BBCD U A2

My throat and head hurts from the exertions of crying without a sound. My eyes are reamed red and so swollen that the glare from the screen hurts all the way to the back of my head...

It's the day after and I never thought I'd still be crying over spilt milk.

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I'm really really sorry. I wanted so much to help by securing a scholarship or financial aid, because I'm the eldest and education is never cheap. In the end, I'm just a letdown and a greater burden. Life is funny that way. I just wish I could laugh it off the way I usually do...


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Yesterday, I thought I made peace with my slice of 'cake' already, but apparently not. One call from you, just that one sound of your voice brought on the bout of tears.

Mindful of the poor insulation of bathroom doors, I walked to the furthest corner and squat down before letting havoc the tears. Even then, some part of me deep inside refused to let me produce nary a sound. How did I ever get so hard...?


"I'm not stupid... I'm not stupid... I'm not stupid... I'm NOT."

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I don't know if I really don't care much for the academics or if I just tried so hard to feel that way... But I finally realised that even if I tried to shy away from the norms of society, ultimately, they still come back to haunt me and in a greatest way possible too...


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I should have felt the warning bells ring when I had such optimistic and dream-like scenarios in my head. Once upon a time, things came true as I thought they would, and always for the better. That time has passed, and instead now it's the reverse -- when things feel optimistic, the reality always comes back twice as hard. It's such a great fall I never felt myself in danger of; such a great trip-up that I never envisioned at all; such a great lesson that I never saw coming. Am I really optimistic? Or was that an undiscovered arrogance from having things my way too often?


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Did I deserve it? Am I really that stupid and unworthy of the potential I was judged to have? Was I really that lazy?? I did really try in my own way... That was the hardest and most time I've spent tryinggg to study. Maybe not effectively but hell, I never did know how to. What a joke I am, still trying to make defiant excuses...


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I know I'm smart -- correction, always thought I am. After all, I maintain a decent set of results throughout the two years with minimal effort. And hey, a few of my classmates have even told me so. But I guess that's where my weakness is. Simply because I never knew what it was like to have to work hard for something I want, so I never quite did... Instead, I left it all up to luck, life and fate -- and had a ball screwing it up.

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Worst of all, I can't seem to share my vulnerabilities and sadness with anyone. And yet I'm the first to want to comfort and console others. I admired my friend for having the courage to let the tears fall unheeded and feel the lack of a need to preserve an appearance. Me? I grinned and smiled and laughed and grinned, never once letting the corners of my mouth dip even in uncertainty. How did I ever get so alone... Why... is it so hard to do something people seem to do naturally...

Even the one person I tentatively thought to share my emotions with wasn't free... And not surprisingly, that person is someone I've never met and probably never will.

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I hope I've finally exhausted the tears and myself. I hate feeling so doubtful and weak.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~