Strength

Today, my dad bullied made me carry his work bag for him, from the multi-storey carpark to our house. I was carrying my school bag, a huge file and my jacket, but I agreed. After all, he had a tiring day of work and then korean class, and he fetched me from school, so this surely is just a small gesture of appreciation for him fetching me. I was tired, and my file was bulky and my shoulder started to ache after like 10 steps (I'm weak =/), but I kept quiet and tried not to show a single sign of tiredness or grumpiness, lest my father turned around. He never does, of course. This trivial matter made me realise something though. It's things like this that make me psychological stronger, and perhaps emotionally aloof and estranged...

Since young, I have learnt not to show my weakness to people. Never to show them when I'm tired, or sad, or angry. After all, people don't really want to see such displays of weakness, because few ever know how to respond to that. They either end up being too fake, too concerned or too dismissive, making things worse. The discomfort is clearly, perhaps unconsciously, displayed too. In the shifting eyes, the quick, cliched response and the fidgety air. In any case, I've learnt not to show it when I'm tired, thanks to my dad. I try not to sleep in the car, not to yawn and not to complain or whine that life sucks and I'm tired. I keep quiet and keep strong. To display weariness would only invite reprimands of "You're not taking good care of yourself" or accusations that I'm spending too much time on hockey, or questions like "why are you always so sleepy?", laced with irritation. Perhaps he doesn't mean it, perhaps he's showing his concern for me, but whatever it is, it has nurtured me to become a person who dislikes to show any weak side. As for my mum, I don't show weakness too. Because she'd end up overly concerned or naggy even, and I end up either having to reassure her or reign in my irritation from having to listen to her nag when I'm already exhausted. Either way, it doesn't help. So I've always grown up strong and the only time I fall and break would be in bed, quietly weeping frustrations and weariness into my pillows. Unknowingly, this attitude and mentality has pervaded my friendships as well - I often don't seem anything but happy and cheerful. If I want to cry/storm, I do it quietly and out of the way, only coming back to the throng of people when the black clouds have passed.

That's not to say that my parents don't understand the way I feel at all. Even if I don't show any tiredness or sadness often, parents often have a intuitive way of knowing and being concerned at the right time. My parents don't ask about my recent exam papers, but my dad gladly fetches me to and from school and remind me that life is not all about academics. My mum cooks soup for me every night, waiting for me to return even at 11pm (like today) and only washing up after that. She cheerfully asks me which soup I want tomorrow, and asks me to have brunch with her everyday (when I have afternoon papers), but nary a sound of "so how did you fare?" Other students may find it weird, and liberating or not stressful, but I am appreciative. I've never been one who likes to discuss papers and answers or lament and whine about wrong answers after exams, so I wouldn't really know what to say to my parents either, except "not good".

I'm starting to realise that I might not even make it to a local university, much less an overseas one, not to mention securing a scholarship. The thought is frightening, since I've always scraped through to the best things and I've come to take it for granted. Yet, at the same time, I can't help but feel it's refreshing, still mostly scary, but really refreshing. It's like a way out from a path already carved and set for you to take. A chance to explore the wilderness that is the world and the depth of the unknowns before me. Wonder if I'm really up to it.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Irony

Funny. Read a few posts back and I had written that I was afraid for SATs, esp the maths section, because I've always always been terrible at simple maths. Got my SATs scores about a week ago. Not fantastic, but not 2050 thankfully. 640 for writing (-BIG SIGH- over the stupid section box thing), 700 for crit reading and surprise surprise, 800 for math.

In another note, I decided that one day, I'd like very much to publish a book of essays, articles or just short stories. I already thought of several things I'd like to talk about:

- when we were young, and a boy liked a girl and vice versa, it was a simple straightforward matter of just holding hands to sleep. now, i actually feel uncomfortable around guys if i treat them as the opposite sex. society = unnatural?

- the rejection of the 'elite'

haha recently, I even wrote a song. Okay I wrote the chorus. I was terribly amused by it. One day I'll complete it and send it round =)

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Spoilt

I've been feeling terribly spoilt these days. I think my parents are getting worried over me always staying late in school to study, since they've never seen me like that before. My mum's busy with her Get Drunk In China programme now, yet she takes the time to make soup almost daily, and I know it's for me. It's her way of saying she cares, and not to "stress out" (though that doesn't quite happen to me); the same way her non-stop rambling about her most recent projects is to involve me in her life. Though not always welcome, nor fascinating since she says the same things only about ten times over. Yet, I'm glad that she values my opinions enough to get me to have a look through her script and give comments, and this is what I enjoy most. I learnt a lot. The process of wine, the difference between Chinese white wine and yellow wine, and the difference in process between Western wine and Chinese wine. I even improved my vocabulary. Now I know, viscidity = glueyness. What a wonderfully uppity synonym. She took me out to Jack's Place the next day, in return for my looking through her script. A really lovely treat and a wonderful break from the monotonous and tasteless life I've been having recently.

