be on my own again and seal up all the wounds and vulnerability, and yet still somehow leave enough such that I won't seal you away as well.
I guess, I'm just not sure how long I can hold on. I'm sorry, and scared even, to say something like that. But it might be better to spew it out somewhere than to keep having it rebound all around in my head.
~ st*rcr*ss*d ~
Unfortunate timing but then the newspaper guy comes collecting money and my brother and mother come asking for cash and I transferred the outburst onto them. Makes me feel so guilty.
---
I really hate feeling like that. I hate feeling weak. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate feeling that I can't plow 100% of myself forward into things and decisions like I used to and like I've always done. And time and time again the only solution that I can think of at this point is just a break-up. But at the same time I know that's just the unreasonable side of myself being... well unreasonable. Because in the end I know that I will be the one who will probably hurt the most from that decision, especially if I'm the one who's going to pull the trigger. It's so easy though isn't it? It's just a word away... So simple really. So simple that I have to keep fighting myself from even muttering that word by accident.
I hate it.
---
Doesn't help that I find myself at this point in time when I have to make a decision about the direction of my life from now on, and no matter how many people I talk to, no matter how many websites I check, or how many times I ask myself what I want to do, I just have no answer. I wish I didn't feel the need to think so thoroughly before making commitments, and that maybe I wish I wasn't such a stickler about commitments that I make; maybe I'd be having an easier time now then.
I just wish I had a crystal ball letting me know what consequences my decisions might entail, and then maybe I'd be able to choose from there. It's so hard not knowing which decisions will keep me walking towards you, and which will take me away from you.
---
And it keeps coming back to me that I've never thought myself capable of a LDR because I know I don't have the patience. Nor am I sure that I possess the ability to keep liking someone who's just not physically here. I thought I'd be able to do better, but after coming back from CA, any trace of self-control or self-reliance seems to have disappeared. I don't know what's going on. I guess some part of me is belligerent that at a point when I'm feeling so lost, the one person I want by my side is not here. And the belligerence continues to say, if you're not here now, then you might as well not be here at all.
I guess ultimately, I'm losing faith in myself. I am not the most patient, and I hate feeling vulnerable and open; and being without one half is just like having a gaping wound open for anyone or anything to poke at. Funny that I have to learn how to be on my own again and seal up all the wounds and vulnerability, and yet still somehow leave enough such that I won't seal you away as well.
I guess, I'm just not sure how long I can hold on. I'm sorry, and scared even, to say something like that. But it might be better to spew it out somewhere than to keep having it rebound all around in my head.
~ st*rcr*ss*d ~
posted by fallen star at 6:58 PM
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