choice - most days i have to make the choice to say "i love u" rather than "this is too hard..."

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

V

So many gems in this TED video; and so important especially at this point in my life.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

"Maybe stories are just data with a soul."

"Courage to be themselves and imperfect."

"Compassion to be kind to themselves, because it turns out that you cannot be kind to others if you're not kind to yourself first."

"Vulnerability ... what made them vulnerable, made them beautiful. They didn't talk about it being comfortable, nor did they talk about it being excruciating; they just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say "I love you" first..."

"Vulnerability is kinda the core of shame, and fear and our struggle for unworthiness, but it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love."

"Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back. I lost, but I probably won my life back."

"You cannot numb those hard feelings, without numbing the other affects, the other feelings."

"I feel so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means that I'm alive."

"I'm enough."

--
This video so eloquently encapsulates my biggest weakness - and inability to acknowledge and accept vulnerability - and also illuminates why and what I love about Ma-s. Thank you for showing me that you can be vulnerable, accept vulnerability, and still be so strong. Or rather, be stronger because of it. Thank you for patiently walking with me through this painful journey where I learn to walk hand-in-hand with Vulnerability, and smile at Her.

Thank you for loving me so I can love myself, and love you more.


~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Important Lessons from Work...

Yesterday, I learnt a very important lesson:

Even if you can do something alone, if someone offers help, you should take their help sometimes, even if you don't actually need it. Because everyone wants to feel needed.
-Should have not been so sure in rejecting L-z's help to carry the box, after all she did come all the way down with us. Sigh.

Today I learnt another very important lesson:

Learn when to shut up, especially when you're trying to be nice and give feedback to someone. In the process of trying to deliver feedback in what I thought was a nice way, I ended up prolonging it. Never forget that taking feedback is a difficult-to-swallow-and-still-come-out pretty thing. So let it go when you should. Let it go. Said your piece? Let it go!

Sigh. Girl, you have a longgg way to go. So stop putting your foot in your mouth!


~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

unconsciously...

i just counted: six days of OT/ intense sports/gym.

it's coincidentally day seven today and i declare today a day of rest: no OT, no workout!
online shopping for bikinis, enjoying home-cooked dinner (yeah!), and chilling to music playlists on stumbleupon - life is good.

maybe i'll treat myself to a movie in bed later.. hehe.

so pampered, girl!

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Odd Saturday

Just had floorball hit-around in the morning, then lunch at SushiTei with a couple of the fbmates... Odd company for me since they're not (all) exactly people I hang out with - in fact two of them I usually try to avoid... But the good food was worth it.

I was also amused by some changed opinions towards a person I was previously attached to... highly amusing because what I've heard recently seems to completely contradict their now good opinion of him. Haha. But that kind of information is totally not for me to share. So I kept quiet.

Ice cream and coffee afterwards too. But after a while I'm just not sure why I'm there really.

=-

For some odd reason, I thought of looking up old messages/chats with K-vn. And so I did that first thing once I got home. Just reading through them - most of which I don't actually remember - made me smile and smile and smile. Knowing and now recalling that there was once somebody who treasured me like this, even 7 months after I left - and we only knew each other for three months - just amazes me. We still keep in sporadic contact but of course things are no longer the same as 4 years ago. Last time I made a passing statement that if I'm ever in California within the next 2-3 years, I would visit him. But I chickened out since I didn't feel comfortable bringing the bf along. After rereading all the posts now though, I made a silent promise to do so if I ever go to the States again. I owe him, and myself, at least that much.

=-

I don't know what's with me and special occasions (xmas, new years, bday, vday etc) but I feel like I always drift away from -rather than long for - the r/s on such days... The other night I had a dream with someone else and me in it, and I woke up from the dream feeling all eeky. I have no idea why it was that guy of all people (Ke-n- T-n!!?!?) but he even put his arm around me at some point in the dream and I actually liked it but felt guilty soon after. Omg. Weird ass dreams. Please don't come again. Eek. I need to restart my 2-3 times a week gym routine so that I can just come home and fall dead asleep. Bleh.

=-

And not sure why, but recently I'm finding it hard to say those three words without feeling superficial and forced... so I haven't been saying it. Hope he's not realising it/being affected though, since this is wholly an issue on my side it seems.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Worked-out

"How are you feeling, G-?"

I'm feeling great. Really pretty darn good.

Just had a pretty okay day at work, lunch at my favourite bak chor mee and some fresh air, OT'd for an hour  and that went by pretty quick, then had a super good squash session with ys, and topped with supper at ChompChomp (hokkien mee, chicken wings, oyster omelette and soursop juice. Wow. Feeling great.

Even kinda forgot about the boyf for a couple hours today. And for the first time, did not check the phone looking for the yellow KKT sign/messages... Hmmm... Haha. Well.

Yet I remembered to go get stamps to send out the overdue Vday cards. Balance is good right now :)

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Vday

Me and a durian roll from Mum for Vday ... :)

--

Not feeling particularly lonely, but not really yearning either.

I wonder how long the good feeling lasts...? We'll find out.


~ st*rcr*ss*d ~