The Psychological Battle

Math paper today... I think it is the only paper that actually awakens and rouse the butterflies in my tummy. Either you can do it, or you can't. That's what I always think anyway. It's not so much a skills thing for me; it's a psychological battle. And I always seem to come out worse for wear. Now, I really understand when they say Maths is all about perseverance... Maybe that's why I don't do well in maths, because that is exactly what I lack in life. I couldn't do several questions today, which take off about probably 40 odd marks in all, and some of them, I had the idea half there already, yet I just didn't pursue it. Math is my psychological battle. It's the strong me versus the you-cant-do-it-right me... And although I've been slowly improving over time, I still give in to the doubts and questions about my ability too easily. And this time, I'm going to pay a heavy price. At least I can say that I have really tried to face a few of those 'demons', albeit at an excrutiatingly slow pace. In fact, I picked the complex number question today... Amazing. Felt pretty confident about it too!! Even more amazing lol. Guess the work paid off. Oh well. Anyhow it's over. Although today wasn't a good day in all. Little things building up upon one another... I'm cheered up much now though, thanks to Hos-, his silly songs and cute videos of his 5-year-old brother! Heh. Hant- jokes were pretty funny too, but I just couldn't really laugh. The kinda laughter that rumbles from the bottom of your tummy and vibrates throughout your entire body. Missing, lacking, hiding away far in a corner.

I've been meaning to do a post on being thankful for my friends. But I keep forgetting or I just don't feel like it. Went to the library to borrow two books, to put my life into perspective again. One of them's a chronicle of a Chinese schoolgirl's diary and her burning to desire to study. Hopefully, when I'm done with it, I'll be spurred on by her too. I know I should be grateful for everything I have; I just can't feel it.

YET.

Peace out for now. Disjointed thoughts and a generally blah feeling makes it hard to blog coherently.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~