Lost and Found

I saw this on FB and it reminded me of this blog heh. I had named this blog for exactly the sentiments captured by the quote below.

It's been about 2 years since I've returned to Singapore from studying abroad. 2 years where I've tried to settle down in the rat race, and pick up the reins of being a responsible family member, good worker, and maintain or grow my social network/interests/hobbies.

Yet, I find that I still crave the unfamiliar environments, the pain of not knowing the language around you, of walking down strange roads that I do not have know where they lead. The strange yet beautiful feeling.

I think that is a type of pain I am willing, and even looking forward to facing. Now to follow it...

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Love is not enough

I would love to take JKN up on his offer to fly to Tokyo to discuss "love"... but I think for now dinner with Egg and XX would suffice. Haven't met him in so many years! :)

And so we agreed: Falling in Love is chemistry (and very easy); Staying in Love is a Choice.

This, is what I mean when I said "love is a choice". Commitment is a part of it, but not commitment to another, but to yourself - the commitment to renew your efforts each day to facilitate love, continually open your heart and bare your soul despite the huge risk of hurt.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Day After

We broke up... and I dreamt I was kissing a girl...

Uh... Haha. Other than that, it was a very cool dream, which involved meeting old classmates/schoolmates, being at a super posh resort/clubhouse with badminton courts, floorball classes for young kids where they somehow stand in nets that go up in the air and somehow score into another net from there, and a taxi driver who drives through Kensington Court, pedestrian walkways, and steep scary bridges constructed of nothing more than sandbags, dirt, and mud. Oh and "wet rooms" (saunas) in the clubhouse, which by the way even has a pool and is actually a boat parked in a bay! And that clubhouse boat could go out for a 'drive' around the bay, with floor to ceiling windows at the hull to show the amazing view.

Ahh, dreams.

On another note, I have bought my tickets to Finland. Also, JKN's reply to my update made me tear. One tear. Thankful for the friends I have and the way they kind of think I am awesome :)

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

On Repeat

He just wrote to tell me someone fell for him and confessed recently... Someone who I had thought had been out of the picture for some time.

I think he expected a big reaction and panic mode; but I just felt very cool. My defense mechanisms did not even seem to spring up... maybe not yet, or maybe they have but I just have not realized it. One of the stronger thoughts coming through is "How does he know he really doesn't like her? Maybe he should give her a chance." Weird thought?

On a side note, hearing this just made me feel like my past experience was on repeat. Incredible; I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.

I think I'll just settle for sleeping on the bus to floorball. Just when I thought I've kind of solved one conundrum (floorball), another pops up. Ah, Life.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

The two boys of the family

Just gave my grandma a call to arrange a dinner with her the coming week to celebrate her birthday, but invariably the topic turns to that of when my brother is coming back from Sydney?

I am so annoyed. That dude is freaking 24 and everyone knows he's super smart, and he himself says that it's our own fault for caring too much about him, so why do we still care so much whether he's going to get in trouble or not?? And am I supposed to be my brother's caretaker? Oh and the dad too. Yesterday was Auntie SM looking for the dad; today is the grandma and aunt asking about the brother Down Under.

WHY ME. So annoying. Argh. And of course here I am texting the dad three times and still no reply. Do I have to dig him out too??

This sucks.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

我们如此遥远。。。

"You're so positive it sounds so fake and chirpy and so freaking annoying."

... is what I wanted to say this morning. But I swallowed it in. The beauty, and unfortunate thing of communicating through a device and a screen, is that you always get to filter and filter and put only a front forward. So it feels unreal. How much can you really feel through a bloody screen? Can you tell the slight disbelief some times when I see you type something like "I love you. I'll be thinking of you!"? Can you? "Really? How can you love me all the time? I don't love you all the time. Is it bad of me?" is what I think. Can you tell when I'm laughing, but not with you? Can you tell the insincerity when I 'listen' to your day and yet another story of you being pulled in directions where you expend yourself covering up other people's shit and yet you justify it as a "good learning experience"? Can you?

You say you're ready to listen and talk now, now that I've flared up and got mad this morning, at god knows what. I tell you... I don't really have anything to say. Because I really don't. I don't know what to say to you anymore. I don't understand it myself, so how can I help you understand it? I hate that I have to try and verbalize every single thing and feeling and thought and doubt, because verbalizing is all that we have, isn't it? But I've never been the "babbling brook", never been the storyteller, so how do I start now?

I'm tired of feeling like the bad one; of feeling like the one who doubts all the time; of feeling like the one who thinks in this relationship; of the one who's forgetting how to feel in a relationship; of being the one who says "I love you" less; of being the one who seems to love less. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I don't know what I want. Right now all I can think of is "it's not you, it's me", you know that famous b-up line... But I don't know what is the outcome I want. I feel lost. I think I need to find myself. So I think that means I need time alone. But I'm already alone, so what the hell do I want from you???

I don't know. Maybe a real reaction?

I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to figure out things on my own, because I don't know how to share.

Please just leave me be.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Dilemma

One week since the end of my rotation. The new role has been interesting, and leaving the office everyday with daylight to spare has been pretty darn good.

Maybe now I'll start getting back into the groove for squash and floorball again.

====

In other matters, it feels like he's trying really hard, and I'm not so sure I'm on the same page. I even wonder, is he feeling the lack of sincere attention from me on some subconscious level and compensating for it? Recently he's been trying to strike up conversations here and there, and talking about his life with renewed vigour. I can't say I'm doing the same though. Even his invitation to chat is not very welcome...

I've started looking up links like "How to end a LDR", or "When do you know your relationship is ending?" etc... I think this probably had lots to do with my talk with Evelyn and then YY in the past 2 weeks... And today, I saw somewhere that one of the most terrifying things about getting together with someone is that you might either end up together forever, or breaking up at some point, and both are equally terrifying prospects. So true.

And even though verbally I say I am trying to give him space and time to find himself, I just can't find the sincerity to substantiate that. Especially when he lets on that he went to bed at 5am and skipped dinner for some school club that he can't seem to distangle himself from. I don't get why, and I'm not even sure I want to.

"Do you still feel for him?" ... How the heck would I know. Sometimes, I think this relationship is becoming more of a "thinking" relationship than "feeling". Blah.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~