West-side Roadtrip

Last night/this morning was rather fantastic. Dinner/dessert at Holland V with A-; bash which was okay... And then the fun started.

Drove out with HM and YS for supper. Ended up going around places like the pretty resort-like place with pond and fountain. Then drove up to kr park, before going to WC park. Just played the whole time, chat abit and then play some more. The company was just so comfortable; really quite appreciative to have met them. Finally ended up with breakfast in hall - the last activity of our six-hour jaunt.

Even though I have so many errands to do today - replace card, lunch with mum, lecture, track, packing and flying off - I would never have wanted to replace last night with sleep.

Some things just don't come all the time. But that's exactly what makes such moments special =)


Cheers

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Rosy

Just finished a rather intensive but great squash session with YS, HM and ST. Feeling really quite good now; especially after the physical lethargy of the past few days and the crisis of confidence for floorball...

I really like playing squash with them. For the first time, or at least one of the few times, I don't feel all that apologetic to show who I am and what I aspire for. It's really nice to be accepted for who I am, but not feel like I'm intimidating them too. YS's really helpful by correcting me without making me feel lousy; whilst HM's composure and variety of accurate shots just inspire me.

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Happy =)

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Everything will be alright... and it is!

Last night had me panic and feel guilty and wrestle so much to just make a decision. Just a few hours and suddenly the price jumped so much - SGD210. Felt so bad because it was probably due to my indecision and now it's going to cost my dad more. Really couldn't decide if I should just buy at that moment in case it goes up even more, or just try waiting again.

Something inside told me to wait, because even if I waited, the prices could go up yes, but then I'd probably fly off earlier then. Even though that would have been the less satisfactory of choices. Fly on Wed and I would miss writing class, have to manufacture a reason for that absence, miss bash and miss the talk - which worried me alot. Fly off on Thurs and I'd miss bash and might be able to attend the talk even though it'd be a huge squeeze - but at least there was a possibility. And I reasoned the high prices could be due to the working hours of the main office, being 8 hours behind. So I waited... (bated breath, stomach churning and all)


And thank the heavens above that I waited, because I got to fly off on Friday! Initially they always had no available flights for Friday, but suddenly not only did the price for Thurs drop to 604 (from 709, but still not 499); they actually had vacancies for Fri flight at 499! Omg, suddenly I felt very auntie (as people have always accused me of being...) but I was really so happy. I really want to grab this opportunity but it was causing me grief and guilt with the cost, the events I'm missing and the people I could possibly be pangseh-ing.

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I love the internet.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Expensive Little Me...

Since starting University, my parents have spent alot on me, not so much on material goods, but the cash that allows me to go for school trips, work and travel programmes, stay in hall and now, to go London during my one-week break.


I am so lucky; I really feel as though I'm taking flight.

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So blessed, I know. But of course I will work extra hard in future to facilitate similar opportunities for my siblings and hopefully to provide a comfortable and meaningful life for my parents too.

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My dad messaged me saying: "You are young only once! 人生在世会几时? 安能蝶躞垂羽翼?"


Thank you so much.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Foodie Thoughts

Staring at the store of bak kwa on my roommate's shelf has left me with that strong urge to cook again. What would bak kwa - an essentially Chinese experience - be like when paired with pasta - a Western staple...?

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I suddenly feel excited about cooking again; I always do, when weird combinations and possibilities strike. But back to the issue at hand: how to pull off bak kwa pasta dish?!


Aglio Olio...?

The most immediate answer seemed to be to parallel bak kwa as bacon, after all both have similiar qualities - dominantly flavourful, salty and oily. If so, then perhaps aglio olio would be the safest way of preparation. This then begs the question of which herbs to go with it? The usual Italian Seasoning? Basil, dill weed, oregano, rosemary? What of chilli flakes or cayenne powder? Will the spiciness and saltiness clash? How about white wine, the usual medium used to bring out the flavours of seafood aglio olio? I think not, because the bakkwa is salty enough on its own without any medium; more likely that it will influence the taste of other ingredients. Should garlic - a necessity in aglio olio - be added? Will they clash? What can safely accompany bak kwa, and complement it even, the way leaves provide a green foil against which flowers bloom in beauty? Tomatoes, peas? Broccoli's no good unless in cream... Aha, perhaps long shavings of carrot, tossed in at the end to cook in the dish's own heat?


But wait, who wants the safe way?! Why not use...cream?! Or better still tomato sauce?! A mixture of both...?


Carbonara/Cream-based...?

Seeing how bacon is sinfully rich but wonderfully so in Carbonara, it makes me itch to see how bak kwa would perform in this preparation style too. My intuition says no, and since white wine was out as well, mirin suddenly pops into mind. I've never worked with mirin before, not very sure how it enhances taste but keeping it in mind doesn't hurt. Maybe... vodka? Just for a flambe perhaps... That presentation would be kickass for sure. Tomato sauce is really quite a no-no, since it would probably detract focus from the main actor. But what of tomato cream...? Or how about... a chinese-style broth?! Either fry the bak kwa, add in the broth to soak up some of its saltiness but not all; or even just cooking the pasta in small amounts of broth and sprinkling the bakkwa (finely chopped) on top. Let's try the extreme... broth + cream? What about cheese! Too salty maybe....? The choice of the cheese has to be right then, and definitely need to make sure what the purpose of the cheese is first, before determining the type and amount. A co-actor? Texturiser? A subtle hint on the palette?


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Okay that's that. Enough. Now that I've hopefully gotten it somewhat off the mind, time to get that paper done. If only I dissected my work with half as much enthusiasm and thought ha.


The possibilities are endless; that's what I love about cooking...



