Disappointment and Self-Disgust

I can't explain the bitterness that lingered and grew once I had submitted my thesis.

It was incomplete, late and definitely less than best work from myself.

I spent the whole day rushing for time; and the moment I got a breather I ran off to play. Wow. How... mature. And play and play and play I did until I forget the time and end up with a messed up appendix. Great.

I never wanted to drown myself in drunken sorrow more before.

Only also because I know I will get a shit grade and it'll be thanks to the noone else but myself. Oh god. What a disgusting feeling.

So so so so bad. I'm not sure I'll ever get over this. I really dunno why I do the stuff I do sometimes. Especially to myself. I have enough things to do besides hijacking my life, and yup I still do it anyway.

Why, jingwen, why?!

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

The Last Spurt. or... the end?

Why is it that when the end is in sight is when it gets most difficult to push forward?

If I falter now, everything will crumble. Come on.

Come ON!

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

HT HT

Random things that come to mind whilst I'm laboriously chugging away at the Thesis:

- navy blue Doc Martens

- diaphanous dresses

- a haircut and treatment

- music.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Self Indlugence

Allow me just this one moment to indulge in some self-centredness...

HT: poor writing, no transition, not focused. redo chapter 3. great.

Floorball: personal decisions (snatit or not? spuj or not? i'm half more tempted to join ssortabla just cuz its not either); handover: why is everybody graduating?!! and why are the ppl who are most suitable imo for the job going on exchanges!?!; coordinating for league; coordinating between sch and snatit; coordinating between guys and girls; tenses; referee course; screwed up sports officers who kope my court without telling me ggxx; ihg that got delayed almost a month and took up my court space; sch events that take up my court space for another month; booking outside courts and having EIGHT ppl turn up, EIGHT; trying to persuade and influence a coach to coach us; trying to persuade juniors to play for the school team; coordinating between fencing and cheerleading: why don't the guys ever have to fight for their fucking court space?!?!; persuading coaches; last min sfa notifications; having to coach and train; wow and you wonder why i'm tired?? you do??

I spend 2 weeks day in day out in the library trying to concentrate on my thesis but my phone never stops buzzing sometimes. Always floorball. I'm so sick of it I just want to throw my phone away. Omg I dunno if I'm just bad at handling stuff but it only took 8 months to chip away a huge chunk of floorball love that I accumulated in one year in Japan. Thanks.

I find myself growing increasingly grumpy and cynical. Lack of sleep is possibly the largest factor; but I think I'm just getting really jaded with responsibilities. Maybe I'm just whiny but why does so many of the things only have to happen this year? to me?!

I'm so tired.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Band, HT, Floorball

"Last published 22 Feb" - oh my!

Joining band has to be one of of the most mortifying experiences in my life.

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Doing HT is challenging; more so if juggled with ten thousand other things. But the academic exercise is surprisingly ... enjoyable. Sadistic huh.

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Still can't wait to handover. But not without doing it right.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~