我们如此遥远。。。
"You're so positive it sounds so fake and chirpy and so freaking annoying."
... is what I wanted to say this morning. But I swallowed it in. The beauty, and unfortunate thing of communicating through a device and a screen, is that you always get to filter and filter and put only a front forward. So it feels unreal. How much can you really feel through a bloody screen? Can you tell the slight disbelief some times when I see you type something like "I love you. I'll be thinking of you!"? Can you? "Really? How can you love me all the time? I don't love you all the time. Is it bad of me?" is what I think. Can you tell when I'm laughing, but not with you? Can you tell the insincerity when I 'listen' to your day and yet another story of you being pulled in directions where you expend yourself covering up other people's shit and yet you justify it as a "good learning experience"? Can you?
You say you're ready to listen and talk now, now that I've flared up and got mad this morning, at god knows what. I tell you... I don't really have anything to say. Because I really don't. I don't know what to say to you anymore. I don't understand it myself, so how can I help you understand it? I hate that I have to try and verbalize every single thing and feeling and thought and doubt, because verbalizing is all that we have, isn't it? But I've never been the "babbling brook", never been the storyteller, so how do I start now?
I'm tired of feeling like the bad one; of feeling like the one who doubts all the time; of feeling like the one who thinks in this relationship; of the one who's forgetting how to feel in a relationship; of being the one who says "I love you" less; of being the one who seems to love less. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I don't know what I want. Right now all I can think of is "it's not you, it's me", you know that famous b-up line... But I don't know what is the outcome I want. I feel lost. I think I need to find myself. So I think that means I need time alone. But I'm already alone, so what the hell do I want from you???
I don't know. Maybe a real reaction?
I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to figure out things on my own, because I don't know how to share.
Please just leave me be.
~ st*rcr*ss*d ~
... is what I wanted to say this morning. But I swallowed it in. The beauty, and unfortunate thing of communicating through a device and a screen, is that you always get to filter and filter and put only a front forward. So it feels unreal. How much can you really feel through a bloody screen? Can you tell the slight disbelief some times when I see you type something like "I love you. I'll be thinking of you!"? Can you? "Really? How can you love me all the time? I don't love you all the time. Is it bad of me?" is what I think. Can you tell when I'm laughing, but not with you? Can you tell the insincerity when I 'listen' to your day and yet another story of you being pulled in directions where you expend yourself covering up other people's shit and yet you justify it as a "good learning experience"? Can you?
You say you're ready to listen and talk now, now that I've flared up and got mad this morning, at god knows what. I tell you... I don't really have anything to say. Because I really don't. I don't know what to say to you anymore. I don't understand it myself, so how can I help you understand it? I hate that I have to try and verbalize every single thing and feeling and thought and doubt, because verbalizing is all that we have, isn't it? But I've never been the "babbling brook", never been the storyteller, so how do I start now?
I'm tired of feeling like the bad one; of feeling like the one who doubts all the time; of feeling like the one who thinks in this relationship; of the one who's forgetting how to feel in a relationship; of being the one who says "I love you" less; of being the one who seems to love less. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I don't know what I want. Right now all I can think of is "it's not you, it's me", you know that famous b-up line... But I don't know what is the outcome I want. I feel lost. I think I need to find myself. So I think that means I need time alone. But I'm already alone, so what the hell do I want from you???
I don't know. Maybe a real reaction?
I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to figure out things on my own, because I don't know how to share.
Please just leave me be.
~ st*rcr*ss*d ~
posted by fallen star at 10:58 PM
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