Sigh =)

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[edit] Oh my goodness, thank you for auto-saving functions! Blogger died on me just as I wanted to publish the post and I felt so dismayed when I couldn't seem to get back my post.

<3>

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Happiness

I'm pretty sure I've said before, but happiness is just having a meal with your family. And today, I was happy. I almost can't stop beaming on the inside. Something in my heart has settled, just a little. Hopefully this is only the beginning of course, but at least, there is hope.

Went to ZhouZhuang for lunch today, as a whole family, a whole noisy bickering laughing family. For the first time in a long while. I guess wishes do come true and traditional holidays really do work, even if their supposed meanings and customs get diluted over time.

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Thank you for granting me my birthday wish, even if 1 month and 5 days later.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Secrets secrets secrets

The past 2 days have been... unexpected and emotionally burdening. Suddenly I'm like the middle man in everything. 3 circles of people, 2 nights, 1 me... and they are all inter-related. I am usually very good at keeping secrets, but I don't know how long it will be before I spill anything because they are all so close.

After happily living in my self-absorbed world for the past few months, I'm suddenly pulled right smack into all 3 issues. Omg, and I've never ever been a nosy person; I'd so much rather let people solve their own problems, but I just couldn't bear seeing my friends unhappy... I'm too fucking soft-hearted for all my independent, arrogant image.

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Two major issues in one night, with no sleep, and 2 lectures today + accompanying my brother all the way at Parkway to get his CNY pants totally had me k.0. 5 mins after I reached home. Mum got so worried when I couldn't even wake up a little to answer her. I'm so glad for this CNY holiday now, when I initially dreaded it so much. I don't exactly want to delve into all the emotional mess in hall again, because I really don't know what I can do to help. I'm so useless. And dumb. Everyone keeps expecting me to be freaking intuitive or sensitive or something, when funnily enough, I often purposely dumb myself out to hints because I don't want to end up over-analysing or judging wrongly.

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I really wished I was all-powerful or something, because they (multiple people, multiple times, different occasions) just looked at me as though I had answers. And like I told some of them: I really wish I could dry the tears of the heart, because I can see them crying inside, and it really hurts me.

Sometimes I act all smart and assured, confident to the extent of almost being cocky probably, but it's not really what I want to be like... Sometimes I just do it because that's what they seem to want from me - assurance, a sense of somebody knowing what's going on - and so I just play myself up to that image that they have of me. Anything to help, really.

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I've come to realise that most relationships (as in friendships) are one-sided exchanges for me. For some, I just give, and give and give, either constantly or when they need it; and yet up till now, I think there's only 1 person I 'take' from, and very selfishly so. Nonetheless, ai- (bless him) doesn't seem to mind all that much and still showers me with so much care and concern. His sweetness and steadiness is really my emotional rock sometimes. And he probably doesn't know it, that's what makes it so cool.

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And this issue is one of the reasons why I've come to see/register why he isn't suitable for me. Right from the start, I've felt that it's all 'give' for me and yet emotionally, I can't 'take' any comfort from him. Upon reflection, I've also come to wonder about my importance and place in his life; because I don't feel all that close, just a rather convenient soft-hearted person. If we didn't talk about sports, we'd have nothing else to talk about. If we didn't talk about his sports, we'd be all blank. If we talked about me, I'd feel so boring. Maybe, it was just a phase born out of being too soft-hearted and hopefully the phase is ending. His confession about her stunned me a little bit for a while, yet in some parts, everything just fell into place; so much so that I even wondered if I had actually gotten all the hints but just refused to put them together... Surprisingly it didn't hurt as much I thought it would be, but maybe it just hasn't sunk in yet. Nevertheless, I'm in such a bind, because as much as I want for him to give it his all and have his fair chance with her, suddenly there's so much more than that. She's having problem with someone else and after last night, it's so tangible that those two are closer and have more potential than he does with her. Initially I thought if I simply removed myself from the equation, things could probably happen between them; but now, I'm not sure. And I really really don't know what to do.

Oh my goodness, growing up is so not fun.

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And I don't know if it's the biological clock or some emotional neediness or whatever shit; but recently, I've really come to envy couples. Didn't help to read about that handholding pair (in their 70s and 80s) who head a multi-million business. They like to travel, but seldom choose to fly simply because the travel seats don't allow them to - wait for this - hold hands.


It'd really be so nice to have someone who's sweet to me, and whom I can be sweet back to too...

Lol, the wistful dreams of a loser.

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Funny how much of a loser I realise I am. Because when people can actually talk about their desires and loneliness and inadequacies, I just look on and smile gently at them. But inside, I feel like the worst loser, because I don't even have the courage to say it out loud. I already sound so pathetic in my own head, much less if I opened my mouth... Who's the biggest loser huh...

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

A Walk to Remember

This was, literally, a walk to remember. At least it's finally out and for once, there was some exchange of serious honesty. I don't really know how to help though, except for the notion of removing myself from the equation. Wish I could do more and wish I could help untangle this mess, but I can't; this matter is so much more than just him and her alone.

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Now I know how and why humans often don't age prettily; because complications like feelings and triangles come into play, and more often than not, (alot of) pain comes before the happiness, if any. It's so hard to stay the pure innocent white of youth.

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I'm honestly quite surprised at myself too. That this feeling of resignation and slight envy would outweigh the pulmonary one. Or maybe I've just attained new heights in denial. Though actually, I've been really feeling quite free recently, so maybe it's really ending. Whatever it is, everything's so complicated now and it's forming into one giant headache. I've suddenly become Aunt Agony for 2 days in a row; guess I'm back into that old role.


Man, I need a personality revamp. Something wild, something out of this world.


Right, who am I kidding huh...

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~