Minute Details

past few days...

talked to pau when i wuz feeling so upset and down... helped alot and put things in perspective. thanks so much babe. that same day i rushed off to get the canvas white bag from the person. kinda decided what design I wanna do on it. I'm suddenly having this design and create my own stuff phase, except I gotta find time to go down to places and actually buy the stuff. i'm quite excited really =)

been staying back till 9 most of this week. exception of tuesday where i got so frustrated working in the canteen that i left earlier. wateva it is, i'm always gonna study in the library till i find a better place. the canteen is so unconducive for me haha.

wonder if i'll still be staying back and studying as such when school reopens. j2s prelims start then. haha. oops okay la i probly will. im not just there to look at some guy... tho sometimes seeing him is a boon ya.

been reading comics. found two really good series. The Authority and 100 Bullets. Fantastically hooking stuff!

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Friendship + Work = Good or Bad?

Recently I've been feeling strained towards t sai. Like just constantly trying to hold myself from bursting out. I wonder if it's just me and pms + super lack of sleep and too much homework, or is my feeling reasonable...

I wonder if I'm the only one feeling it, but it's like I feel she doesn't really live up to her post. Yes it's true that she has told sir that she has a punctuality problem, yes she's always been like that... but that doesnt mean she has to STAY like that right?! It's like she tells me training she's actually damn on liao but she's still kinda slack... And plus she doesnt really help me with the other admin stuff. That's probably my fault cuz I just don't give her any to do. I just ask her to take charge of ONE training and she gimme black face liao. How the hell am I supposed to ask her to do the other stuff?! Plus like she's been almost always late for trainings recently, and like kept "blaming" me for cheating her feelings on that day when sir suddenly cancelled soccer rematch cuz the sky wuz really dark like about to storm. Then she had to go on and on about how I cheated her feelings and made her change all the way into pe attire and go there... Very hard meh!? I'm sorry la. But I ASKED you all in the first place if you all even wanted to play! AND YOU ALL SAID YES! Is that my freaking fault? And I don't like answers like "anything" "i'm fine with anything" when you obviously aren't! Plus when I ask for advice I'm sure these are soooo gonna help me decide man... Wth. I really wanna tell her about all these, but I kinda know her and we were friends from before this thing.. So I guess that's why they say friends should never become workmates huh.. I guess unless you have the same type of standards and attitude towards the work.... Even El ly yesterday kept mentioned that ts ai's damn AP to me... I never freaking realised it. Lol. It struck me as really quite true.. I can't believe I'm so pathetic. SOOOO Pathetic jjing... soooo pathetic. stupid freaking pushover... wake up man...! Most of the time I see her either she's like moody but saying she's not or I'm trying to cheer her up cuz someone pissed her off or she's damn tired or something. Wtf. What about me?! When I try to start to share something that really means something to me or my feelings, she somehow just starts giving me those shrugs and eye movements.. Ahhh.... I know if I start saying stuff to her she'll just throw it back in my face at inappropriate moments in the future. She's quite distant from hockey too. It's like now she'll be hanging around with some of her other friends or classmates until they leave or something and everyone else is at the table doing something useful... aiya mbbe i'm supposed to call her over or something. but what for. heck whatever. at least i still have the other "on" team members... Hopefully this will change soon.

Sigh. And the worst thing is I feel like I can't tell anyone at all. Because I don't want the atmosphere to turn frosty, even in the least... I hate seeing black faces. Especially if I feel they have no fucking reason to be.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

tired of being considerate, tired of trying to please everybody, tired of being so goody two shoes, tired of feeling like im just used by ppl, tired of feeling like i dont matter, tired of bugging ppl, tired of having to be responsible, tired of feeling im there for ppl to use as and when they like or discard as and when they dont like, tired of thinking too much when i wanna tell ppl stuff just cuz im scared theyll get pissed or hurt, tired of trying to be the middleman, tired of trying not to bitch, tired of not having anyone who i can just bitch to, tired of always trying to be happier and make ppl smile, tired of my vcapt giving me black face and damn helpful comments, tired of trying to do everything myself because i dont want ppl to feel like theyre burdened, tired of restraining myself when i wanna beat the fuck outta ppl and just scream, tired of getting vibes that ppl think im like too friendly or just fucking weird, tired of my own drive to try and do my best this time, tired of the expectations of all the teachers, tired of all my hesitating and just wasting away those moments of my life, tired ... of just trying to find something meaningful and smile-inducing to do every single day... tired of putting myself down automatically, tired of feeling like a pushover for my friends, tired of them not really seeming to realise it, tired of the hopes my parents have in me, tired of the thought that i still have a year to go, tired of feeling like all that shit is dousing my passion, tired of hearing insults and just bracing for more each time i see him, tired of having to live up a reputation that is so easily built but dastardly hard to rebuild, tired of just not daring, tired of just feeling like a baby... tired of constantly being the one who has to approach and apologise, tired of being the only one whos sensitive to others or mbbe just apparently oversensitive, tired of answers like "uhh anything" "watever" "fine okay"...

i'm just tired, okay? Maybe I just need some rest. Some deep healing sleep.

