Money

I know I'm not exactly very poor, at least my background. But still, I can't help but wish there were no money woes duh. That's spoilt and pampered, but very... grounded. Come on, this world is practically constructed on money. It /lives/ on money. Having money might not be everything, but it would make things go a hell lot smoother. Sigh. I hate asking my parents for money, and I hate to say that they 'owe' me money. It just sounds totally... bratlike. Like hello... they've spent alot of time, effort, love and yes, money, on just bringing up me this 18 years 3 months and 20 days. What right do I have to say that they 'owe' me money... I hate chasing people for money, hate talking abt money because they used to quarrel over it. They still do occasionally, but its alot more toned down now at least.

Ahh well, luckily I managed to earn some money last dec, else my bank account is probably like dead now already. Ever since I got my atm card, it's been like... an out-of-control downward spiral. It doesn't help that I pay for alot of things now which I used to claim. Just cuz I /dont like asking for money./ He refused to pay me back for the drawers shit, and my mum wont exactly want to pay me either, even though it wuz she who hampered me to get them and i had to take all the trouble to go there and drag my friends there at like TWELVE FUCKING MIDNIGHT. I almost ended up taking a cab home. Sigh. I give up. I GIVE UP. I'll just live more frugally. Plus this month there's lul u's present and the walletS for di- and pouch for want-. I bet ts- keeps wondering why I'm always complaining i have no money anymore. Heh. After all, I don't spend much on food. I'm even so tempted to cut off my phone line. And just not get a new phone, cuz then I'd have to pay it myself anyway. Or I should just settle for less huh. And I had better not go out shopping again. Ugh. UGH. Wallet diet's good for me anyway. I really lost weight. Hopefully, fats. Didn't really believe her till today. Tried on the gio star shirt and at least I didn't have fats bulging out this time. Plus, my double chin seems to be less. Used to be easily triple. Rofl. Fatso! I needa get a parttime job. I should just stop singing lessons, it's freaking expensive, but I don't know how to tell my dad. Sigh. He'd probably be pissed with me and watnot. But... I just don't HAVE the voice for it. I'm not exactly improving... but it has helped me in the most essential way: by letting me gain confidence in just singing, especially in falsetto (yuck). Sigh. And then he still bugs me about learning electric guitar. No thanks! I want to! duh! I even have plans for hip hop and kickboxing/capoeira. But... I don't like chasing for money. Tuition in the past was bad enough. Heh. And he had the audacity to tell me that he pays up punctually for people who base their living on giving this sorta lessons. HA! I almost snorted. Almost.

I have no life. I'm such a homebody and a total anti-social rofl.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Growing up

I keep having those useless, self-undermining questions revolving in my head today. I think I had better ask soon. It's not helping at all. I lost my cool today during training... I was so upset with myself and my lack of any ability to do anything and my overbearingness. Sigh. I'm sorry I shouted at ai-. And I'm sorry I fumbled so many free hits/16-yards. I'm sorry I keep shouting and scolding people. I don't know if what I'm doing is actually really good for the team anymore. I keep doubting myself more than ever, which is fucking stupid because this is a time when they need my strength and certainty more than ever. I need to pull myself together, and I will.

I feel really stupid. All the time I have emphasised the TEAM yet I am walking alone with my burdens. It's all internal really. The pressure to perform, the constant doubts about balance between extremes, self-performance, fitness, everything... Felt sorta good to unload some of it today. STuff to watch out for and improve:

- no more black face after training, if ppl ask if I'm okay, smile and say yes, just reflecting. Didn't realise how black my face was when I don't smile or talk.
- no more losing cool and making NEGATIVE noises like aiyaaaaaaaa sigh. it's NOT going to help. I /know/ that and I should /reflect/ that.
- no more constant questioning and second guessing, get straight to si-r and ask.
- be more forthcoming with praise; honey gets you further than vinegar or chilli padi haha
- always discuss game after game, even if it was poorly
- never ever ever fucking cry on the pitch again, even if it's two drops of unseen tears. too unsettling.
- never ever get pissed with anybody because of poor performance; instead be /CONSTRUCTIVE/ and earnest and sincere and neutral

thank you joa- for making me bathe.
thank you ja- for putting up with me.
thank you aisy- for forgiving me.
thank you ts- for keeping me grounded.
thank you land- for always covering me in that quiet, steadfast manner.
thank you bre- for listening to me and really trying today. so proud wuz i when you stayed low and made that dribble and pass. =)
thank you chi- for not regretting ur decision to join us
thank you shar- for making money collections so easy and putting up with the tiring hours of training and school work
thank you si-, for giving me this chance, and for saying "Thk u 4 everytg." I was SO speechless.
thank you team, for letting me lead and leading me when I'm lost.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Training!

I felt WAY better at today's training than those of the past two to three weeks. I hope I'm really getting better but I'm worried if I say so, I'll just jinx myself haha. Still having abit of problems breathing, but getting better, getting better!

I'm quite worried about placing and tournament and what not now, but actually I've started being realistic and thankful for what I have already. Realised that perhaps the most important thing isn't exactly to win, cuz it'll just go down in the school as one of their many accolades. Rather, we should focus on just having so much fun as a TEAM cuz it's our /only/ year to do so. Winning the gold or silver or bronze isn't really gonna matter so much after we have left the college and joined the rat race. It would be the memories of fun, laughter and even sorrow and pain that will bring a smile to our faces.

Today, I love hockey and all my hot hockey babes. =)

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Hmm...

Today's monday, so I stayed back in class to do homework as usual, mondays being the only day of the week where I do homework. Tried to do maths tutorial, just ended up feeling SO fucking stupid. Some comments by certain people didn't seem to help either. Grr. I'm doing a great up jabbing my low self esteem about my own intelligence already thank you, don't need your help. If it's so easy for you, WHY STILL ASK ME HOW TO DO THEN SNIGGER AT MY ANSWER?! cb. Luckily my pmsy/sleepy/grumpy mood is over, otherwise confirm BOOM.

When I took a toilet break and went to fill my bottle on the 5th floor, I was climbing up again to the sixth floor when I had this horrendous thought. I was wondering how it'd feel jumping from the railing onto the top of the next block, which was about half a floor down. Only thing is, if you miss the jump to the right, you end up SPLAT about 5 and a 1/2 floors down. Then I had this sadistic image going on in my head, like suddenly people finding me splat exactly there and everyone would probably be wondering WHY why why I did it. The answer sprang to my head immediately. "Because I wanted to see how it'd feel..." Almost chilling, but really true. It's quite a simple and probably unbelievable answer huh... And for a moment there, I was REALLY compelled to try. Omg, I'm going insane just like all the dear old "ancestral help" in WW. Gulp. For that moment, I suddenly totally understood her fear of being labelled as a mad woman, because sometimes you become what you're labelled. Society works out like that sometimes...

I need to start studying, kinda worried now. I think I'm growing up a little, slowly getting used to and facing the idea that I /have/ to make a choice about universities and subjects to take or places to go. And I finally actually mean it when I understand that effort will really = my grades at the end of this year. It's finally sunk in that, if I don't give my fucking best to ever reach whatever hidden (make that extremely hidden) potential I have, I'm /NEVER/ gonna get a chance to study where I want, and what I want. I don't care what my parents say about going into the hospitality trade, its still one of my top choices. Working long hard hours is not an excuse to avoid a choice in any career path, because when you're over here, success in no matter what field = long, hard and tiring hours anyway. Why else did you think I was so unhappy and afraid to face the 'growing up'... Sigh.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~