Unsure, resigned, relegated
I'm considering the need for a break or timeout... again. Oh gosh, I really don't know what's wrong with me because it's only been just a month and I'm already always so doubtful. Am I being very insecure or something?! Do I just secretly wanna be the clingy type? Is... it really so bad that I would like to hang out with you just a little more...? I mean, we hardly msg/msn/sms one another, much less meet. Like what.... once in 3-4 days? I guess if we were busy working people with different schedules then hell yeah, that's great. But we freaking live in the same hall! How hard can it get to msg me once in a while, tell me you wanna meet me for a few mins, have lunch together, or something?! I feel like I'm always initiating... And worse thing is, when I do, I can't even tell if you really wanna be there with me.
I'm so sick of this so tired of all these insecurities and doubts. I like you yes. You are like the one idiot that can make me so happy and so moody at the same time. But I fucking hate being moody! Today, I didn't even wanna bother thinking about you anymore, but you just popped up everywhere! First, your gloves for iceskating. Then the song 25 mins had to come on. Then watching that rom com with x-x and couples everywhere just had me wishing you were there.
I really don't know if you want this or not. Or even if you think you do, whether you want it as much as I do. And I'm not even saying I want it SO badly that I'll die without it. Honestly, I'd rather let it go than keep something there that isn't 100%. I've always been a rather clearcut-type of person -- I don't like gray areas tyvm.
I think I just need a little more time and self-persuasion before I'm ready to let this -- let you -- go. Just a little bit more resignation, doubt and and I'll be ready.
---
On a happier note, sat down to have a nice chat with a visiting professor this morning at breakfast! It was awesome really. He was smiling at us with such wistfulness and hope that I really couldn't take it. So we turned back to go chat with him! And I'm so glad that we did. Sometimes, all it takes is for someone to answer the smile. People complicate things way too much huh.
I'm so sick of this so tired of all these insecurities and doubts. I like you yes. You are like the one idiot that can make me so happy and so moody at the same time. But I fucking hate being moody! Today, I didn't even wanna bother thinking about you anymore, but you just popped up everywhere! First, your gloves for iceskating. Then the song 25 mins had to come on. Then watching that rom com with x-x and couples everywhere just had me wishing you were there.
I really don't know if you want this or not. Or even if you think you do, whether you want it as much as I do. And I'm not even saying I want it SO badly that I'll die without it. Honestly, I'd rather let it go than keep something there that isn't 100%. I've always been a rather clearcut-type of person -- I don't like gray areas tyvm.
I think I just need a little more time and self-persuasion before I'm ready to let this -- let you -- go. Just a little bit more resignation, doubt and and I'll be ready.
---
On a happier note, sat down to have a nice chat with a visiting professor this morning at breakfast! It was awesome really. He was smiling at us with such wistfulness and hope that I really couldn't take it. So we turned back to go chat with him! And I'm so glad that we did. Sometimes, all it takes is for someone to answer the smile. People complicate things way too much huh.
~ st*rcr*ss*d ~
Labels: him, life, reflection
posted by fallen star at 9:55 PM
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