Where next?

I can't decide....!! I'm going crazy. And nothing or nobody seems to be helping at all... I know I can easily make myself accept the decison to stay and study locally but for the first time, I'm actually fighting that natural adaptive mechanism in me. It's not so much about which courses to study (though that is a headache in itself as well) or which university has more prestige; it's just a simple matter of whether I will regret not experiencing life overseas. Whether this experience will be worth signing 6 years of my life away, possibly to a job which I might not be happy doing. I don't know if my adaptability stretches that far. It's all in the mind really, but sometimes I get stubborn about making myself miserable.

I was so mean just now. After my dad said I'm not suited for the hospitality trade because I'm hot-tempered, I practically went on to prove him right. I bitterly said stuff like maybe I should just go study accountancy since accountants make so much money and money makes the world go round. Which obviously sparked off a stern rebuttal from my father, saying job satisfaction is even more important especially for those new to the workforce. And then I meanly replied "Yeah it's true... After all with money you get to go anywhere" and since job satisfaction is so important, how come he keeps discouraging me from hospitality trade?? I realised in retrospect some dastard part of my was actually trying to make my dad feel guilty about not having enough money to send me overseas without a scholarship. I'm such a spoilt ungrateful BRAT.

I'm so sorry pa...I promise... I promise I'll never have such despicable thoughts again. You've given me so much, now it should be up to me to fight for and give my best to get what I want... I shouldn't be so dependent on you anymore.

It's not like I can't get a scholarship, I know I can. But I havn't even found the discipline to start FILING my stuff, much less STUDY. I dunno what's wrong with me, why this rebellious streak is showing now of all unfortunate times... People who started studying a month ago are more nervous and worried than me, whilst I'm here being fucking lazy and giving stupid excuses like finishing my overdue hmwk first. I'm not even giving my best, or even trying a little, and yet I dare blame my father for not being rich enough??? My god. I. Am. Such. A. Bitch. He's given me everything I wanted, and always encouraged me and taught me what he knows (and he knows ALOT), yet now all I look at is his financial status and blame him for it. What kinda unfilial daughter am I...

Life's unfair. Always has been, just that sometimes it is in your favour and most times not. Okay so too bad my family's comfortable but not that rich. Too bad I have two younger brothers and too bad I have enough conscience to know that I will never want to be sent overseas at the expense of their education. Too bad I also have enough principles in me to know that I'd never want to be sent to study overseas and cause my family to downgrade and lose the car. Too bad I also worry that my parents would not have sufficient money for their golden age.

But there will always be a small part of me who wants to be rich and go anywhere I want. I just cannot let it take over the logical self.

Life throws rocks at you and you just have to learn to take it and run with it. Hell, take those rocks and build a house. Heh. If only I'd just stop thinking like that and get down to work. I just wish I had somebody to help me. No matter how much I talk to others who know much more, or no matter how much I speak to my teacher, no matter how many times I read university websites or no matter how many of those talks I attend, I still wish there's someone to help me. I feel so alone in this and this is such a huge burden. I guess it's good in a way - that my parents give me freedom to choose what I want. But I can't help but wish I didn't have this freedom sometimes. I even wish I didn't take up history S, then so many options would be cut off. But that's stupid, because I enjoy History S. And I took it up for interest and part of my 'try-everything' policy, not to qualify for whatever scholarships at the end of it all...

I know I'm smart, I know I have a pretty good character and principles, I know I have some leadership qualities. But why the fuck do I have to prove it to you?? Hell, not even just prove.. I have to glorify and glam up all my credentials to COURT all those scholarships and what not, when in the end, they might not even be what I really want! It's such a sad thing that whatever you've experienced or what you have fought tooth and blood to achieve, are all simply reduced down to the impersonal black ink on white paper...

I just wish my parents knew more about universities and such and mbbe pushed me more into a certain direction or something. But then again, I'd probably end up resenting them pushing me if they did. Ugh. I'm so fickle. Okay, maybe if they knew enough to advise... Sigh.


I just want life to be easy. Coward.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Freud

We learned something very interesting today: psycho-analysis/Freud's philosophy. Id, ego and super-ego are the three parts of the human psyche: Id is the base animalistic desires (sex, gree, selfishness, survival); Super-ego is the logical lessons learnt (the shoulds and should nots); and Ego is the balance of both. Understandably, different people have varying weightage of superego and id, some tending more towards superego and others towards their basic desires. I guess the superego is something which society has caged around the basic desires or Id, and what emerges is still a somewhat recognisable as stemming from Id yet tampered down by Superego. For some reason a furry ball of a monster who got forced into and struggling in a doll-sized house came into mind, with the monster finally emerging through the front door, much smaller and trimmer (in fur and size) yet still recognisable as that initial monster.

Application: The example she gave - of an unconscious lusty nude male/female lying unconscious on the road, what is/are your reaction(s)? - made me realise that perhaps I'm governed quite abit more by my superego, since my first thought was to get something to cover his nudity and preserve him some dignity, then getting help. This is during my calm, normal circumstances anyway. I guess that explains why I have some perspectives that often seem quite out of place and even old-fashioned. I believe in following rules about attire especially in school, for eg, I really dislike short skirts (exacerbated by ugly legs or flashes of underwear yuck) and I always ensure that my shirt is tucked all the way in and around, sleeves folded equally and stuff like that. I think people should always return cutlery and plates and not leave a table littered with food and tissues and whatnot. These are things that have somehow been deeply inculcated in me along the way. Guess I know why now. But then again, maybe that's what I think my reaction will be only cuz I've yet to understand the pleasures of the flesh? Lol.


The concept of super-ego has been subject to criticism for its sexism. Women, who are considered to be already castrated, do not identify with the father, and therefore form a weak super-ego, apparently leaving them susceptible to immorality and sexual identity complications.

Hmm... interesting lol. This too:

German readers would have been aware of Nietzsche's previous use of "it" to describe that which is impersonal and subject to natural law within us. It may be pertinent in this connection that an infant in German is referred to under a grammatically neuter gender, in other words, as an "it".

Then she introduced two other concepts - libido and mortido. Libido (or eros or sex drive) was seen as a life force or expression of love, whilst Mortido (or thanatos or cerros) was seen as a destructive force. Both could be expressed internally or externally, again with different weightages in different people. Inward libido would be something like narcissism as an extreme or a more moderate self-confidence; external libido would be something like loving all and everyone, or perhaps just accepting one and all for who they are. People who express mortido internally would, on the extreme end, be self-destructive and suicidal, whilst those who have direct this force outwardly will tend to be violent and destructive of things. I guess mine manifests positively in aggression in sports, probably why often once I stop exercising, I tend to become more edgy and mean stuff would start slipping out of my mouth. meep.

On a different note, it didnt really register until I said it outloud in class, that it was only in JC that I finally got outta my shell and insecurities and discovered myself. Oh well.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Sometimes...

Sometimes, like today, I feel thoroughly amazed with the true nature of this creature called Mankind. I feel newfound respect for the institution called civilisation, called society, called community; it manages to keep under wraps the fantastically dark and naturally mean nature of people. Glimpses like this of the 'darkness' in people just makes me wonder how much I have in myself too...

The even greater amazement is the resignation and lack of judgement upon encountering this ugly part of ourselves. I feel too young to already have such a want in the belief of goodness in people...

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~