Ramblings

Teaching, Heroes, Disappointment.

Yesterday during my weekly torture of a 3-hour seminar class, I suddenly felt wave upon wave of disappointment. Title that shot through my head was: "Why NUS History Professors cannot be USP Profs". This feeling was just reified as my professor went on about what was good academic blogging. I don't know why but that last term just seems somewhat paradoxical to me. Academic equals informed, researched, weighted, formal writing. Blogging equates to casual, random, stream of consciousness, opinionated scribblings. Not sure how they go together. Especially if the blog is supposed to chart some sort of reflection. I was initially excited about this idea of reflection journal, because it seemed closer than anything else I've ever done in history, to the USP classes I enjoy so much. But the last debrief by the professor just really brought all my hopes down. I realised that all she wants is to know that we've done our readings and thought about the readings and even better if we summarise them wow. It's not about the quality of thought - as it was in USP - but just stick to the topic, stick to the readings. And blogging, I thought the point of blogging was it make a little more personal, so that we can not just reflect on what we've done in class, but to see how it might apply in our lives. Of course, balance and restraint must be exercised in this matter, otherwise it'll just get mawkish. But nope, it's formal academic writing or nothing else.

Sheesh. Hardly any space for thoughts, for conceptual discussions, for growth of any sort. So sad though - I'm at my final semester in NUS and my best classes have been 2 USP classes, 1 PS tutorial and perhaps just one somewhat noteworthy History class. And guess what classes I've taken the most of and what I am majoring in? Uh huh, History.

C'est pathetique, non?

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Straight after this disgusting 3-hour brain crunch of a class, I get to go for a match - one of those matches where you know you have to win, because you will be the one that makes or breaks it. Great huh.

Okay but at least I won that, even though I think we all didn't expect me to.

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And the last thing, I dunno what kind of dad you had, but one thing I do know is that he died early - when you were just 12 - and left behind a family struggling financially. But you know what, you have a family right now, a family who needs you and loves you, but why don't you want to use this to do what you'd probably have liked your dad to do for you back then?

Why, pa?

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

Triggers

Finding out about the HT schedule + Finding out why I got a B for the Japanese History Class last semester (and that my friend who submitted two papers wayyy later got the same grade) + Reading the "short" introduction posts in the class' blog reflection journals and realising that my hopes for a USP-like History Honours class were all dashed and this was just going to be like another online forum = Emo, Angsty, Irritated and Bewildered about why I am still in university doing 1) a course that I'm not even sure I enjoy 2) and doing Honours programme for that too 3) and if that's not enough, making it a difficult year with IVP+IHG+wanting to work. Wow.

Why the hell am I in university? Taking classes that hardly spur my intellectual growth? Leading a team that I'm afraid I will ultimately let down? Playing a sport that I know will go nowhere? Choosing an honours programme and 5-year DDP just because it will supposedly delay my graduation? Still STILL living in hall when I can hardly muster up any enthusiasm for the hall events to fit even through the eye of a needle?!

I thought my JC and Uni years were "waking up" years for me; but there's a sudden revelation that I might have still been asleep all along. How surreal life can feel sometimes.

Bittersweet, painful ache of uncertainty and doubt. Fucking sucks.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

a.Pac: out

Today's training dynamics seemed much better - even joined them for dinner. Sadly though, did not make it through the cut because apparently my offensive defence is okay, but my defensive defence is lacking. Gotta work on that and stop being greedy. After all I think I'm most probably playing last man for I.vP. Ra.

Also, reminder to self: next time, focus on my own game on court, and leave the off-court imaginings off. Gotta learn to play my own game, even in new and strange environments.

That said, not that disappointing because it was never really within my sights initially, but of course having gone to try out, there was still that small sliver of hope. Nevertheless, a short yet precious experience - think I might be back for more.

On a sidenote, wish my medication would wear off and leave my pupil not dilated anymore. I think I'm getting tiny headaches from the one blur eye + one clear eye vision. Raa. Come on come on.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

a.Pac: The Reason...?

I just realised that for many of the large "life-changing", momentous things I've taken on -whether in the past or present - have always been justified by the rationale of: Because I've never done it before, so why not? And it seems pretty cool huh?

And I have to admit it's gotten me to a pretty good place right now, and really helped me grow a lot - in strength of character as well as in cumulative wisdom that only comes with going beyond the comfortable box.

But right now for the first time in a while, I'm starting to wonder if this is a sufficient reason. Is it worth to risk over-training, or the money, or the academics, or the painful social situations that will likely arise? I guess maybe it's the fear talking. A secret fear of being not trusted, not liked and shown just all that in an enclosed experience with a group of people that you're supposed to be playing together with on the same team on court. Or a fear of being the bottom of the barrel again, the one whom everybody will likely shout at for making mistakes, that well, should maybe be taken as a team? I dunno. Maybe I'm just in a comfortable place socially right now, and especially with the past year in Japan, it may have just become more difficult to extricate myself from this comfortable hole.

I just don't know if I'm being irrational about this; but I do know one thing: I don't know how much I want this anymore.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~

4 Jan

All I want for 4 Jan is my left eye sight...

Thankfully I mini-celebrated my birthday with XX the day before the poor eye got whacked. StrictlyPancakes for dinner, Timbre for drinks, pizza and live music (but boo for poor service!) and Karaoke the whole night!

The only thing that really struck me in my gut was seeing the email invitation to A-pac Trials after coming back from the hospital. Oh well.

Everytime I lie down, I will myself to recover. And envision IVP. I wanna be there there, not in the sidelines.

Come on girl, you can do it.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~