My dad's been spoiling me too. Fetching me to and from school and slowly, the reprimands of "DON'T STUDY TOO HARD! LET LIFE GO ON!" fades into furrowed brows and concerned reminders of "don't study too hard ya girl..." More importantly, he's been cheering me up unknowingly and somehow, always just when I need it. The two days I felt so down and sick of studying, and just spent the entire day whining away and hiding in my silly childishness, he'd somehow just msg to say "girl want to take a break and go have dinner?" (except he likes to use the word 'dindin', embarrassingly) or "girl take a break and come to borders? I'll buy you dinner". Helps heaps that Borders Bistro is one of my favourite restuarants. Oh well, even though we didn't eat there in the end, (went off to some other refine place Crystal Jade Jiangnan Cuisine, which was mostly a disappointment) I really felt like the black clouds that threatened to thunder and storm suddenly just got wished away by a gentle, caring breeze.

I've been spoilt by my friends too. Horribly. X-x who's always there to cajole me when I fall into one of my black moods and i-wanna-be-a-kid-let-me-alone times. And not once, does she ever flash me a look of irritation, not even when I spoil her entire day of studying, 'cause I'm just so good at disturbing people.

Then there's the other friend D- who constantly tells me to study, and even seems to worry more about my grades than I do. "I'm more worried for you than my delinquent cousin la" He too, never seems to mind, even when I leech off him in the last few hours of the night, or rather, early morning before the paper. When I decide to go out to study, he readily agrees to come along as well, even though he just spent the entire day studying in school.

There's the silent, mysterious one too. Someone whom I used to nag a little, but now has taken to actually telling me to study hard quite frequently, even checking up what I've studied and not. And the rides home are much much much appreciated. Even though they're on the way, I feel so bad depending on others, but he honestly doesn't seem to mind. I'd like to get to know him better, because I like his honesty and he seems to have a depth of character quite uncommon in people our age. Yet, it's hard, and I don't really know how far to push, because he is always so private and ... closed.

There's another, the friend who somehow came about despite not being in school 50% of the time in these two years? Started off with me just helping him collect notes whilst he was overseas and I'm glad I did. He may not attain the academic heights characteristic of 80% of the students in our school; but he has a certain maturity and solidness in character. Someone you know will be there if you ever need him. He offered to buy me something, and then told me to study harder in return for that. I didn't take it up, but I felt so appreciated in that moment when I found out it wasn't a joke. But as I told him, I help because I want to. And for a simple, heartfelt "Thank you."

I feel lucky; scrap that, I feel BLESSED. Especially today when my dad fetched me home, and practically pledged and declared that he'd do whatever to see me through my university education. I better work my bloody ass off for whatever remaining papers I have. Today was a day I felt really good studying. It's late I know, but really, better late than never. Because I was really afraid never would come first... Just a week and a half more. That's all. I feel sad actually. I'm not quite ready to close this chapter.

Give me strength please. And stamina.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

The Psychological Battle

Math paper today... I think it is the only paper that actually awakens and rouse the butterflies in my tummy. Either you can do it, or you can't. That's what I always think anyway. It's not so much a skills thing for me; it's a psychological battle. And I always seem to come out worse for wear. Now, I really understand when they say Maths is all about perseverance... Maybe that's why I don't do well in maths, because that is exactly what I lack in life. I couldn't do several questions today, which take off about probably 40 odd marks in all, and some of them, I had the idea half there already, yet I just didn't pursue it. Math is my psychological battle. It's the strong me versus the you-cant-do-it-right me... And although I've been slowly improving over time, I still give in to the doubts and questions about my ability too easily. And this time, I'm going to pay a heavy price. At least I can say that I have really tried to face a few of those 'demons', albeit at an excrutiatingly slow pace. In fact, I picked the complex number question today... Amazing. Felt pretty confident about it too!! Even more amazing lol. Guess the work paid off. Oh well. Anyhow it's over. Although today wasn't a good day in all. Little things building up upon one another... I'm cheered up much now though, thanks to Hos-, his silly songs and cute videos of his 5-year-old brother! Heh. Hant- jokes were pretty funny too, but I just couldn't really laugh. The kinda laughter that rumbles from the bottom of your tummy and vibrates throughout your entire body. Missing, lacking, hiding away far in a corner.

I've been meaning to do a post on being thankful for my friends. But I keep forgetting or I just don't feel like it. Went to the library to borrow two books, to put my life into perspective again. One of them's a chronicle of a Chinese schoolgirl's diary and her burning to desire to study. Hopefully, when I'm done with it, I'll be spurred on by her too. I know I should be grateful for everything I have; I just can't feel it.

YET.

Peace out for now. Disjointed thoughts and a generally blah feeling makes it hard to blog coherently.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~