Wonder if there's such a word as that: -Wonderings. Like you know, a noun; the stuff that you wonder about? heh.
Everytime I blog, everything I want to say just gets washed away clean. Maybe that's why I try to keep it up, because even though it mostly doesnt help to sort out this jumble that my mind is, it helps me momentarily forget that things bother me. Yeah cuz you know when you try to recall and make sense of something, it just doesn't come to you and your mind drifts away... awaaayyy...
My dad asked me today if I wanted to go Penang. Said he's flying there tmr morning and will be back on saturday. I almost half hoped he'd force me to go even though I'd just die of boredom there. Half of me so badly wanted to skip my responsibilities and training and just expectations for once. Play truant you know. Invariably however, when you do actually play truant or escape, the feeling or satisfaction isn't all that great... Yeah. Well anyway but if he came back saturday night I'd miss UWC and that wuz just too great a responsibility to shirk... So I just.. couldnt. I would have died of boredom in SP anyway. Esp since none of my siblings are going and there's nothing for me to study and my dad will just spend alot of time outta the house with his friends and I will just... while away my time as usual. Sigh. Is that called 'idyllic'? Sitting around with the fan blowing straight at you trying to keep the cloying heat away, lazily slapping mosquitos and waiting for that 3 o'clock tv show and just lunch time and dinnertime...
Shit I don't ever want that I hope... It's damn fucking boring. The only time I really ever felt bored ALL the way to my bones was then in SP. Gosh... The freaking heat and heat-trapping concrete bricks didnt help either.
Speaking of which, my dad just had to ask my permission to give his badminton rackets to his nieces? Helloooo? I don't even know if they would appreciate the value of those rackets (1, being that they cost at least 80-130$ each; 2, that my dad loves his rackets to bits; 3, another of his gestures). I mean wtf man, would they even play?!?! All they did at home wuz.... stay in the room, watch tv, eat and I dunno man... They dont like sports it seems. Sad.
I dunno why my dad had to ask my 'permission' just now. Hello man, it's his rackets and besides can I say 'no'? It's honestly too much. First my dad had to go tell me that he transferred his malaysian account to his brother and it had like oh just a few ten thousands in there you know. And then he goes on about wondering if we should donate the new Dell to them too and now the rackets. Fuck you know, if they were poor go ahead. But then I hear things from my grandma herself (who's staying there) that uncle's rich cuz after all he is working for Sony for how long liao... and they cant fucking repair the mosq net in ah ma's room?! I guess he's just thrifty from young. But still why bring me into this ugh.
I'm getting bitter tonight. And increasingly selfish. My dad can give ten thousand to his nephew whos some ungrateful brat whom gu anshi ang keeps flooding my mailbox and gloating about now. And my dad can easily buy an apartment in cameron highlands. And he can easily buy workbenches, plasma tvs, bunches of vcds weekly, new rackets and wateva. Sure I know, it's his money and he should spend it however he likes. But I'm honestly fucking sick of this money shit you know. As I grow older now, I increasingly wonder how much money does he have? How much money does my mother have? I cant wait to get out to work cuz I want the money and I still have two fucking younger brothers in this family to feed/support/nurture wtv. Yet I also know, I get more money by studying more. Yet at the same time, I can't help but wonder... "IS THERE GONNA BE ENOUGH MONEY FOR MY UNI EDUCATION?" To think he wanted to send me to study in Australia last year. Hah. I'm increasingly sure I'll need to work and study part time and it's not appealing at all... I got friends who stay in New England lookalike resort houses in Bukit Timah; I got friends who look down on people who just want to save that 2 more bucks and sneer at them for being 'kiam'; I got friends whose house has like 3 plasma tvs, tons of room and Amazon birds; I've got friends whose parents can afford to buy a house for the eldest sibling in America. The money seems so... comfortable and easy man.
Maybe now I realise the truth in that money really makes the world go round huh...
And marriage... lol its a fucking joke. If you're gonna be a parent, lemme give you one advice... Don't and i say DONT use your children as the sounding boards for your dissatisfaction with your fucking spouse! And DONT ever underestimate the effect and the extent of unhappiness a kid gets from your complaints because NOBODY wants their parents to be sad if they can help it man. Dont ever ever ever think anything your kid tries to do to help lessen the problems between his parents is irrelevant.
Fuck you all. Have a good night.
Oh did i mention? OP was a fantastic blast. Hah. I really cant seem to bother to take anything outta of myself for it anymore. Or more like there's nothing left.
~ st*rcr*ss*d ~
