Dream Travel 1 - Thailand

Looking up on the places to possibly go and things to do on the backpacking trip post-expedition. Quite a big group going so already things are not gonna be all my way and nothing like what I imagined (no temple camping, no Vietnam) but I'm still sure it'll be fun. Just thought I should jot down what I'd like to do so one day I can go and have it done.

Chiang Mai - 1/2 day trekking in the hills [avoid June-Oct rainy season], white water rafting [best time: June -mid Feb], cooking classes, water festival (april)
Kanchanaburi - national parks, war museum,
Sangkhlaburi - chill remote town, stunning natural beauty.
Ko Tao - great beach, chill hang out, cheap diving certification
Ko Samui - beach, touristy nightlife
Bangkok - food food food, massage, shopping, spa =)

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Getting the Emo Out

I have to say it hurt, at least a little. Something inside squeezed... and died, a little. I just wish that it would die completely. Because sometimes I don't know why but I imagine and desperately hope for the most optimistic and least realistic outcomes. My mind tells me my thoughts are bullshit, but my heart still hopes so hard for those same thoughts. Wtf is wrong with me?

I put your picture away
I sat down and cried today

Maybe I just need to cry. But I don't know where and when. Maybe I should go be girly and grab like a cry-ey movie and ice cream even though I gave 3/4 of the ice cream bought earlier to someone just cuz I didn't feel like eating it. Maybe I just need to let it out, because I don't think I've ever ever let it all out... Rationally I know it's part of the process to move on, but I think I'm too fixated on saving-face and keeping in line with some sorta stupid image I have in my head of myself. I am so laughable really.

I have so much going for me; why do I stay clinging on to the past? WHY? Is it really him? Or is it just the feeling of intimacy with someone else? Loneliness?

And how come guys can get girls so quickly?? I guess some girls get guys really quick too -eyes the roomie-.

Come on come on Break my heart again
For old time's sake.

Yeah that'd be good. Maybe then I'd finally learn my lesson and let go.

I'm writing this because I will look back on this one day and chuckle at it.

A change would do you good
I think a change would do you good

Yeah, you think so too? I guess so.
I think the key issue is: I need to learn to love myself.
I think part of the problem was the fact that half the time in the relationship I was probably like half-surprised somewhere that he'd be together with me and half-afraid he'd stop liking me when he got to know me. Probably hurt so hard that he stopped liking me first - my greatest fear - and I probably still didn't have all that clean an emotional break. I guess the breakup took away some of my selfconfidence and I've never really known how to restore it. The feeling of doubting that you're even a person worth loving or lovable enough for others to take notice of -- not nice. Not nice at all.


I do believe
That not everything's gonna be the way you think it oughtta be
Seems like everytime I try to make it right it all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
I shall believe.

Yes me, please don't give up on me.

(I love this random song lyrics thing haha.)

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~