When you’re down and troubled

And you need a helping handAnd nothing, whoa nothing is going right.

Close your eyes and think of meAnd soon I will be there

To brighten up even your darkest nights.

You just call out my name,

And you know whereever I am

I’ll come running, oh yeah baby

To see you again.

Winter, spring, summer, or fall,

All you have to do is call

And I’ll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You’ve got a friend.

Or maybe just to get a friend like that. I really wish... But it's so hard to open oneself up to trust and have that trust thrown back in your face each time because humans are just not perfect but we still somehow expect them to be deep down inside. So each mistake they make, locks up more trust each time and appears just that hairline fissure...

I just need to find peace within myself again.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Fuck

I can't believe myself. I've been shopping non-stop ever since I found sgselltrade and like spending money needlessly. Worse thing is, cuz its transfers, I don't feel the money going outta my hand. What I normally won't pay for or buy even though I like alot, I am online... I think it's just cuz I have this bottled up accumulated feeling of wanting to have fun since the start of the year. I can't rmb the last time I seriously seriously just let myself go. I'm having fun in school yes, but I wanna have fun playing...!! Sigh.

Speaking of which, recently I just feel more and more... just freaking busy and stressed maybe. All the hockey stuff, the proposals, interhouse, school work... Freak. And the realisation that promos is actually about a month away... Somehow, my good habit of sleeping at 11 has been eroded and I actually sleep at 2am now without doing anything productive! Just stoning on the computer trying to do something. Doesn't help that everyday I go home late now or that I usually have tiring activities after school...

Went out yesterday for the WHOLE day. I've never been the sort who can last throughout the entire day just being busy. It's so freaking tired. Plus I have been tired the past two weeks... So I really don't see how I survive. Floorball in the morning... Not exactly very fun. In fact not fun at all. Oh well. Then hung around awhile with them before going home to bathe change etc. Shopping with joy ce. I wuz late again. Haha. Oh and I saw joa n! Super duper hot... Yeah so went around Orchard trying to find jo yce a denim skirt and we couldnt find many denim skirts at all -.-'' I guess because most shops have been taken over by the boho trend. Oh yeah in the end bought her skirt at Toss. I bought a top too. I quite like it, but I don't think I'll actually wear it. Plus the sleeves are kinda loose that they fall off my shoulders. Nvm. Billy Bomber's cheese fries are da best man. Yeah welll got a John Farnham cd from gramophone too. But i have a feeling i'll only like that one song that i kno "You're the Voice". lol. another needless buy.

Ka's party was like the pits. Argh. Cuz I didn't kno anyone welll there... And all the class girls didnt freaking turn up. f la. even joy ce who earlier gave me black face when I mentioned I might not go. "Why!?!" "I'm really tired la and I dont kno anyone there" she proceeded to go on abt how everyone thinks that way so nobody goes. Fuck you. It was true. And the worst thing was she didnt go. Ended up having too much fun there. But Im forgiving and nice so I told her not to go the party anyway cuz it sucked. Maybe she'd have been better there la. She knows the ppl more.

Wtv. I'm in a bad mood all the time these past two weeks. So much freaking homework that I dont like to do like position papers and pw written report. I've never worked with ppl before for position paper... I'm still a loner then. Heh. sigh.

Worst thing is, I don't really look forward or get that gushy feeling when I see him now. Maybe my bad mood is so all-encompassing that it even affects that. Either that or I just lost the feeling. He's still cute though.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Full House

Lol. I was so addicted that I watched 24 discs x 45 mins each at a go! Well... almost at a go... Slept a few hours in between. Thankfully I had enough self control and know myself well enough to only do this cuz it was the national day holiday.. Phew. Initially Rain was soooo not cute but of cuz he got better ya, esp when he pouted when he's trying to be nice to her and she's mean! Hehe! Gosh. This is like the Bo Li Xie... all the ppl super goodlooking dey!

Anyway, I suddenly pass by him alot of times these two days! Quite amazing. Haha but I think it's like over cuz I don't feel like nervous or anything when I walked past him and looked at him like normally. He didn't smile at me or look like he was half-smiling nor did he wave though! No bigggie though, next time i'll be the one who initiates. Hehe. Since I'm not nervous and can look him in the eye now. I'm so brave =)

Today, I threw Ry an's wallet across the classroom, intending for him to catch it. But OoOPs! I threw it too high... and it kinda got sliced by the fan. Smart move darling. Haha. Wonder what's with me! First her motorola v3 and then now his walet. Alamak. Sometimes I wish I could relieve unhappiness and have everyone just smile and feel so much better. I feel painful for to ng sometimes because when he talks abt those stuff, I know how it feels like, having been through similar experiences... And sometimes, the girls in my class are pretty mean... Wish I kno just the right thing to say to send across the message yet defuse tension. Diplomacy is such a task...

