Life is a Laugh; A Laugh that's Not Funny
"If I could get a second chance, I won't let go this time."
But we hardly ever get second chances, do we?
Really heart-to-heart talk with him this morning, and I just couldn't help feeling a great sense of regret throughout the whole time. A sense of regret for what could have been, what might have been, but probably never will be... A regret, for the missed opportunities and closed windows. A regret for the bad timings and stubborn minds.
Yet, that's as optimistic as I go. One point in time, probably a few months back, I would have been so happy to hear all this. Maybe scared off though, and not as open as now, but still so happy. Now, I just can't help but sit back with a wry bitter laugh at the ludicrosity of man. I'm sorry, but it seems my soft spot has hardened, killed off. What kept ringing through my head was the phrase "It's too late" but I couldn't bring myself to bring it to concrete reality in words. Because then it would have seemed too cruel, too painful and I could see the world crumbling around him already.
"The best and worst thing that happened to me." The hard side of me couldn't help but notice the fickleness too; how can I be sure that this is really all that different as he claims? Everything always seems more extreme, more intense when you're swimming in its midst. But time has a great numbing effect, and often casts a rosier hue over memories grown old with dust. I can't, or maybe won't, open my heart out again to such a trap. At least that's what I thought, but... but I don't know if I'm beginning to waver.
I would have once thought the most humane thing I can do now is cut myself off even more. He did offer to leave me alone once and for all, but I couldn't go through with it. Just 2 weeks and he's become this much of a wreck. Obviously cutting off hasn't worked the way I thought it would; neither did he expect it to be as such too I guess. And there's no way I can cut myself off without resolving this first. It'd just bother me and worry me to bits, wondering all the time if he's gonna be okay. Gosh, I'd never have thought I'd feel so trapped between two people this way; and it's not even about relationships, just friendships.
Why couldn't you appreciate it when you had it? But I guess that's just the way it is. Who learns from the good things? It's always the mistakes, the scrapes, the bruises that hurt; and these are the pain that brings home the realisations, albeit too late.
I still can't help but wonder if it's just the fact that I'm hanging out with someone else now. Maybe I moved on too soon for him to swallow, but it's not like I intentionally hunted out a good friend. Like I said before, friends are friends, time has no relation in friendship. If you click, then you just do.
As much as it hurts me to see him in so much pain, I really couldn't bring myself to salve the hurt. I couldn't take the easy way out. I just couldn't; especially since I knew they would all end up empty promises if I had made them. I'm really not willing to give up this precious friendship that I've just found, and barely experienced. It's just been 3 weeks although it certainly feels longer. And I can't help but feel that there's a short fuse on this, especially since he'll be graduating this semester already. And I really can't seem to hang out the same way with him as I did before; just not the same... I don't know why though I wish I did.
There's a weight on my chest that can't seem to go away...
But we hardly ever get second chances, do we?
Really heart-to-heart talk with him this morning, and I just couldn't help feeling a great sense of regret throughout the whole time. A sense of regret for what could have been, what might have been, but probably never will be... A regret, for the missed opportunities and closed windows. A regret for the bad timings and stubborn minds.
Yet, that's as optimistic as I go. One point in time, probably a few months back, I would have been so happy to hear all this. Maybe scared off though, and not as open as now, but still so happy. Now, I just can't help but sit back with a wry bitter laugh at the ludicrosity of man. I'm sorry, but it seems my soft spot has hardened, killed off. What kept ringing through my head was the phrase "It's too late" but I couldn't bring myself to bring it to concrete reality in words. Because then it would have seemed too cruel, too painful and I could see the world crumbling around him already.
"The best and worst thing that happened to me." The hard side of me couldn't help but notice the fickleness too; how can I be sure that this is really all that different as he claims? Everything always seems more extreme, more intense when you're swimming in its midst. But time has a great numbing effect, and often casts a rosier hue over memories grown old with dust. I can't, or maybe won't, open my heart out again to such a trap. At least that's what I thought, but... but I don't know if I'm beginning to waver.
I would have once thought the most humane thing I can do now is cut myself off even more. He did offer to leave me alone once and for all, but I couldn't go through with it. Just 2 weeks and he's become this much of a wreck. Obviously cutting off hasn't worked the way I thought it would; neither did he expect it to be as such too I guess. And there's no way I can cut myself off without resolving this first. It'd just bother me and worry me to bits, wondering all the time if he's gonna be okay. Gosh, I'd never have thought I'd feel so trapped between two people this way; and it's not even about relationships, just friendships.
Why couldn't you appreciate it when you had it? But I guess that's just the way it is. Who learns from the good things? It's always the mistakes, the scrapes, the bruises that hurt; and these are the pain that brings home the realisations, albeit too late.
I still can't help but wonder if it's just the fact that I'm hanging out with someone else now. Maybe I moved on too soon for him to swallow, but it's not like I intentionally hunted out a good friend. Like I said before, friends are friends, time has no relation in friendship. If you click, then you just do.
As much as it hurts me to see him in so much pain, I really couldn't bring myself to salve the hurt. I couldn't take the easy way out. I just couldn't; especially since I knew they would all end up empty promises if I had made them. I'm really not willing to give up this precious friendship that I've just found, and barely experienced. It's just been 3 weeks although it certainly feels longer. And I can't help but feel that there's a short fuse on this, especially since he'll be graduating this semester already. And I really can't seem to hang out the same way with him as I did before; just not the same... I don't know why though I wish I did.
There's a weight on my chest that can't seem to go away...
~ st*rcr*ss*d ~
posted by fallen star at 4:06 AM
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