Sigh

Question.

Why am I so uninspiring?
Why can't I be enlightening and inspiring like Ste-?
Why am I such a lousy C-?
Why am I so soft?
Why do I ALWAYS say the wrong things?
Why do I never know what to do?
Why am I never, never sure of myself?
Why do I let people walk over me?
Why can't I stop trying to please EVERYBODY??????
Why do I sway easily?
Why can't I say no?
Why can't I bear to push people more?
Why can't I stop blaming myself?
Why can't I stop feeling guilty when I'm in a bad mood or being mean?
Why can't I stop trying to be goody two shoes?
Why can't I stop trying to be nice to EVERYBODY?? Even those I dislike?!?
If one thinks being a popular leader is not necessarily a good leader, does it mean its a bad thing??
Why why why whyyy...
Why can't I tell anyone my troubles and questions and not feel like I'm boring them or wasting their time or feel guilty??

Because I have to figure all this out myself. Only then would I grow stronger... I only wish I could have transferred my lessons to her today. I really really really understood how she felt. But I just didnt know what to say, how to say, when to say... I'm not good in cry-ey situations. Sigh.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Emotional Recession

I suck

- as a friend
- as a teammate
- as a player
- as a C
- as a classmate
- as a student
- as a person

sigh.

it's been 8 months thereabts, and i still cant acknowledge openly that I am C and responsible for whatever happens in, to and out of the team. Woot. I suxxorz. And I still can't control my emotions, can't come down hard when I know I should, can't stop catering to everyone's whims, can't stop being so bossy, can't stop being so negative when I should be positive.

In other words. I suxxorz. Woot.

My life is a joke. Now I sound like Rachel rofl.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Zomg Day

Today started off on a HORRID note. At least from PE on... Ran 5 rounds in about 10.40 and then imm rushed to the toilet cuz my stomach/abdomen wuz hurting so freaking badly. I sat on the toilet thinking it was some normal thing, you know, like either stomach ache, or food poisoning, or like maybe abdominal muscle strained or somethingggg... And NO, it wouldnt go away! I think I writhed in pain in the toilet cubicle for like freaking 15 mins, cuz I just couldn't gather the strength to stand up and get out. My god, it was so fucking horrible =/ I don't ever EVER want to go thru it again. When I finally steeled myself to leave the cubicle, all I did next was to curl up in the corner of the toilet. STUPID PAIN WOULDNT LEAVE ME ALONE! And I couldnt rmb if the appendix wuz on the left or right =/ Argh. And the toilet aunty took so long to realise that I was in pain. I was so in pain that I was dripping sweat la. =( And I called so many times! "Aunty... Aunty.. Aunty..." But maybe I was whimpering or something. UGh mygosh, such a bad bad bad experience.. =/ Dont ever come again pls pls pls. Finally some teachers came and made me lie down on the bench and it started getting better yeah... But I was so scared something was wrong with me that wouldn't let me train! So after a long time, finally decided to go see a doctor. Turns out it was probably menstrual cramps cuz I got it when I reached the clinic. Omg, I hope it wouldn't turn into something frequent! I used to think having cramps is a sissy and wussy excuse for ponning pe, school, everything. Well... I still think so, but at least now I can understand what some people go thru. SUCKS.

Played a match against seniors. Not that bad, held pretty well but we still need ALOT of polishing. Gave a team talk, but somehow I feel as though my pep talks don't work. Am I not passionate enough? Not strict enough? Not what enough?!?!? Sigh. SIGH. Why am I such a freaking lousy captain... So many mistakes, so few things done right... IF any at all rofl. Fuggers. Dammit. I wish I had more time, because only with time and experience do I learn... NOT ENOUGH TIME! Make do, make do.

At least the day ended on a high note. =) Dinner at Adam Rd, and we walked there... -.-'' And then! Dinner took like 230989075 days to come, after 2139839027 "bang, our food ready or not?!"But the conversation flowed, alot of laughter, alot of hunger pangs. And then, more laughter. Life feels good at times like these... =) <3 Sigh. If only I could get more ppl to do stuff like that... Together... Sigh.

Makes me think of what serj was talking about the other day, about capricorns imposing their standards on others. I do that alot, but at the same time, I can step into their shoes and see the other side... Wonder if it's a good thing or bad... I can understand, yet I want to push for more... In the end I don't, but I'm just simply left with a cumulating bunch of question marks... Blah.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~