Growing up

I keep having those useless, self-undermining questions revolving in my head today. I think I had better ask soon. It's not helping at all. I lost my cool today during training... I was so upset with myself and my lack of any ability to do anything and my overbearingness. Sigh. I'm sorry I shouted at ai-. And I'm sorry I fumbled so many free hits/16-yards. I'm sorry I keep shouting and scolding people. I don't know if what I'm doing is actually really good for the team anymore. I keep doubting myself more than ever, which is fucking stupid because this is a time when they need my strength and certainty more than ever. I need to pull myself together, and I will.

I feel really stupid. All the time I have emphasised the TEAM yet I am walking alone with my burdens. It's all internal really. The pressure to perform, the constant doubts about balance between extremes, self-performance, fitness, everything... Felt sorta good to unload some of it today. STuff to watch out for and improve:

- no more black face after training, if ppl ask if I'm okay, smile and say yes, just reflecting. Didn't realise how black my face was when I don't smile or talk.
- no more losing cool and making NEGATIVE noises like aiyaaaaaaaa sigh. it's NOT going to help. I /know/ that and I should /reflect/ that.
- no more constant questioning and second guessing, get straight to si-r and ask.
- be more forthcoming with praise; honey gets you further than vinegar or chilli padi haha
- always discuss game after game, even if it was poorly
- never ever ever fucking cry on the pitch again, even if it's two drops of unseen tears. too unsettling.
- never ever get pissed with anybody because of poor performance; instead be /CONSTRUCTIVE/ and earnest and sincere and neutral

thank you joa- for making me bathe.
thank you ja- for putting up with me.
thank you aisy- for forgiving me.
thank you ts- for keeping me grounded.
thank you land- for always covering me in that quiet, steadfast manner.
thank you bre- for listening to me and really trying today. so proud wuz i when you stayed low and made that dribble and pass. =)
thank you chi- for not regretting ur decision to join us
thank you shar- for making money collections so easy and putting up with the tiring hours of training and school work
thank you si-, for giving me this chance, and for saying "Thk u 4 everytg." I was SO speechless.
thank you team, for letting me lead and leading me when I'm lost.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~