Jobhunting

After a week of the decision haunting me, APPLE offer: declined.

On a roll at saying "no", so JTB offer: declined, too.

--------

I think I might start looking at internships first. Need to figure out where I'm going and what I want to do.

I know it's "just a job", and many people might think I'm silly to decline such a good offer or any job offer at all, since apparently it's quite hard to find jobs right now. But, no matter how attractive the offer is, and how nonchalant I try to be about accepting or rejecting job offers, at the end of the day, I still have to live with my own conscience. I've always believed that I do things with integrity, and whilst this integrity is not something that I forcefully impose upon decisions, I've come to realise that the inner moral compass has helped me with decision-making and led the way. Sometimes though, like this instance, it's hard to buckle down and follow what it says, and to say "no", but that's why life is never easy right.


---

Oh well enough rambling and back to jobhunting... Or rather finding a direction...

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Sick and miserable

I miss the times that I fell sick, and you were there to hold my hand; and brush the hair from my face; and have me take medicine; and just soothed my weary soul.

I miss you.

But I can't tell you.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

"In love obsession"?

I'm sick, I'm tired, ... and yet all I can think about is missing you.

My head is heavy, my sinuses are clogged, and my eyes are closed. Yet suddenly, my pillow is wet.

------

What the hell is going on??

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Adulthood

I feel like the weight of adulthood has suddenly dropped upon my shoulders - first with the quick offer from Apple and push for a decision, second with the long distance relationship, and now in the same short period of time, with the discovery that my dad might be diabetic.

I don't know what to do or think or feel anymore. Crying is tiring and skyping with M had me tear up; listening to his voice recording made me tear up; re-reading the book on love languages makes me smile and tear up; and just looking up the medication i found in my dad's room is making me feel... heady with realisations, expectations, and just the sudden feeling of a ton of weight.

And the worst thing is I just decided that I need to take a break from M. That I have to take a break from us. And so there's noone I can talk to about this. It hurts. I've never hurt so much in my life or recent memory anyway, not since I've learned to seal my feelings and thoughts up, or at least 'run away' from home so I didn't have to pretend to. Suddenly things aren't so simple anymore.

I'm so tired emotionally but the tears just won't stop falling... Especially when I think of how alone my dad must be in this. I don't think he's told anyone and yet he's always driving back 8-12 hours one way to see my grandma who's rapidly losing memory. Painful. Life is painful.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Outburst

Talking to Mas on Skype just makes me ... cry ... for some reason.

Unfortunate timing but then the newspaper guy comes collecting money and my brother and mother come asking for cash and I transferred the outburst onto them. Makes me feel so guilty.

---

I really hate feeling like that. I hate feeling weak. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate feeling that I can't plow 100% of myself forward into things and decisions like I used to and like I've always done. And time and time again the only solution that I can think of at this point is just a break-up. But at the same time I know that's just the unreasonable side of myself being... well unreasonable. Because in the end I know that I will be the one who will probably hurt the most from that decision, especially if I'm the one who's going to pull the trigger. It's so easy though isn't it? It's just a word away... So simple really. So simple that I have to keep fighting myself from even muttering that word by accident.

I hate it.

---

Doesn't help that I find myself at this point in time when I have to make a decision about the direction of my life from now on, and no matter how many people I talk to, no matter how many websites I check, or how many times I ask myself what I want to do, I just have no answer. I wish I didn't feel the need to think so thoroughly before making commitments, and that maybe I wish I wasn't such a stickler about commitments that I make; maybe I'd be having an easier time now then.

I just wish I had a crystal ball letting me know what consequences my decisions might entail, and then maybe I'd be able to choose from there. It's so hard not knowing which decisions will keep me walking towards you, and which will take me away from you.

---

And it keeps coming back to me that I've never thought myself capable of a LDR because I know I don't have the patience. Nor am I sure that I possess the ability to keep liking someone who's just not physically here. I thought I'd be able to do better, but after coming back from CA, any trace of self-control or self-reliance seems to have disappeared. I don't know what's going on. I guess some part of me is belligerent that at a point when I'm feeling so lost, the one person I want by my side is not here. And the belligerence continues to say, if you're not here now, then you might as well not be here at all.

I guess ultimately, I'm losing faith in myself. I am not the most patient, and I hate feeling vulnerable and open; and being without one half is just like having a gaping wound open for anyone or anything to poke at. Funny that I have to learn how to be on my own again and seal up all the wounds and vulnerability, and yet still somehow leave enough such that I won't seal you away as well.

I guess, I'm just not sure how long I can hold on. I'm sorry, and scared even, to say something like that. But it might be better to spew it out somewhere than to keep having it rebound all around in my head.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

So...

