The two boys of the family

Just gave my grandma a call to arrange a dinner with her the coming week to celebrate her birthday, but invariably the topic turns to that of when my brother is coming back from Sydney?

I am so annoyed. That dude is freaking 24 and everyone knows he's super smart, and he himself says that it's our own fault for caring too much about him, so why do we still care so much whether he's going to get in trouble or not?? And am I supposed to be my brother's caretaker? Oh and the dad too. Yesterday was Auntie SM looking for the dad; today is the grandma and aunt asking about the brother Down Under.

WHY ME. So annoying. Argh. And of course here I am texting the dad three times and still no reply. Do I have to dig him out too??

This sucks.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

我们如此遥远。。。

"You're so positive it sounds so fake and chirpy and so freaking annoying."

... is what I wanted to say this morning. But I swallowed it in. The beauty, and unfortunate thing of communicating through a device and a screen, is that you always get to filter and filter and put only a front forward. So it feels unreal. How much can you really feel through a bloody screen? Can you tell the slight disbelief some times when I see you type something like "I love you. I'll be thinking of you!"? Can you? "Really? How can you love me all the time? I don't love you all the time. Is it bad of me?" is what I think. Can you tell when I'm laughing, but not with you? Can you tell the insincerity when I 'listen' to your day and yet another story of you being pulled in directions where you expend yourself covering up other people's shit and yet you justify it as a "good learning experience"? Can you?

You say you're ready to listen and talk now, now that I've flared up and got mad this morning, at god knows what. I tell you... I don't really have anything to say. Because I really don't. I don't know what to say to you anymore. I don't understand it myself, so how can I help you understand it? I hate that I have to try and verbalize every single thing and feeling and thought and doubt, because verbalizing is all that we have, isn't it? But I've never been the "babbling brook", never been the storyteller, so how do I start now?

I'm tired of feeling like the bad one; of feeling like the one who doubts all the time; of feeling like the one who thinks in this relationship; of the one who's forgetting how to feel in a relationship; of being the one who says "I love you" less; of being the one who seems to love less. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I don't know what I want. Right now all I can think of is "it's not you, it's me", you know that famous b-up line... But I don't know what is the outcome I want. I feel lost. I think I need to find myself. So I think that means I need time alone. But I'm already alone, so what the hell do I want from you???

I don't know. Maybe a real reaction?

I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to figure out things on my own, because I don't know how to share.

Please just leave me be.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Dilemma

One week since the end of my rotation. The new role has been interesting, and leaving the office everyday with daylight to spare has been pretty darn good.

Maybe now I'll start getting back into the groove for squash and floorball again.

====

In other matters, it feels like he's trying really hard, and I'm not so sure I'm on the same page. I even wonder, is he feeling the lack of sincere attention from me on some subconscious level and compensating for it? Recently he's been trying to strike up conversations here and there, and talking about his life with renewed vigour. I can't say I'm doing the same though. Even his invitation to chat is not very welcome...

I've started looking up links like "How to end a LDR", or "When do you know your relationship is ending?" etc... I think this probably had lots to do with my talk with Evelyn and then YY in the past 2 weeks... And today, I saw somewhere that one of the most terrifying things about getting together with someone is that you might either end up together forever, or breaking up at some point, and both are equally terrifying prospects. So true.

And even though verbally I say I am trying to give him space and time to find himself, I just can't find the sincerity to substantiate that. Especially when he lets on that he went to bed at 5am and skipped dinner for some school club that he can't seem to distangle himself from. I don't get why, and I'm not even sure I want to.

"Do you still feel for him?" ... How the heck would I know. Sometimes, I think this relationship is becoming more of a "thinking" relationship than "feeling". Blah.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~