Deadweights and Driftwood
Midway through NAT now - but today was definitely a low point for the class. Everyone just exuded tiredness, so much so it was almost comical. Two people were even standing up and listening to class at some point.
Ended up having to stay till 6pm for the bday cake thing, even though we were let off earlier.
I still feel awkward, to say the least.
The bus ride home was so. so. so. packed.
Just made me think, once again (and again and again), that maybe Singapore is simply too crowded now. Somehow I never had that feeling in Tokyo, despite the 23 million people in the capital.
Am I just growing old? Or still rejecting the reality of a Singapore I no longer quite recognise or feel like I can connect with?
Then I come home, to a 5-room EA, with lots of things and space, but just lacking the most essential thing that makes a house a home - family. And then I start wondering why am I back here? Had I not found out during my uni years that family is best enjoyed in short but quality time periods? Why am I here? What do I have keeping me here? Really?
I love my family, I love the food, I love the green trees and the sheltered walkways everywhere. I love the familiar feeling, and the weather that never gets too cold. I like my room, sometimes. I like my job, or rather at least the benefits and welfare, sometimes. I like that my family is within reach, if and when we do spend time together- which is also? sometimes. But still... I start to wonder exactly what is keeping me here? Who? Why?
Perhaps its just the indecision, the hesitation, or maybe the excuse of not yet knowing what I want or where I want to go. But, I'm starting to wonder how valid that is as a staying reason? Isn't that just called "comfort zone" or "settling"?
I have this indescribable urge to just declutter, remove deadweights (from my life?), and just fling away unnecessary and superficially reassuring add-ons.
So I started by throwing away two pairs of shoes that should have been thrown a long time ago.
Does that count? I hope so.
Now I just need to keep it up.
~ st*rcr*ss*d ~
Ended up having to stay till 6pm for the bday cake thing, even though we were let off earlier.
I still feel awkward, to say the least.
The bus ride home was so. so. so. packed.
Just made me think, once again (and again and again), that maybe Singapore is simply too crowded now. Somehow I never had that feeling in Tokyo, despite the 23 million people in the capital.
Am I just growing old? Or still rejecting the reality of a Singapore I no longer quite recognise or feel like I can connect with?
Then I come home, to a 5-room EA, with lots of things and space, but just lacking the most essential thing that makes a house a home - family. And then I start wondering why am I back here? Had I not found out during my uni years that family is best enjoyed in short but quality time periods? Why am I here? What do I have keeping me here? Really?
I love my family, I love the food, I love the green trees and the sheltered walkways everywhere. I love the familiar feeling, and the weather that never gets too cold. I like my room, sometimes. I like my job, or rather at least the benefits and welfare, sometimes. I like that my family is within reach, if and when we do spend time together- which is also? sometimes. But still... I start to wonder exactly what is keeping me here? Who? Why?
Perhaps its just the indecision, the hesitation, or maybe the excuse of not yet knowing what I want or where I want to go. But, I'm starting to wonder how valid that is as a staying reason? Isn't that just called "comfort zone" or "settling"?
I have this indescribable urge to just declutter, remove deadweights (from my life?), and just fling away unnecessary and superficially reassuring add-ons.
So I started by throwing away two pairs of shoes that should have been thrown a long time ago.
Does that count? I hope so.
Now I just need to keep it up.
~ st*rcr*ss*d ~
posted by fallen star at 7:33 PM
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