Not Again...

Just when I thought I settled the matter some weeks ago, it's... back again.
I was so sure I'd cut you off emotionally, closed that soft spot or at least had it significantly diminished; but no, you had to pop up again, all anguished and in need and I- I couldn't turn you away.

Then you told me all that sweet-sounding talk, all that regret expressed in your face, your eyes, your words. I smiled, sweet but sad, but inside my hardened heart stayed, albeit with a tinge of regret for the past memories. Yet, at that moment, we have never been more honest and more open with one another; more true, more raw.

It made me consider a while: Which is stronger - the one who makes me happy or the one with the ability to sadden my heart? The one who takes care of me or the one who I always feel an urge to take care of...? The one who makes feel so comfortable that I can rest on the same bed with him or the one who matters so much that I can't do that same thing because I worry too much? The one who makes me feel secure or the one who makes my heart jump, just that little bit?

Then I decided. It's not like I was sure I liked either; I just felt somehow compelled to put one over the other; but which one? So no, I decided, both are friends and both are important, so both it is. Was I being selfish? Or maybe I was asking for the impossible...

Anyway, the impression I had from our talk was that he just regretted losing me as a good friend and I figured that I withdrew too suddenly and too completely, such that he felt the absence straightaway. I wouldn't like to think that I abandoned my friend, so I figured I just had to be his friend again, which can't be very hard. It's not like he liked me more than that, right....?

Then the bloody idiot started confusing me. What with the postcard in the bookshop, and little flirty statements where I'm pretty sure he's joking but I still wonder, and the look on his face, in his eyes, and the "sometimes your sense of humour is so high, that's why i love you" and "everybody loves you" and yet "we may not have all that romantic shit going on" and singing the chinese mouse song and and and ... argh i don't know...!!

I just took it all with a smile and tried to be a good friend as I was before, giving him comfort when he needs it and hopefully making him smile. Pretty sure I had it all figured out.

But fuck, that pang happened again. In the past when I saw h-, I just felt happy cuz she's a really nice person and I like her alot though we may not be close. Yet today, today... I saw her from afar, walking up the steps with someone and I, before I could stop it, I held my breath, anxious, even... worried... before I saw who her companion was. And released my breath. Then, my rational mind took over and warning bells started ringing furiously, angrily. Fuck fuck fuck.

Fuck. I hate this feeling; please don't let it start again.

Oh my god, why can't my life just stay all black and white and simple please?! I hate emotional mess and I hate emotional dependence. Argh!

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Of Chocolates and Smiles

Y- bought me chocolate today...! I'm not exactly a cliched chocolates-and-flowers-girl; it was not so much the item but the gesture. I'm not really sure when the last time someone bought me a small gift just outta the blue. What's more, for someone who professes to not remember people's food preferences, he has certainly remembered what I like (Ritte-Spor-). And dislike too actually. That was the brinjal. And he cut pieces of fish for me too.

To clarify, not that I think it's anything special of him because he is generally a very nice guy to everyone. It's just one of the things that made me smile today =)

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Life is a Laugh; A Laugh that's Not Funny

"If I could get a second chance, I won't let go this time."

But we hardly ever get second chances, do we?

Really heart-to-heart talk with him this morning, and I just couldn't help feeling a great sense of regret throughout the whole time. A sense of regret for what could have been, what might have been, but probably never will be... A regret, for the missed opportunities and closed windows. A regret for the bad timings and stubborn minds.

Yet, that's as optimistic as I go. One point in time, probably a few months back, I would have been so happy to hear all this. Maybe scared off though, and not as open as now, but still so happy. Now, I just can't help but sit back with a wry bitter laugh at the ludicrosity of man. I'm sorry, but it seems my soft spot has hardened, killed off. What kept ringing through my head was the phrase "It's too late" but I couldn't bring myself to bring it to concrete reality in words. Because then it would have seemed too cruel, too painful and I could see the world crumbling around him already.

"The best and worst thing that happened to me." The hard side of me couldn't help but notice the fickleness too; how can I be sure that this is really all that different as he claims? Everything always seems more extreme, more intense when you're swimming in its midst. But time has a great numbing effect, and often casts a rosier hue over memories grown old with dust. I can't, or maybe won't, open my heart out again to such a trap. At least that's what I thought, but... but I don't know if I'm beginning to waver.

I would have once thought the most humane thing I can do now is cut myself off even more. He did offer to leave me alone once and for all, but I couldn't go through with it. Just 2 weeks and he's become this much of a wreck. Obviously cutting off hasn't worked the way I thought it would; neither did he expect it to be as such too I guess. And there's no way I can cut myself off without resolving this first. It'd just bother me and worry me to bits, wondering all the time if he's gonna be okay. Gosh, I'd never have thought I'd feel so trapped between two people this way; and it's not even about relationships, just friendships.

Why couldn't you appreciate it when you had it? But I guess that's just the way it is. Who learns from the good things? It's always the mistakes, the scrapes, the bruises that hurt; and these are the pain that brings home the realisations, albeit too late.

I still can't help but wonder if it's just the fact that I'm hanging out with someone else now. Maybe I moved on too soon for him to swallow, but it's not like I intentionally hunted out a good friend. Like I said before, friends are friends, time has no relation in friendship. If you click, then you just do.

As much as it hurts me to see him in so much pain, I really couldn't bring myself to salve the hurt. I couldn't take the easy way out. I just couldn't; especially since I knew they would all end up empty promises if I had made them. I'm really not willing to give up this precious friendship that I've just found, and barely experienced. It's just been 3 weeks although it certainly feels longer. And I can't help but feel that there's a short fuse on this, especially since he'll be graduating this semester already. And I really can't seem to hang out the same way with him as I did before; just not the same... I don't know why though I wish I did.

There's a weight on my chest that can't seem to go away...

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

And I never learn...

Happened again...

It hurts really bad when your faith gets betrayed, even if the faith is a blind one invested in strangers. Even then, I know I will just try again anyway. It's not that I'm a very optimistic person; I'm not. But I just want so much to believe in the goodness of humanity sometimes. And maybe because I can't grasp what would drive people to the extent of rummaging through the contents of others' belongings, and take away that little source of joy or two...

I don't know if it's delayed gratification or just lack of appetite (yeah right) or just a sort of self-punishment/reward issue, but I always buy things and never eat it until a while later. Often by then, it's been... taken, shall we say it nicely.

Borough market brownie, hall dinner, 1 jolly spring, 1 small tub b&js, chocolate pudding, cheese spread. Wonder what lucky item would join this list next...

Sigh.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Sway My Way

A tiring week or two so far, unfortunately with more to come.

Suddenly there's that strong urge to sit all day and to serenade the empty air, to serenade my soul...

Can't wait to get home tomorrow, or rather today, for that brief respite I've only been dreaming about for 2 weeks, awake.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~