So... I got an offer... And I'm really really flattered and overwhelmed right now, but I just don't know what to do. Heh.

Well.


Well....


WELL!!!?!!?!

I don't know.

Rawr.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Squash and more

Had two interviews back-to-back today - one with JTB and the other with Apple, specifically Japanese Customer Relations. All I can say at this point is how I'm starting to realise very clearly that perhaps pursuing a Japanese-speaking position is not quite what I can excel at, though I am sure there will be lots for me to learn. I may possess a N1 certificate right now, and I am now convinced of what I had earlier only suspected: Holding such a qualification is only a reflection of my current and future capacity to pick up and learn a language, and not a guarantee of being good enough to handle Business Japanese right away. In other words, I am not "operationally-ready"; and Japanese-speaking jobs are not going to give me the time to learn before I have to face the customer and deliver the service. This is making me reconsider my path.

However, meeting Siru and YS immediately after for dinner was really pleasant - and it turned out to be really helpful on the jobsearching front as well. Thanks to them, I am now looking at other possible options that I was not aware of before.

Squash with XX, YS and XX's colleague was fun too, and natsukashii. I miss playing squash and I now remember how much I enjoy it. Macs Samurai Burger, Cheese Shaker Fries, and Nuggets post-squash is so reminiscent of hall days too, when YS was around. =)

---

I think I am really blessed. I thought I was lost once again, after my realisation of the Japanese-speaking roles. But now, I feel slightly hopeful again and have a direction again for tomorrow. Thank you so much for the help and guidance friends. Time for bed. =)

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

So Far Away....

So far away... Doesn't anyone stay in one place anymore?
It would be so fine to see your face at my door
Doesn't help to know, you're just time away 

Long ago I reached for you, and there you stood
Holding you again could only do me good
How I wish I could, but you're so far away...

+======+

Such a fine line between learning to miss you without the melancholy, and getting on without you to the extent that I start to wonder about the necessity of this relationship...

I wish I would stabilise and stop oscillating between such extreme depths of good and then sad emotions.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Jobhunting

Just random thoughts and reflections as I journey through the jobhunting process.


======
Character Trait: Decisive/ Able to make decisions with integrity
- Example of the changing of coaches
- Emotional attachments
- Practical considerations
- External opinions
- Recognition of my own role

======
Personal Strength: Personal Network + Capacity to extract and meld the best of each person
- Example of jobhunting itself
- Friends, seniors, peers, juniors in various industries: Stat boards, chem engineering (SAP), digital media, government
- Recruitment agency: professional advice
- Various media: face-to-face, emails, social media, whatsapp/sms etc.
- Not just about usual questions like expected salary
- BUT personal motivations, considerations, past experiences, how they made their own decisions, and how they feel they have fared since that decision
- not the WHAT but the WHY --> to aid myself in better defining what I myself am looking to do and achieve through my jobhunting process


======
Character Trait: Positive Realist: Able to see the best in the reality but also aware of the cynical side
- Last one standing... -->> did not let that build up as social pressure to conform and get a job asap
- Instead, took it as an opportunity to learn from everyone's experiences, regrets, should-have-knowns, did-rights, etc.
- And reconnect with friends.


======
Personal Strength: Constantly humbled
- Note: not saying that I'm a humble person, because that depends on circumstances
- BUT that I constantly am awed and amazed by many things regardless of scale or perceived social significance
- and this feeling of being significant enough to notice it, and yet so insignificant in the face of it, constantly humbles me.
- Responsibilities like the captaincy, privileges like travelling opportunities, blessings like friends and family network around the world --> humbling.


~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Today.... is a good day =)

Today...

I grit my teeth and faced up to the criticism... at 6am.
I met with cousins
...and cousins-to-be.
I had breakfast with my dad.
I drove my brother to army camp.
I received patient career advice from a kind friend via WhatsApp.
I played a floorball match, found my groove
...and restarted my passion.
I got a lift from a kind friend.
I rekindled a friendship.
I had coffee with her.
... and received so much helpful career advice,
... and got to know about wakeboarding and sewing classes!
I came home and caught up with my mum,
... and passed her presents that she loved
... and received several in return.
I had dinner with my mum
... of roast duck, chicken rice, garlic fried jie lan
... and have some durian awaiting me.
I thought some more about possible interview answers
... and personal strengths.
I tied up several loose ends via email.
I started to miss him
... with a warm smile, rather than a melacholic emptiness.
I wrote an e-mail to a loved one
... and felt loved in return.

;and most importantly, 

I realised so deeply and truly that I cannot be or do anything "I" did, 

without the help, presence, and existence of family, friends, and love. 

Methinks I grew a little- Thank you for the lesson in Humility.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~