Something Stupid
I know I stand in line
until you think you have the time
to spend an evening with me ~
And if we go someplace to dance
I know there is a chance
You won't be leaving with me...
That just captured the essence of my... resignation and mindset this past week. And I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle everytime I talk to you, which lasts all of a few mins. Sometimes I used to have the illusion that I'm such an open, accepting person and low maintenance, because I don't really need gifts or flowers to feel loved, and I capitulate at the drip a few honeyed words. But now, I think I'm really quite expensive -- what I want is time, and to constantly constantly know that I'm needed. Is it really so hard to drop me a few words, meet me a few seconds, have lunch with me or something...? I guess I just need some form of security -- ugh can't believe I'm such a girl eww. As much as I'm proud of you and want you to work hard, I really don't see how you can do it 24/7 without a break. Maybe I'm just too slack and don't know what hard work is. And, I'm starting to feel boring in front of you again. Besides, you never seem interested in what's going in my life or to share what's happening in yours... Do you know me at all?
Half of me knows it's probably my over-active mind and too much free time. Because everytime I have too much time to think about something, I only ask pessimistic and cynical things, which just gets myself depressed. But I can't help it really, because I can hardly tell what you're thinking or you hardly say or show me anything positive anymore. Omg and this is just a matter of days. Besides I've always started off cynical, so this is just getting reified.
I'm starting to have serious serious doubts and second thoughts. But I keep telling myself to hold back and wait. Initially, I thought wait till I'm back 3 months later and see if it's still like this. But now I know I would never be able to leave with things in the gray, so I'll just wait till your last paper - wouldn't want to affect your work, if I even could. I know you still have a special place in my life; but I'm not so sure where I stand in yours anymore. I would really love to still be good friends, but I doubt that would hardly be the case -- and that saddens me greatly.
For the first time in my life, I'm actually hoping really hard that this is just PMS. But even then, no smoke without fire right? I'm getting quite emotionally tired from all this second-guessing and doubting. Relationships are so hard; and so easy to see how they fail.
How... pathetic really.
until you think you have the time
to spend an evening with me ~
And if we go someplace to dance
I know there is a chance
You won't be leaving with me...
That just captured the essence of my... resignation and mindset this past week. And I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle everytime I talk to you, which lasts all of a few mins. Sometimes I used to have the illusion that I'm such an open, accepting person and low maintenance, because I don't really need gifts or flowers to feel loved, and I capitulate at the drip a few honeyed words. But now, I think I'm really quite expensive -- what I want is time, and to constantly constantly know that I'm needed. Is it really so hard to drop me a few words, meet me a few seconds, have lunch with me or something...? I guess I just need some form of security -- ugh can't believe I'm such a girl eww. As much as I'm proud of you and want you to work hard, I really don't see how you can do it 24/7 without a break. Maybe I'm just too slack and don't know what hard work is. And, I'm starting to feel boring in front of you again. Besides, you never seem interested in what's going in my life or to share what's happening in yours... Do you know me at all?
Half of me knows it's probably my over-active mind and too much free time. Because everytime I have too much time to think about something, I only ask pessimistic and cynical things, which just gets myself depressed. But I can't help it really, because I can hardly tell what you're thinking or you hardly say or show me anything positive anymore. Omg and this is just a matter of days. Besides I've always started off cynical, so this is just getting reified.
I'm starting to have serious serious doubts and second thoughts. But I keep telling myself to hold back and wait. Initially, I thought wait till I'm back 3 months later and see if it's still like this. But now I know I would never be able to leave with things in the gray, so I'll just wait till your last paper - wouldn't want to affect your work, if I even could. I know you still have a special place in my life; but I'm not so sure where I stand in yours anymore. I would really love to still be good friends, but I doubt that would hardly be the case -- and that saddens me greatly.
For the first time in my life, I'm actually hoping really hard that this is just PMS. But even then, no smoke without fire right? I'm getting quite emotionally tired from all this second-guessing and doubting. Relationships are so hard; and so easy to see how they fail.
How... pathetic really.
~ st*rcr*ss*d ~
Labels: him, reflection
posted by fallen star at 9:40 PM
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