Failure

It was kinda therapeutic walking into a totally dark and totally empty house today. Finally let my tears loose... I've been trying to hold it back the whole day, especially training. Today was bad, so bad, I just... blah. Really REALLy off form today, sir kept picking on me plus I was tired.Funny, people always seem to think im sick when im not. Same for tired. True I was physically sorta tired the last few times he asked me, but then, I was still mentally fresh, ready to tackle any sort of lousy training I had. But today, I really just couldn't do it. I just got pissed with myself, pissed with my lack of sight today, pissed with my fumbling, pissed with people's lack of form, pissed with people's lousy attitudes, pissed with my own stoning out, pissed with even someone's vacuous look. How dumb is that man. Training ended sourly too... I /hate/ making people unhappy and letting them down.

I'm so tired... Of everything. School work, having to keep homework and keep track of what we're learning for that absent friend (currently demoted to just classmate because of my bad mood now). I'm tired of having a mental burden everywhere I go. In school, I'm never JUST myself. Just me. I'm always like... H- C-. Wtf. I have a name you know. I have a character. I am MORE just than just a fucking H- C-. Woot. But everything I do, I keep feeling as though I'd be judged by that, and because of my dislike for disappointing others and keeping the reputation of the team, I continually keep myself in check. Now, I'm just the sometimes hardworking, mostly quite smart classmate who's always silly, and then the happy and always comforting and consoling c-, then the friend whos there to accompany others on their parties. WHERE'S ME!?? Okay I'm sure I'm pretty exaggerated now, as though I'm such a sacrificial lamb whom nobody cares about ya, but lemme at it man. I need this rant. I don't have much more...

It's funny how nobody really seems to want to see someone else's ugly side. The mean snide side, or the unhappy side. If you ask me, "Are you unhappy?", am I supposed to say yes?! Then you'd ask me 'why' right, which doesn't help. -I- think it's a privilege for people to see my ugly side, my unhappy side and the reasons behind it. I don't think I'm that silly or unreasonable, I don't think I always get pissed or upset for no reason. If I ever said its due to PMS, and you believed it, You /dont know/ me. The extent of the pissed offness might be due to PMS, but there is always a reason behind something, no matter how small. It can even be stupid, but there IS a reason... Nobody just really wants to hear this sorta stuff. Who likes getting caught in the middle of unhappy arguments and tiffs huh... I don't want a friend or anyone to listen to all my troubles, cuz I'd never be comfortable talking all about it the way I talk to myself in my head. I just want someone to be there to lend me their shoulder for me to cry when I need to, and just keep the comforting silence and presence. I know it is cynical yes, but I don't believe in people actually listening anymore. All pretty shallow stuff.

I keep questioning my ability to lead recently, and with increasing frequency. I keep questioning my every smile or shout or just comforting diluted answers. Should I be blunt? Or should I be tactful? Shout with a pissed face or tell with a smile? Push the people, or let them choose to push themselves? A balance of both? But where's the equilibrium?? It's never as simple as being in the smack middle equi-distance from both extremes...

Sometimes, I really envy my classmates. They have the enjoyment of saying "I have lots of time today, let's play more cards!" Only thing is, I wonder if they even know it's such a longing in my life. Everyday, I feel like sometimes I'm committing myself to something I know I won't even enjoy, or I'm just there for token effort and appearance, pushing myself in things I don't like simply because of the C word. Does it really take so much to be one? I always feel like I'm doing too much, but then I'll feel like it's not enough the next moment. I don't understand how some of them can seem to have so much time and social life and extra school stuff AND get the gold too. Maybe it's just the nature of their sport. But help me, I'm sinking already...

I need to start taking care of myself, I /know/ that. But I don't seem to have time to. So many things to keep reminding myself to do, so many people to worry about, so much homework to force down my throat. I vomitted today after pt, and stayed away from everybody, cuz I was worried they'd notice it. There was nothing to vomit out except some pitiful bits of seaweed and lotsa water. And I think I'm sick. Sunday, was when it got worse. Headache, chills, blocked nose and a constricted throat. Not comfortable stuff to train with. But I refuse to admit to anyone that I'm sick, because I know the moment I do so, my mental strength, which is already increasingly being stretched thin, will just snap and I'd sink into an abyss of slackness. It's always so hard to work right and so easy to do wrong; so tiring to climb up, but half the effort to skip down; so wearying to keep strong and just so so easy to give in to weakness... One of Life's little sadistic joys eh?

I just want someone there to lend me the shoulder again. Maybe I just need my delightfully comfy and soft pillow and to wail my heart out into it.

I feel better already though. Thank you. I had no response whatsoever to some GP question that had described blogging as a narcissistic thing, but now I do. In this increasingly tiring, stressful and pressurising society, sometimes for some people, blogging is perhaps the only outlet where you can really say anything and have it not affect people the wrong way. And being anonymous allows you that courage to say what you /really/ want to say; what you say in your head which somehow comes out diluted and even conversely from your mouth.

I need a hug.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~