Emotional Burden
Lately, he's been pretty angsty or even somewhat sour towards me, which leaves me perplexed and slightly irritated. It's kinda getting on my nerves that he can't seem to stop harping on my grades. I won't mind if he's doing it just to get a rise out of me, because it does and I probably should just learn to deal with it; so that's my own problem. But if he's doing it because he's feeling pressurised by my score then it's fucking stupid. I don't know. Ugh. For the first time in my life, I'm actually doing decently well for academics and people are making me feel like I shouldn't celebrate it. No freaking wonder I never liked being labelled "smart" or "gifted" in my past 10 years of education huh. Seems like she's the only one who's happy for me.
---
Ah, and so the topic turns to her. She, on the other hand, seemed to be somewhat affected by another area - sports. I almost half-wish I didn't go join them for squash so that it might not have led to this. It's not like I want to be better than people all the time, in fact most of the time I feel bad about it. Why do you think I automatically apologise countless times when I play sports. Sometimes I really wish I didn't have this. Because when there's potential, there's expectations, and I hate having to live up to those. Perhaps from the fear of disappointing others.
I'm only slowly getting a hang of competing with myself and not with others; but seeing others compare themselves with me makes me feel immeasurably... sad. I wish people can see more of their own good things and appreciate themselves, but who am I to say it when I should be taking this advice too.
I was rather happy and content last night for the first time in a while now, but having those two incidents come in a night has made me emotionally stressed again. Maybe I've never really tried to reach my own potential before, because I'd so much rather be the inferior one than have people feel inferior because of me. Then nothing I say will really hit them for they'll all have a ring of consolation. But if I were the hopeless-cannot-make-it one, I'd be able to handle it so much better than being put on a higher pedestal; because then, I'd already conditioned myself to handling failures for most of my formative years anyway. Just laugh it off, like cathy's clown - the sound of laughter ringing through hallways or the flash of a grin that dismisses the bads in life, with the tears that flow unseen, inside.
---
---
Ah, and so the topic turns to her. She, on the other hand, seemed to be somewhat affected by another area - sports. I almost half-wish I didn't go join them for squash so that it might not have led to this. It's not like I want to be better than people all the time, in fact most of the time I feel bad about it. Why do you think I automatically apologise countless times when I play sports. Sometimes I really wish I didn't have this. Because when there's potential, there's expectations, and I hate having to live up to those. Perhaps from the fear of disappointing others.
I'm only slowly getting a hang of competing with myself and not with others; but seeing others compare themselves with me makes me feel immeasurably... sad. I wish people can see more of their own good things and appreciate themselves, but who am I to say it when I should be taking this advice too.
I was rather happy and content last night for the first time in a while now, but having those two incidents come in a night has made me emotionally stressed again. Maybe I've never really tried to reach my own potential before, because I'd so much rather be the inferior one than have people feel inferior because of me. Then nothing I say will really hit them for they'll all have a ring of consolation. But if I were the hopeless-cannot-make-it one, I'd be able to handle it so much better than being put on a higher pedestal; because then, I'd already conditioned myself to handling failures for most of my formative years anyway. Just laugh it off, like cathy's clown - the sound of laughter ringing through hallways or the flash of a grin that dismisses the bads in life, with the tears that flow unseen, inside.
---
"To me, you're perfect."
Such romantic words (even from a girl), but yet they only brought about a tinge of shock and melancholy.
Such romantic words (even from a girl), but yet they only brought about a tinge of shock and melancholy.
~ st*rcr*ss*d ~
Labels: friends
posted by fallen star at 2:31 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home