Pulmonary Tremors

This is terrible; I've got to, got to, let go.

Have to.


Please.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Reflection

Recently, it struck me that I'm actually at a pretty good place in life now; perhaps I've never been better. Academically, I did decently well last semester, definitely way better than my past 10 years of education. I got into the U-Programme that I applied for, and also will be going for W-T in summer. As for sports, I've probably improved on several - hockey, floorball, badminton - and even learnt a few new ones - soccer, squash, floorball, softball. My fitness has probably never been better. Even my diet is doing pretty good, now that I no longer seem to get huge cravings for rich and good food. I'm eating less fried/oily food, learning to enjoy more light/soupy food, and in smaller, healthier portions - no longer overeating or bingeing. Heck, and talk about my body clock now. I start getting tired by 12midnight, get unbearably so by 1.30am and mostly get up at about 8.30am. How freaking healthy is that! I even make it a point to eat breakfast nowadays. As a result of the above - sports and diet - I'm actually pretty slim right now, and -gasp- toned too. Still tanned, of course. I'm buying and wearing clothes that fit better, and exhibit more taste, but style comes with time. Mentally, I'm stronger and more assured, and slowly learning to accept - and hopefully eventually embrace - my potential and abilities without the apologetic attitude. I'm also gradually letting my feminine side show, trying to find a balance between my masculine mindset and feminine instincts.


So, I'm really at a pretty good place in life now. A little tired, and quite emotionally unsettled/perplexed at times (after all, things can never be too good), but really, I have alot going for me.

I feel blessed; thank you.

---

Extremely unrelated, but I think the raintree is pretty much symbolic of our country - it being a foreign species which has grown well and come to be subtly emblematic of the society which has adopted it.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Emotional Burden

Lately, he's been pretty angsty or even somewhat sour towards me, which leaves me perplexed and slightly irritated. It's kinda getting on my nerves that he can't seem to stop harping on my grades. I won't mind if he's doing it just to get a rise out of me, because it does and I probably should just learn to deal with it; so that's my own problem. But if he's doing it because he's feeling pressurised by my score then it's fucking stupid. I don't know. Ugh. For the first time in my life, I'm actually doing decently well for academics and people are making me feel like I shouldn't celebrate it. No freaking wonder I never liked being labelled "smart" or "gifted" in my past 10 years of education huh. Seems like she's the only one who's happy for me.

---


Ah, and so the topic turns to her. She, on the other hand, seemed to be somewhat affected by another area - sports. I almost half-wish I didn't go join them for squash so that it might not have led to this. It's not like I want to be better than people all the time, in fact most of the time I feel bad about it. Why do you think I automatically apologise countless times when I play sports. Sometimes I really wish I didn't have this. Because when there's potential, there's expectations, and I hate having to live up to those. Perhaps from the fear of disappointing others.

I'm only slowly getting a hang of competing with myself and not with others; but seeing others compare themselves with me makes me feel immeasurably... sad. I wish people can see more of their own good things and appreciate themselves, but who am I to say it when I should be taking this advice too.

I was rather happy and content last night for the first time in a while now, but having those two incidents come in a night has made me emotionally stressed again. Maybe I've never really tried to reach my own potential before, because I'd so much rather be the inferior one than have people feel inferior because of me. Then nothing I say will really hit them for they'll all have a ring of consolation. But if I were the hopeless-cannot-make-it one, I'd be able to handle it so much better than being put on a higher pedestal; because then, I'd already conditioned myself to handling failures for most of my formative years anyway. Just laugh it off, like cathy's clown - the sound of laughter ringing through hallways or the flash of a grin that dismisses the bads in life, with the tears that flow unseen, inside.


---

"To me, you're perfect."

Such romantic words (even from a girl), but yet they only brought about a tinge of shock and melancholy.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

4th Jan 2008

It's my birthday;


and I feel pathetic.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Why

Feeling somewhat disjointed, dazed and deflated as of late. Maybe I'm just feeling disturbed by the upcoming birthday, but I can't for the love of me, figure out why...

Seem to be losing interest in her company too, and our worlds seem to be drifting apart. It's as though my person only desires the company of that someone, yet my head constantly battles this notion. Sending an sms takes countless mindvsheart battles that lasts over a day; one successful hour won just means the desire snowballs over to the next. This is really quite taxing; do I have it bad or what?

That's half the content that fills my head; the rest is just a sense of discontent with who I am now. Evaluating my own character once again I guess, and the new desires/wants/notions that have popped up just recently. I seem to be changing - more shallow even.

---

That supposedly one special day is taxing my nerves too. I can't figure out what to do with it and who to spend it with and what I want. Hell, I do know what I want, I just don't let myself do what I want all the time of course. Else I'll be spoilt silly, and a totally different person. There's almost a tension that's building up within, and I can't seem to find its root or stem this tide.

Maybe some sleep would do me good...

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~