Unsure, resigned, relegated

I'm considering the need for a break or timeout... again. Oh gosh, I really don't know what's wrong with me because it's only been just a month and I'm already always so doubtful. Am I being very insecure or something?! Do I just secretly wanna be the clingy type? Is... it really so bad that I would like to hang out with you just a little more...? I mean, we hardly msg/msn/sms one another, much less meet. Like what.... once in 3-4 days? I guess if we were busy working people with different schedules then hell yeah, that's great. But we freaking live in the same hall! How hard can it get to msg me once in a while, tell me you wanna meet me for a few mins, have lunch together, or something?! I feel like I'm always initiating... And worse thing is, when I do, I can't even tell if you really wanna be there with me.

I'm so sick of this so tired of all these insecurities and doubts. I like you yes. You are like the one idiot that can make me so happy and so moody at the same time. But I fucking hate being moody! Today, I didn't even wanna bother thinking about you anymore, but you just popped up everywhere! First, your gloves for iceskating. Then the song 25 mins had to come on. Then watching that rom com with x-x and couples everywhere just had me wishing you were there.

I really don't know if you want this or not. Or even if you think you do, whether you want it as much as I do. And I'm not even saying I want it SO badly that I'll die without it. Honestly, I'd rather let it go than keep something there that isn't 100%. I've always been a rather clearcut-type of person -- I don't like gray areas tyvm.

I think I just need a little more time and self-persuasion before I'm ready to let this -- let you -- go. Just a little bit more resignation, doubt and and I'll be ready.

---

On a happier note, sat down to have a nice chat with a visiting professor this morning at breakfast! It was awesome really. He was smiling at us with such wistfulness and hope that I really couldn't take it. So we turned back to go chat with him! And I'm so glad that we did. Sometimes, all it takes is for someone to answer the smile. People complicate things way too much huh.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Something Stupid

I know I stand in line
until you think you have the time
to spend an evening with me ~
And if we go someplace to dance
I know there is a chance
You won't be leaving with me...

That just captured the essence of my... resignation and mindset this past week. And I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle everytime I talk to you, which lasts all of a few mins. Sometimes I used to have the illusion that I'm such an open, accepting person and low maintenance, because I don't really need gifts or flowers to feel loved, and I capitulate at the drip a few honeyed words. But now, I think I'm really quite expensive -- what I want is time, and to constantly constantly know that I'm needed. Is it really so hard to drop me a few words, meet me a few seconds, have lunch with me or something...? I guess I just need some form of security -- ugh can't believe I'm such a girl eww. As much as I'm proud of you and want you to work hard, I really don't see how you can do it 24/7 without a break. Maybe I'm just too slack and don't know what hard work is. And, I'm starting to feel boring in front of you again. Besides, you never seem interested in what's going in my life or to share what's happening in yours... Do you know me at all?

Half of me knows it's probably my over-active mind and too much free time. Because everytime I have too much time to think about something, I only ask pessimistic and cynical things, which just gets myself depressed. But I can't help it really, because I can hardly tell what you're thinking or you hardly say or show me anything positive anymore. Omg and this is just a matter of days. Besides I've always started off cynical, so this is just getting reified.

I'm starting to have serious serious doubts and second thoughts. But I keep telling myself to hold back and wait. Initially, I thought wait till I'm back 3 months later and see if it's still like this. But now I know I would never be able to leave with things in the gray, so I'll just wait till your last paper - wouldn't want to affect your work, if I even could. I know you still have a special place in my life; but I'm not so sure where I stand in yours anymore. I would really love to still be good friends, but I doubt that would hardly be the case -- and that saddens me greatly.

For the first time in my life, I'm actually hoping really hard that this is just PMS. But even then, no smoke without fire right? I'm getting quite emotionally tired from all this second-guessing and doubting. Relationships are so hard; and so easy to see how they fail.

How... pathetic really.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~