a.Pac: The Reason...?

I just realised that for many of the large "life-changing", momentous things I've taken on -whether in the past or present - have always been justified by the rationale of: Because I've never done it before, so why not? And it seems pretty cool huh?

And I have to admit it's gotten me to a pretty good place right now, and really helped me grow a lot - in strength of character as well as in cumulative wisdom that only comes with going beyond the comfortable box.

But right now for the first time in a while, I'm starting to wonder if this is a sufficient reason. Is it worth to risk over-training, or the money, or the academics, or the painful social situations that will likely arise? I guess maybe it's the fear talking. A secret fear of being not trusted, not liked and shown just all that in an enclosed experience with a group of people that you're supposed to be playing together with on the same team on court. Or a fear of being the bottom of the barrel again, the one whom everybody will likely shout at for making mistakes, that well, should maybe be taken as a team? I dunno. Maybe I'm just in a comfortable place socially right now, and especially with the past year in Japan, it may have just become more difficult to extricate myself from this comfortable hole.

I just don't know if I'm being irrational about this; but I do know one thing: I don't know how much I want this anymore.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~