Bought lotsa blings recently... I'm hoping I'd be weaned off online shopping soon, or at least find another more affordable and value for money avenue.. I'm freaking broke already. Just from buying 2 belts, 1 black beaded bracelet, 1 turquoise bracelet, 1 dangly star necklace, 1 dangly green square earrings and 1 pearl bracelet. The only purchase that I'm delirious over is the dangly star necklace. Which honestly exceeded my expectations by alot, and this is sweetened by the great friendly attitude of the seller. The white belt was definitely a rather good buy too, with it being so unique and varied in just one belt itself. Let's see how much I've spent so farrrrr...!!

$3 black beaded bracelet (feels cheated hahaa)
$3 pearl satin ribbon bracelet (feel cheated again)
$5 white belt
$5 blue denim belt
$6.5 turq bracelet
$3 dangly green square
------------------------------------
$25.5 TOTAL
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ahhh... so sleepy!!



~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Pampered Lil Brat

I'm such a BRAT. Gosh... I had my first quarrel with my dad in a longggg time. Guess it was way overdue. Nothing has really changed. I, so embarrassingly, teared a little (OKAY LA I CRIED- stupid crybaby ugh) during the argument and the worst thing was I couldn't stop though I was trying sooo hard to! Lol but it all ended okay I guess. I've always known at the back of my mind that I'm really quite lucky cuz my dad will give me whatever I want. So will my mum. Things I ask for that is. Like the denon player and the sofa bed and clothes and and yeah... I dont know why I made such a big fuss over the stupid Acer laptop, I guess maybe because I had such faith in buying it then suddenly it had to screw up before it even worked AND I had to spend 30 bucks getting the freebies AND I had to shuttle back and forth wasting 4-5 hours AND the warranty card thing was so irritating AND to me something that's new and branded (in the sense that its an MNC) shouldnt come with defects! Alamak.

Okay I shall stop making assumptions (about naive things like that repair centres who dont open on saturdays would actually open on a sunday?!) and delaying facing problems. Which brings me back to da wn... I've finally got the guts to blurb out something abt her and my intentions to the team... And got some kinda feedback. So... I'm going to talk to her.. Like asap preferably monday ya.. Hopefully some good will come outta it. And the next time sir scolds me for something which I feel is unwarranted I'm going to scold him back. I have always hated this kinda things. My dad used to do it and I held it in and let it pass but I realised it just builds up in me. I guess in alot of ways sir reminds me of my dad. Maybe because they both had to be independent in a foreign country from a young age; and both then cultivate a set of principles and values by which they live... Haha and errr both quite tanned?! haha. okay sheesh i'm full of shit.

He apparently half-smiled/acknowledged the hocker girls the other day. And just my luck that I was caught up in the ceremony and WASN'T WITH THEM! ='( Gosh first jo an then them! Alamak! Saw him at floorball on friday! (he looks good again.. darn I can't seem to decide if he does or doesnt. UGH) and although I was dying to play but none of the others were down cuz they wanted to rest for the next day's one... Oh well. Tennis with co ns ji adi and jo yce was fun =) Then umm dinner with na djad and them.. Abit weird sia.. But co ns invited him along and he just agreed like that haha.

Monday there's sports carn... Not exactly looking forward to it, but not really dreading it either. Hope it'll be fun either way. =) Plus I really really hope the weathers good because I'm going to have to STAND STILL for like 5 mins wearing a TIE with my proper school u!! Argh. So going to drown in my own sweat.. Ugh... Oh yeah, wonder if he's just not comfortable with girls or is it just me?! It was so painfully awkward between us esp when p au and de sho were so like pally haha.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Numbed and affected

*Yesterday...

Someone had the nerve to get me to move training because she wanted ja to go for her church event thing. I wouldnt have said anything if ja had just missed training had she really wanted to go for that event, because it's her choice... But if you asked me to move training for YOUR event which is of no help to hockey or anything and you're not even going for training... pls... don't go too far. I did say that i hope everyone would be utterly comfortable speaking their minds in the team, but I guess I always assumed that everyone would be rational and reasonable... If your priority no 1 2 or 3 is not hockey i dont blame u. I doubt it is for any of us. But the fact is that we have 105% commitment and if you don't, don't try to take that away from us... Due to the fact that I was groggy when I read the message, it took a really long while to sink in. By the time it registered, I was wondering if I had the right to feel pissed whilst at the same time, I, irritatingly, could see her side as well. I guess for her theres a different priority altogether... But still, I think it went too far. I shall stop telling people about such stuff... It doesnt do any good for team dynamics. I'm just too... open. In any case, it's over. I'm still undecided as to whether to get her out or not though... Handling such situations, require a subtlety and tact that I much lack sometimes... Hehe.


*Today

Ran 30 mins! <3>good fantastic! Because it was meant to be a recovery run and although it hurt and ached quite madly during the run, it worked! And I no longer ache =) Had capoeira for pe elective today. EXCITING STUFF. It's so damnedly graceful and powerful all in that same motion! I'm quite excited and glad that I got this instead of BodyCombat now. Hehe. I wonder if this interest would persist beyond the 5 weeks and spur me to take on lessons at the SubStation... It's one of the cheapest lessons I've heard of. 90 bucks for regn then 90 bucks per month for 8 sessions of 2 hours! Totally cool hehe.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~