Because you do things like...

.. make time for me even when you're busy with school, internship, hockey, friends, oti... :)
.. never get mad at me for nagging you to do your work. :)

Thank you for never making me feel second. Not even when you're busy or tired. Thank you.

Love you :)

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Lazy Weekend, Maybe

I've been sleeping a lot this weekend - late mornings, afternoon, evening naps... plus sleeping in till 1130 of course.

Always tired, be it after meals or going out. Wonder what's up with me hmm.

Always feeling bored, yet restless.

Can't describe the feeling. It's strangely familiar though some part of me senses that it's been a while since I can't seem to place when was the last time I felt like this, and why. I wish I could remember, and then maybe also then be able to recall what I did to resolve this feeling.

Perhaps some part of me is unconsciously letting me know that I'm getting ready, and building up for change.
Maybe that's it. Maybe this is the precursor to some big decision? Maybe an epiphany will strike and I will be released from this gnawing uncertainty? Maybe.

If so, that'd be good. Please come soon.

Or rather, maybe it's trying to tell me that =I= am the one who has to make a decision, to do something, else this feeling will just keep growing and growing and growing.

Maybe, just maybe, it's me telling me that I just need to do something... something drastic. Like cut my hair.








Gravitating towards a medium to short length cut, with long/sideswept fringe. Been a while since I had anything less than long hair. Oh oh, and maybe red/purple highlights. Just maybe.

Life is full of maybes huh.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

When you do things like...

... subscribe to Cook's Illustrated for me...!! :)

... make jams and sweets yourself and send some to me :)

... make a sweet sweeet accordion book displaying amazing photos of us that make me smile :)

... stay up late to "talk" me home... :)

... read me a poem over the phone for our one-year.

... and then mail that poem to me.


I don't know what I did to deserve you, but I promise to keep trying to be a better person for you.

<3 p="p">
~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Tan-uki

Had dinner with X- at a new place in Orchard - Tanu-ki. Sadly the food did not live up to my expectations nor their prices, but I think it's one of the best times I've had with her in a long while.

Spoke about a lot of things - of life, of love, of decisions, of stress, of work, and unfortunately or fortunately, of bad decisions. Learnt and heard about some really sickening stories too... things that people do to themselves, and to others, in the name of "love". So sick. I still feel sick even now.

Worst thing is finding out that the mystery guy at the beginning of all this turns out to be none other than the ex. And it just brought up all the embarrassment and shame again. Again. This time I shared more with her, because I'm learning to let go, and realising that some things have to be let go. But I still couldn't bring myself to say it all. Some other time, when the time is right and if I feel it necessary for my own sake.


So sickening. Sure, we were on bad terms immediately post breakup, but I never lost respect for him as a person, or a friend. Now, today, after hearing this, I am really not sure I can hide any disgust at and for him.

And on the other hand, it made me thankful that I did not go down a path like poor girl V; I've never thought that I could have chosen any other path of course, but hearing this story and seeing how it's all connected to him, it made me realise how easily I could have been like V; and it makes me appreciate that things have turned out so well, especially with Ma- now. I want to share it with Ma- at some point though, but I know I have to pick the right time. I have to share it, if not I don't think I could ever learn to forgive myself.

I need to forgive myself, I understand that now. But I also know that forgiving oneself is sometimes one of the hardest things to do or face.

Thank goodness for amazing friends like XXYY.
Thank god for Mas.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Deadweights and Driftwood

Midway through NAT now - but today was definitely a low point for the class. Everyone just exuded tiredness, so much so it was almost comical. Two people were even standing up and listening to class at some point.

Ended up having to stay till 6pm for the bday cake thing, even though we were let off earlier.
I still feel awkward, to say the least.

The bus ride home was so. so. so. packed.
Just made me think, once again (and again and again), that maybe Singapore is simply too crowded now. Somehow I never had that feeling in Tokyo, despite the 23 million people in the capital.

Am I just growing old? Or still rejecting the reality of a Singapore I no longer quite recognise or feel like I can connect with?

Then I come home, to a 5-room EA, with lots of things and space, but just lacking the most essential thing that makes a house a home - family. And then I start wondering why am I back here? Had I not found out during my uni years that family is best enjoyed in short but quality time periods? Why am I here? What do I have keeping me here? Really?

I love my family, I love the food, I love the green trees and the sheltered walkways everywhere. I love the familiar feeling, and the weather that never gets too cold. I like my room, sometimes. I like my job, or rather at least the benefits and welfare, sometimes. I like that my family is within reach, if and when we do spend time together- which is also? sometimes. But still... I start to wonder exactly what is keeping me here? Who? Why?

Perhaps its just the indecision, the hesitation, or maybe the excuse of not yet knowing what I want or where I want to go. But, I'm starting to wonder how valid that is as a staying reason? Isn't that just called "comfort zone" or "settling"?


I have this indescribable urge to just declutter, remove deadweights (from my life?), and just fling away unnecessary and superficially reassuring add-ons.
So I started by throwing away two pairs of shoes that should have been thrown a long time ago.

Does that count? I hope so.

Now I just need to keep it up.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

15 Jan...

Looking through pictures to Ai Ni by Kimberley on repeat is not the best idea.... especially not on 15 Jan.


I keep tearing up, but with a smile.

One year together seems so short, really, but looking through the few photos I have of you, of us, just made me realise that we have so many many many good memories together in this past year.

Thank you for the past year, and I can't wait to make more memories with you love.


Loving and missing you Mas.


xoxo.

----

P.S. I really want to make a photo slideshow video but it's 12midnight now gosh. Not the best time to suddenly feel inspired to stay up the whole night and do this >.<.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Wise Words

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

When you say things like...

"I want you to concentrate on me later."

"I somehow enjoy the idea that we'll both be eating at the same time hehe."

"What's candy crush... haha sounds like what I had to do for hours for your peppermint bark heh"

(When I said that I'm done with badminton and lunch and am sitting at a cafe having waffle, coffee, reading mags, and playing candy crush) "lol that sounds like an amazing afternoon that I would love to spend with you heh."

Sigh :) <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">
~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Birthday

Had a craving for sushi tei for the longest time - and so we went for my birthday tonight. The usual four of us :) Unfortunately the food was far far below expectation and not at all up to standard but the company really more than made up for it. Ma Maison tarts didn't hurt either ;) Great night as always.

---

Then it got better.

My brother brought out a HUGE cake (considering there's only two of us awake at home now, mum's zzz-ing) and even lit a candle and sang me a bday song by himself!! SO SWEET. So so so sweet. Made me realise how long I've not actually had a cake with a CANDLE TO BLOW OUT! :D Usually just make do with family dinner or dinner with friends or am overseas heh.

Recently we had a at-home-movie-with-7-eleven-popcorn for New Years too.

... Maybe it's not so bad to be at home and back in Singapore after all.. :)

I've been so caught up in the unhappy side of "family" the past couple years that I've started to forget what family can feel like. :)

Thanks Heng. So happy to be your sister :)

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~