Matter K

Matter K's been getting really serious recently... especially after incident 1 when we were out stargazing at Sunr- Pt. Plus all my friends have began asking me really really seriously if I feel anything for him. Honestly, and I tell them this, I really really don't know. It took me so long to figure out what I feel for R-j that I just know I'm pretty darn dense about stuff like feelings.

I really really enjoy being with him, and hanging out with him, because he makes me laugh alot. Plus he has small little actions that are kinda sweet, like always trying to make sure I enter the door first, or walk in front of him. Small things like that, or also just asking "How was your day?". Honestly, I can't say I remember these same stuff with R-j.

But this afternoon, I actually felt like he was a little too sticky for once. I'm not sure if it's because I was kinda tired and energy-less the whole day today, so that might have made me grumpier than usual. And a whole lot less patient. Plus maybe his tipsiness last night, made me feel like a babysitter or a caretaker for a dog and used up quite abit of my patience probably.

Whatever it is, matter K has actually helped me realise that this group of friends is really pretty solid. Some of them may not have very good impression of K, especially since he shoots his mouth off alot and isn't very sensitive about it, and all of them know that I'm with R-j, but they're still very supportive of me. It's really quite amazing. Makes me appreciate people like that alot. They keep saying that we act like a couple though, although I feel like I'm more of a babysitter with a dog on a leash sometimes. Heh.

I'm not sure if I like being with K, or it's just that his attention and action is really so sweet/ moving. Cuz he's like the total opposite of R-j, and K just shows or says whatever he feels like. That's probably what drew me to him in the first place -- his straightforwardness and him being unafraid to show what he feels or thinks. I like clearcut, black-and-white people. So his nice small actions towards me come across even nicer as compared to how he treats the others. And not talking about R-j, this was what I always imagined I'd want in a guy. A guy's guy, who treats everybody not that great/okay, but treats one nice. R-j is like quiteeee the opposite heh. Even though that was exactly what got me liking him.

And... I'm starting to wonder/doubt again -- if he actually misses my presence. I'm actually probably more convinced/sure that Y-s and X-x do miss me more than I am sure that my absence is making any difference in R-j's life. Whoopeedooo here we go again =P

What messy things feelings are...

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Thumpity Thump

Slightly worrying, but I think I'm actually getting pretty dependent on K's company. I usually see him/talk to him or hang out with him every night, but that didn't happen last night and the night before and my day felt weird -- like it didn't conclude properly... Especially when the new server idiot pissed me off after talking to me for like 3 mins, I really really wanted to have K's company -- to the extent that I actually thought of going to his room to find him but chickened out duh.

And today, I sat with J the guy from Ecdr and K for dinner and J actually asked the two of us if we were together. Omg it was like embarrassing and I so didn't dare to look at K and when I answered in the negative, J actually went on to say that he thought we'd make a good couple. Oh gosh please please don't put ideas into K's head. I really like things the way they are now, and I guess I just really don't wanna face any awkward situation or anything that could possibly alter this good feeling. Yet at the same time, when K mentioned that have I forgotten about patting him on the back when he coughs, and he said "like what, just after 2 days?". I was like thinking omg who's counting, not me, yeah him (and actually yeah me darnit >.<). Raaaa. My heart thumped once then. Darnit. I hate decisions, or possible shadows of any decision making of the heart.

ARGH.

I had a really honest talk about this with JY though, and I think she can tell I'm pretty confused. Honestly, if I weren't with R right now, I would probably be more into it with K because I'm getting really fond of him. But then again, if I weren't already with R, I probably would be thinking wayyyy much more than now/this and reacting somewhat differently.

Oh well. Life life life.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Hmm

Haven't updated in a while -- been in Bryce Canyon for about 3 weeks or so already.

R/ship-wise, I think the programme's good, like I thought it would be. The break has helped me find my independence again and it's really nice to be back to being someone I like.

I can't say that coming here has really made my impression of Americans much better though -- sadly. Like how I told Jennifer and Kevin the other night whilst we were out stargazing (and freezing) at Bryce Point, I prefer the old guys/people here to the young ones. Cuz the young dudes only keep flirting and touching you. Eek. I like Kev- and Jeff though, cuz those are the two who seem to have more to them. Ke- is tall, goodlooking and most importantly, quiet and himself. Which means he's mean sometimes but I think I've always had a thing for guys who 1) are mean/always suanning 2) sit alone and seem pensive and cool yet somehow lonely and vulnerable. I'm taking a little too much notice of him though, and that was worrying me a little yesterday cuz I totally notice whenever's he's in the room and stuff like that. Oh well. Can't hurt to have a kinda eye candy =)

Jeff's the nerd who's cool cuz he likes the outdoors and biology/plants. But I hardly get to interact with him for some reason. Oh well.


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I really really hesitate to type this but... I kinda think he might notice me too. Sometimes I think so, but sometimes I totally don't think so. I really don't know... my sensor's been so off ever since primary school. Sigh. Haha not like it really matters =P

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~