Failure

It was kinda therapeutic walking into a totally dark and totally empty house today. Finally let my tears loose... I've been trying to hold it back the whole day, especially training. Today was bad, so bad, I just... blah. Really REALLy off form today, sir kept picking on me plus I was tired.Funny, people always seem to think im sick when im not. Same for tired. True I was physically sorta tired the last few times he asked me, but then, I was still mentally fresh, ready to tackle any sort of lousy training I had. But today, I really just couldn't do it. I just got pissed with myself, pissed with my lack of sight today, pissed with my fumbling, pissed with people's lack of form, pissed with people's lousy attitudes, pissed with my own stoning out, pissed with even someone's vacuous look. How dumb is that man. Training ended sourly too... I /hate/ making people unhappy and letting them down.

I'm so tired... Of everything. School work, having to keep homework and keep track of what we're learning for that absent friend (currently demoted to just classmate because of my bad mood now). I'm tired of having a mental burden everywhere I go. In school, I'm never JUST myself. Just me. I'm always like... H- C-. Wtf. I have a name you know. I have a character. I am MORE just than just a fucking H- C-. Woot. But everything I do, I keep feeling as though I'd be judged by that, and because of my dislike for disappointing others and keeping the reputation of the team, I continually keep myself in check. Now, I'm just the sometimes hardworking, mostly quite smart classmate who's always silly, and then the happy and always comforting and consoling c-, then the friend whos there to accompany others on their parties. WHERE'S ME!?? Okay I'm sure I'm pretty exaggerated now, as though I'm such a sacrificial lamb whom nobody cares about ya, but lemme at it man. I need this rant. I don't have much more...

It's funny how nobody really seems to want to see someone else's ugly side. The mean snide side, or the unhappy side. If you ask me, "Are you unhappy?", am I supposed to say yes?! Then you'd ask me 'why' right, which doesn't help. -I- think it's a privilege for people to see my ugly side, my unhappy side and the reasons behind it. I don't think I'm that silly or unreasonable, I don't think I always get pissed or upset for no reason. If I ever said its due to PMS, and you believed it, You /dont know/ me. The extent of the pissed offness might be due to PMS, but there is always a reason behind something, no matter how small. It can even be stupid, but there IS a reason... Nobody just really wants to hear this sorta stuff. Who likes getting caught in the middle of unhappy arguments and tiffs huh... I don't want a friend or anyone to listen to all my troubles, cuz I'd never be comfortable talking all about it the way I talk to myself in my head. I just want someone to be there to lend me their shoulder for me to cry when I need to, and just keep the comforting silence and presence. I know it is cynical yes, but I don't believe in people actually listening anymore. All pretty shallow stuff.

I keep questioning my ability to lead recently, and with increasing frequency. I keep questioning my every smile or shout or just comforting diluted answers. Should I be blunt? Or should I be tactful? Shout with a pissed face or tell with a smile? Push the people, or let them choose to push themselves? A balance of both? But where's the equilibrium?? It's never as simple as being in the smack middle equi-distance from both extremes...

Sometimes, I really envy my classmates. They have the enjoyment of saying "I have lots of time today, let's play more cards!" Only thing is, I wonder if they even know it's such a longing in my life. Everyday, I feel like sometimes I'm committing myself to something I know I won't even enjoy, or I'm just there for token effort and appearance, pushing myself in things I don't like simply because of the C word. Does it really take so much to be one? I always feel like I'm doing too much, but then I'll feel like it's not enough the next moment. I don't understand how some of them can seem to have so much time and social life and extra school stuff AND get the gold too. Maybe it's just the nature of their sport. But help me, I'm sinking already...

I need to start taking care of myself, I /know/ that. But I don't seem to have time to. So many things to keep reminding myself to do, so many people to worry about, so much homework to force down my throat. I vomitted today after pt, and stayed away from everybody, cuz I was worried they'd notice it. There was nothing to vomit out except some pitiful bits of seaweed and lotsa water. And I think I'm sick. Sunday, was when it got worse. Headache, chills, blocked nose and a constricted throat. Not comfortable stuff to train with. But I refuse to admit to anyone that I'm sick, because I know the moment I do so, my mental strength, which is already increasingly being stretched thin, will just snap and I'd sink into an abyss of slackness. It's always so hard to work right and so easy to do wrong; so tiring to climb up, but half the effort to skip down; so wearying to keep strong and just so so easy to give in to weakness... One of Life's little sadistic joys eh?

I just want someone there to lend me the shoulder again. Maybe I just need my delightfully comfy and soft pillow and to wail my heart out into it.

I feel better already though. Thank you. I had no response whatsoever to some GP question that had described blogging as a narcissistic thing, but now I do. In this increasingly tiring, stressful and pressurising society, sometimes for some people, blogging is perhaps the only outlet where you can really say anything and have it not affect people the wrong way. And being anonymous allows you that courage to say what you /really/ want to say; what you say in your head which somehow comes out diluted and even conversely from your mouth.

I need a hug.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Operaaaa

Watched some Chinese Cultural Festival performance today at the Singapore Conf Hall. Haha, interesting that I passed by this place for X physique that day. First brush with any sort of opera experience. Quite amazing frankly, thought I can't say I'm hooked. But the amazing control and texture of their voices, especially the guy's... WOW. Ding Yi - One of the Three Tenors of China and he's at the Sydney Opera House. The lady was a Wu Bixia, not bad, but I still don't like shrill high voices much. Plus she sang the western classics way better than the chinese evergreen songs. Kinda weird. Her voice control and such is AMAAZING too.

