Majorly Screwed

Got back Maths Paper 1 and Paper 2, Econs essays and MCQ, as well as History SEA today... Not too rosy looking at these results. Oh yeah, GP too... GP was surprising, managed to scrape a 30 for the totally incomplete essay. Just makes me wonder how much I could have gotten if I had the time to finish, since I had meticulously planned out every aspect already... Compre was one of the better ones, despite getting kosong for vocabulary section and 5 for summary and AQ, still hit a 34.5. Maybe Ms Ang's lessons paying off. More like it's the first time I listened to her instructions and stuck like crazy to paraphrasing.

Math... 53 and 32. Not quite good... O grade overall. I guess I should just be happy that I didn't fall to an F, knowing the tiny amount of work I put in. Econs... Not too bad and not too good in some areas. 16 for 2 essays then bombed the last one with 6. Totally misunderstood the thrust of the question. MCQ passed, but not enough for saving grace... 17/30. Overall, I'd be damn happy if I manage an E, and ecstatic for a D.

SEA History scraped through again... 60.5. All round, comments for the 3 essays were "weak case studies" or something to that effect. ie, never study la. I'm half grateful for still keeping a slim possibility of B and half resigned at my own laziness. By right, I should be hitting 67 thereabouts together with the rest of my class lol...

One part of me grieves for this lack of performance, because I obviously know I can do so much better but for the lack of even a decent attempt. But one part of me still resists and continues to grow resentful of the fact that I have to mug my fucking ass off just for a few hours in Nov, and that will decide the rest of my life?! Still sounds ridiculous to me you know. Why don't they test other things? Why don't they not test at all? Okay fine I'm being illogical, but I still can't see why I have to do it. Sigh. I think I'm probably just making excuses for myself in some part of me, but since I realised I'm really good at having myself accept current situation and not push, alot of times, my excuses have become my reality...

I'm not all that upset with my grades, though I can't say I'm perfectly happy with them either. The thing I'm really upset about, is my lack of response to my grades. I still remember the promise I made to myself after my Os - that I'll no longer be scared of not being good enough, and live life fully, without regrets. But something, some deep-seated fear seems to have resurfaced, and it's holding me back... I guess, to begin with, I should never have entertained thoughts that maybe if I perform poorly for CT2s and Prelims then I'd be scared till I mug my ass off, because these are already excuses and cemented this fear.

I'm seriously reconsidering overseas uni applications. Or even university applications at all...

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Musings

She could no longer ignore

The trilling of a bird,

Flying high, flying free.

Eager, she presses her nose

up against the cold glass pane.

The gentle warm light of setting sun;

Pink clouds that dance and laugh in evening fun;

Busy twittering birds of carefree manner,

Slow chugging cars - of green of red - all delight her.

She wills her eyes to open wider.

Her ears, she tells, to listen harder,

Her nose twitches gently in a bid

to smell the grass, the sun, the pattering feet.

Colours of joy, of life and laughter

Swirl and beckon happily before her.

But before long, this happy song,

Fades into quiet - the quiet of black.

Black. The claustrophobic colour.

The feast before her eyes no more

Her eyes slide downwards to the floor.

No longer bright with rush of light

But sparkling dully with untold plight.

She moves quietly away, away

from metal grilles and chilly panes.

Back, to her black-and-white monotony.

The black-and-white of papers and ink.

Sentenced and cuffed -

Behind the invisible bars of society.

People always say, education is key. It's key because it sets us free - from poverty, from discrimination, from the most hated evil of Ignorance. Because Ignorance is stagnation, regressiveness and deterioration. Because Ignorance challenges Man's march of progress.

But, education is also a cage. It forces conformity and conventions, and sometimes even goes against the natural instincts of Man. It leaves no time for an interaction with flowers, condemns the idyllic musings of life, and represses the bloom of 'useless' artistic natures. Incidentally, the title of this poem is "Education" or "The Cage of Education" if I want to be less oblique.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~