Not Again...
Just when I thought I settled the matter some weeks ago, it's... back again.
I was so sure I'd cut you off emotionally, closed that soft spot or at least had it significantly diminished; but no, you had to pop up again, all anguished and in need and I- I couldn't turn you away.
Then you told me all that sweet-sounding talk, all that regret expressed in your face, your eyes, your words. I smiled, sweet but sad, but inside my hardened heart stayed, albeit with a tinge of regret for the past memories. Yet, at that moment, we have never been more honest and more open with one another; more true, more raw.
It made me consider a while: Which is stronger - the one who makes me happy or the one with the ability to sadden my heart? The one who takes care of me or the one who I always feel an urge to take care of...? The one who makes feel so comfortable that I can rest on the same bed with him or the one who matters so much that I can't do that same thing because I worry too much? The one who makes me feel secure or the one who makes my heart jump, just that little bit?
Then I decided. It's not like I was sure I liked either; I just felt somehow compelled to put one over the other; but which one? So no, I decided, both are friends and both are important, so both it is. Was I being selfish? Or maybe I was asking for the impossible...
Anyway, the impression I had from our talk was that he just regretted losing me as a good friend and I figured that I withdrew too suddenly and too completely, such that he felt the absence straightaway. I wouldn't like to think that I abandoned my friend, so I figured I just had to be his friend again, which can't be very hard. It's not like he liked me more than that, right....?
Then the bloody idiot started confusing me. What with the postcard in the bookshop, and little flirty statements where I'm pretty sure he's joking but I still wonder, and the look on his face, in his eyes, and the "sometimes your sense of humour is so high, that's why i love you" and "everybody loves you" and yet "we may not have all that romantic shit going on" and singing the chinese mouse song and and and ... argh i don't know...!!
I just took it all with a smile and tried to be a good friend as I was before, giving him comfort when he needs it and hopefully making him smile. Pretty sure I had it all figured out.
But fuck, that pang happened again. In the past when I saw h-, I just felt happy cuz she's a really nice person and I like her alot though we may not be close. Yet today, today... I saw her from afar, walking up the steps with someone and I, before I could stop it, I held my breath, anxious, even... worried... before I saw who her companion was. And released my breath. Then, my rational mind took over and warning bells started ringing furiously, angrily. Fuck fuck fuck.
Fuck. I hate this feeling; please don't let it start again.
Oh my god, why can't my life just stay all black and white and simple please?! I hate emotional mess and I hate emotional dependence. Argh!
I was so sure I'd cut you off emotionally, closed that soft spot or at least had it significantly diminished; but no, you had to pop up again, all anguished and in need and I- I couldn't turn you away.
Then you told me all that sweet-sounding talk, all that regret expressed in your face, your eyes, your words. I smiled, sweet but sad, but inside my hardened heart stayed, albeit with a tinge of regret for the past memories. Yet, at that moment, we have never been more honest and more open with one another; more true, more raw.
It made me consider a while: Which is stronger - the one who makes me happy or the one with the ability to sadden my heart? The one who takes care of me or the one who I always feel an urge to take care of...? The one who makes feel so comfortable that I can rest on the same bed with him or the one who matters so much that I can't do that same thing because I worry too much? The one who makes me feel secure or the one who makes my heart jump, just that little bit?
Then I decided. It's not like I was sure I liked either; I just felt somehow compelled to put one over the other; but which one? So no, I decided, both are friends and both are important, so both it is. Was I being selfish? Or maybe I was asking for the impossible...
Anyway, the impression I had from our talk was that he just regretted losing me as a good friend and I figured that I withdrew too suddenly and too completely, such that he felt the absence straightaway. I wouldn't like to think that I abandoned my friend, so I figured I just had to be his friend again, which can't be very hard. It's not like he liked me more than that, right....?
Then the bloody idiot started confusing me. What with the postcard in the bookshop, and little flirty statements where I'm pretty sure he's joking but I still wonder, and the look on his face, in his eyes, and the "sometimes your sense of humour is so high, that's why i love you" and "everybody loves you" and yet "we may not have all that romantic shit going on" and singing the chinese mouse song and and and ... argh i don't know...!!
I just took it all with a smile and tried to be a good friend as I was before, giving him comfort when he needs it and hopefully making him smile. Pretty sure I had it all figured out.
But fuck, that pang happened again. In the past when I saw h-, I just felt happy cuz she's a really nice person and I like her alot though we may not be close. Yet today, today... I saw her from afar, walking up the steps with someone and I, before I could stop it, I held my breath, anxious, even... worried... before I saw who her companion was. And released my breath. Then, my rational mind took over and warning bells started ringing furiously, angrily. Fuck fuck fuck.
Fuck. I hate this feeling; please don't let it start again.
Oh my god, why can't my life just stay all black and white and simple please?! I hate emotional mess and I hate emotional dependence. Argh!
~ st*rcr*ss*d ~
Labels: friends
posted by fallen star at 6:15 PM
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