Hmm...
Today's monday, so I stayed back in class to do homework as usual, mondays being the only day of the week where I do homework. Tried to do maths tutorial, just ended up feeling SO fucking stupid. Some comments by certain people didn't seem to help either. Grr. I'm doing a great up jabbing my low self esteem about my own intelligence already thank you, don't need your help. If it's so easy for you, WHY STILL ASK ME HOW TO DO THEN SNIGGER AT MY ANSWER?! cb. Luckily my pmsy/sleepy/grumpy mood is over, otherwise confirm BOOM.
When I took a toilet break and went to fill my bottle on the 5th floor, I was climbing up again to the sixth floor when I had this horrendous thought. I was wondering how it'd feel jumping from the railing onto the top of the next block, which was about half a floor down. Only thing is, if you miss the jump to the right, you end up SPLAT about 5 and a 1/2 floors down. Then I had this sadistic image going on in my head, like suddenly people finding me splat exactly there and everyone would probably be wondering WHY why why I did it. The answer sprang to my head immediately. "Because I wanted to see how it'd feel..." Almost chilling, but really true. It's quite a simple and probably unbelievable answer huh... And for a moment there, I was REALLY compelled to try. Omg, I'm going insane just like all the dear old "ancestral help" in WW. Gulp. For that moment, I suddenly totally understood her fear of being labelled as a mad woman, because sometimes you become what you're labelled. Society works out like that sometimes...
I need to start studying, kinda worried now. I think I'm growing up a little, slowly getting used to and facing the idea that I /have/ to make a choice about universities and subjects to take or places to go. And I finally actually mean it when I understand that effort will really = my grades at the end of this year. It's finally sunk in that, if I don't give my fucking best to ever reach whatever hidden (make that extremely hidden) potential I have, I'm /NEVER/ gonna get a chance to study where I want, and what I want. I don't care what my parents say about going into the hospitality trade, its still one of my top choices. Working long hard hours is not an excuse to avoid a choice in any career path, because when you're over here, success in no matter what field = long, hard and tiring hours anyway. Why else did you think I was so unhappy and afraid to face the 'growing up'... Sigh.
When I took a toilet break and went to fill my bottle on the 5th floor, I was climbing up again to the sixth floor when I had this horrendous thought. I was wondering how it'd feel jumping from the railing onto the top of the next block, which was about half a floor down. Only thing is, if you miss the jump to the right, you end up SPLAT about 5 and a 1/2 floors down. Then I had this sadistic image going on in my head, like suddenly people finding me splat exactly there and everyone would probably be wondering WHY why why I did it. The answer sprang to my head immediately. "Because I wanted to see how it'd feel..." Almost chilling, but really true. It's quite a simple and probably unbelievable answer huh... And for a moment there, I was REALLY compelled to try. Omg, I'm going insane just like all the dear old "ancestral help" in WW. Gulp. For that moment, I suddenly totally understood her fear of being labelled as a mad woman, because sometimes you become what you're labelled. Society works out like that sometimes...
I need to start studying, kinda worried now. I think I'm growing up a little, slowly getting used to and facing the idea that I /have/ to make a choice about universities and subjects to take or places to go. And I finally actually mean it when I understand that effort will really = my grades at the end of this year. It's finally sunk in that, if I don't give my fucking best to ever reach whatever hidden (make that extremely hidden) potential I have, I'm /NEVER/ gonna get a chance to study where I want, and what I want. I don't care what my parents say about going into the hospitality trade, its still one of my top choices. Working long hard hours is not an excuse to avoid a choice in any career path, because when you're over here, success in no matter what field = long, hard and tiring hours anyway. Why else did you think I was so unhappy and afraid to face the 'growing up'... Sigh.
~ st*rcr*ss*d ~
posted by fallen star at 7:21 PM
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