I loved it when the guy sang Cao Yuan Zhi Ye. SO NICE! My gosh. I still can't appreciate orchestral music though, although the conductor was simply funny: the way he kept beaming and dancing, hopping a little to the music. Being an opera singer is no joke man. You have to be like an actor, a performer, a great singer and most importantly a crowd interactor! The guy, was in my opinion, fantastic because he seemed to engage the crowd better. Plus, I guess you have to really enjoy your singing, because you have to show that you are to the audience, and this sorta thing is kinda hard to fake huh.

Okie, time to sleep. Hung out with classmates yest though, at Jln Kayu. Not too bad, though this morning had to get up SO early and still took a cab >.< No money left. Sigh. And I think I'm a darn possessive and SELFISH person. Recently, I think d and w are getting closer and I started feeling kinda unhappy. Cuz it's always been me, like I've always been mostly the one who's closer to the guys or him in general. Maybe its just me and my too-much thinking blah. Okay. Going to bed. But I SERIOUSLY think there's something going on between them two. BLAH.

Speaking of which, he talked to me and touched my hand. In two separate incidents though in the same day. Wished it had been a few weeks earlier huh, then I'd probably hyperventilate the whole week =P Too bad.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

=))

"we caught each others eye and smiled today. for some reason that felt nice, probably after sometime of pretending i didnt kno him and mbbe even vice versa."

from my lj. where it was too unconsciously suspicious. i started being interrogated on who 'he' was by w- and ts-. rofl. sadly, hes just a passing acquaintance i barely knew plus hes taken. and despite what j ac said, i still think hes pretty good, smooth even, with girls. i refuse to go with those sort. mbbe im just in denial again. i wonder if im really getting that desperate to just go for any new guy i've met or just i really think hes great or just i made him up to be great or im just going thru the phase like the one i had in p6 with hzc rofl. speaking of which, wonder where and how he's doing now haha. I bet he's balding! HOHO! =D

soon we'll get back to avoiding each other's eyes. and i need to stop anticipating his passing by. sigh.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Ex-Fi-Zeek!

Had X physique today! So horrid though. Had to run like everywhere between stations haha. Had a disgusting 3 hour wait at the 4th station -abseiling. All cuz sucky ppl all cut our queue. Jump from third queue to first queue, so the 2nd queue so poor thing =( haha spent the time playing hangman! Pro words = quisling and pwning! ROFL. Zh and I totally slaughtered j ac and ts ai. Only managed to complete like 8 stations and that wuz by 1526. Rofl. So we jumped a cab back to starting point to collect our goodie bags! At least we got to do everything except rock climbing which I dont really xi1 han4. Never knew cycling could involve no butt pain haha. My bicycle really sucks then man =P Luckily we persisted in continuing the race and got to at least use our 10$ bike payment =D. Hung out after that for our breakfast/lunch/dinner at kfc. Good company. Zh's not bad, quiet but not exactly that shy and still able to be funny at times. Not spaced out or distracted. Haha but my impression of him totally changed when he flicked that girl's hair to say bye! Oh well. I shouldn't read too much into stuff sometimes maybe =P Oh yeah, zh and ts picked up a Cabarnet Sauvignon bottle with a message in it! Haha so it became our trophy. Funny leh! Inside simply had some weird quotes by ppl. Had such a hard time getting it out cuz it wuz wet and tearing easily too rofl. My favourite quote in there wuz "Everyone's blacker when the light goes out." HAHA! Next time someone say I'm very black, I'll tell them when the lights off, everyones black too =)) Hoho! Then theres wuz another one: "There's a party in my pants and you're invited" ROFL.

Not that bad a day in all. Probably one of those things I'll recall in the future =) Company was surprisingly okay. Though initially I was slightly uncomfy with zh cuz I wuz the one who didn't know him. Still wondering/surprised that he dared to come tho. Haha.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Hummm

Went through one of my 'drifting' phases again. But its not too bad now, sorta going away.

Yesterday, he bought me a drink and wordlessly placed it in front of me. Despite it probably being the cheapest drink in the canteen and having no ice and stuff, it was really really sweet. I felt so touched and appreciated at that moment, just by that one small gesture. Probably cuz I didnt expect it and also cuz I've been really quite tired and burdened these few days. Just like that sprig of baby's breath i found tucked away in a pocket of my bag. That made me smile too. Thank you whoever did that =) Have yet to find the culprit hehe. I know he probably did it out of feeling bad (maybe?) cuz this week he's going off, so I'm helping him to keep his hmwk yeah. But I never expected anything in return. Guess its stuff like this that makes helping ppl worthwhile? It seems to come back sometimes, at times when you need it, and so it becomes unexpectedly sweeter. I don't know if I can keep it up when he goes off for a month though... Training and all will probably intensify with season being near and stuff. I'm already so tired nowadays and its just the beginning. Need to be more disciplined and efficient in doing what I have to do.

Oh yeah, and I can't stop thinking about his massage. It's SO good. Especially that day cuz my shoulders were so tense and tight for some reason. I keep thinking of the massage again, but I'd feel so bad if I constantly asked him to massage for me... Haha. I'm not like ji ll. So funny though, going for the DDD civics elective and learning how to massage, one of the things they said wuz not to do cross-gender ones. But what's wrong with those? Ahh well.

Tmr there's Xphysique. My inner thighs and butt are aching. I havn't found the time to run the past two weeks, besides my lonely 20 mins run in the rain and the macritchie one. And I havnt cycled in the longest time ever, plus I can't rock climb anymore cuz I'm so heavy and swimming! Gulp. I wonder why I took part in this. Lol. AND! I have to be there at 7am tmr! I'm gonna have to wake up at like 5 or something n hope really hard I won't be late. Gosh =/ It better be a blast! At least, it'll be one of those things I can look back on and remember. We get to jump off a bridge! And abseil 11 stories down shaw tower. Way cool huh? ;)

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~