Frost

In the warmth of people, in the crowd of friends, I feel so cold, and so alone.

I'm usually proud of my ability to listen to people, instead of mostly dominating conversations and forcing my views across. But sometimes, I can't help but wish I am the moody one; that I am the lovestruck one; that I am the one who gets heard...

I feel so tired just listening to people. It's fascinating really, but sometimes, I just want someone I can talk to. About anything. I'm not really sure how I ended up like this - with so many friends, yet none that I even feel comfortable with talking about my feelings. I'm caring, motherly, sisterly, naggy, whatever. I like giving, but sometimes I wish I could take some too. It hurts. Really. I've become pretty good at numbing out the cold loneliness, but sometimes it overwhelms, then I indulge in a deluge of tears staining my pillow.

Sometimes I wish I didn't think so much. Didn't mind hurting ppl with spurts of meanness or spearing them with bluntness of truth. Something just stops me. In my head, words and opinions long to come out, but they just run back in. In the rare chance they spill out, they come out in circles, beating round the bush, if not, then with a level of dilution so high that it almost comes out nice. It's not that I mind what they think of me. I just can't bring myself to knowingly hurt people. I know what to say; I did it once in ignorance and revelled in the sheer power of sarcasm and words, but one day, I decided to change and now? I feel like I've gone down the other extreme, but I can't shake it off. I don't want to hurt people; but sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like I end up hurting myself. Hurting myself, with the things I can't say. Hurting myself, with the silent cries that accumulate. Hurting myself, with the me I never let out.

Sometimes, I even double guess myself. Am I really nice deep down? Or is it some shallow part of me, trying to be nice? Maybe I'm one of those people who come across as fake and insincere, because they are. Sometimes, I wonder if I can see too much into things.

Seeing two sides to an issue, is not necessarily a good thing...

Sometimes, I can't stand myself. I'm proud of my rational thinking, sensibility, level-headedness. But sometimes, it pulls me down. Sometimes, I just want to have one stubborn opinion and the stubbornness to see the world one way -- my way. Being able to see the other side, always makes me think twice, even ten times. Then, I can't decide if I'm being indecisive and cowardly, or just enlightened about the complexity of the issue.

I like taking care of people. But sometimes, I wish it were acknowledged, even in a small I-know-what-you're-doing-and-I-appreciate-it-lots smile. Not just dismissed as a barrage of empty words. Sometimes too, I wish I had someone to take care of me. Or that, I'd let myself be taken care of and let myself depend on others, whine and cajole others to do me favours.

I wish I had someone, whom I could talk to, and be myself, totally. And never feel the need to apologise when I want to let my emotions spill. How awkward. To apologise profusely and feel so burdensome, when I'm trying to relieve my own emotional burden. Just adds up.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I weren't me.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Cold Cruel Reality

I'm sinking deeper and deeper into the emotional abyss... The light, any light, seems further and further away, until it disappears altogether without me noticing, too absorbed in the alluring darkness below. At times like this, the loneliness and estrangement is accentuated, the wound deepened, hurt sharpened, by the cold uncaring and cruel inability of the world around you to pick up any vestige of this emotional low.

It's times like this, that we desperately, desperately claw and crave for any bit, any shimmer of human connection, of caring, of any form of love... More often then not, the usual people - people who supposedly love you, care for you- around you don't get it, and the others on the wrong side of the line - gangs, rapists, strangers with ulterior motives, the devil in your head - that pick up the signals. Not hard to see why sometimes people go the wrong way and CHOOSE to do so... A vacuum of love is a powerful one; sucks most into it's vortex of destruction.

Tonight, the moon is lonely, alone and unique, one-of-it's-kind, in this vast universe. Some nights, she's special - bright and sparkling with a life and lght of her own. Some days, she fades with a dying glow, dull and lifeless - no longer special, unique, one-of-a-kind; just alone... and lonely.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Finality

Tomorrow is Farewell Assembly, the official farewell for J2s. Last official day of school was recent Friday, but the three weeks up till As are still packed with revision lectures and mock exams. I've finally almost completely discarded the idea of Cornell, because 1) I don't really see myself there 2) I think I'm just lingering on it because of the good food, good bf pool (-blinkblinkwtflol- right? rofl), good location and because it was once my dream school... Just when I thought I'm settled with my choices, up pops Williams again thanks to Be-rt. It has also become an excuse to not continue with filling up my apps. Haha ugh whatever, I don't care. Tomorrow I had better pass the teacher ref envelopes to the teachers already. It's been rotting in my bag for like more than a week!

Results were BBCO B3, and if compared with Promos, exactly the same grades hehe. No improvement huh. Econs doesn't seem to be the problem anymore. Suddenly I feel that I can make it, with effort put in of course, but yeah, it just isn't out of reach anymore. A stream of light in the darkness eh? Now the problem shifts to maths again. It's not so much the O grade, but the feeling of ugh-ness during the exam. The blank-mind, though to a lesser extent, and feelings of panic and meticulousness, because I'm afraid to make mistakes in ink.... They're all cropping up again. Dammit. Detrimental shit. Oh yeah that reminds me, SATS this coming Saturday and I've yet to do a single practice paper. And there's maths too, and supposedly 'easy maths' which is the bane of my life because for some reason or other, my 'hard maths' always > than my "easy maths".

Oh well... something to look forward to tmr. Hockey gathering! Maybe my babes can cheer me up and re-ignite the dying spark in me. I feel like I'm wilting this past month, lack of sun, lack of fun, just a lack of activity overall... Too many questions, decisions, and the burdensome thought of having to study for another month.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~