Cold Run

I just went for a run in the cold and came to a realisation about my future: I'm probably going to just settle some day, because I'm too fucking scared to let go and fall in love.

Normally I'm quite a self-confident person, at least to others - I fake it well. But the key point is that I don't have to face my insecurities, cynicism and low self-esteem in my everyday life. It gets buried beneath all the problems I help others solve, the mundane routines in life, the never-ending deadlines...

But when it comes to liking someone, suddenly the floodgates are unlocked, and the whole accumulated lot comes gushing through. Coupled with this sudden jealous streaks. I really hate that.

And best of all, even before a relationship has started, my mind will wander off into scenarios of how it might end. Very positive outlook huh... Already 24 and so immature.

Sometimes I really envy people who can run with their emotions.

Sigh.


[Edit: 15 Jan 5.08am]
Guess what? After the cold run, the long chat with xx about my refusal to fall and resolution to keep my distance, I send a text message. To him. Just cuz I knew I would not be able to sleep if I didn't and I don't like regrets. I'm so full of mixed messages gosh.

And again, after this nth time of deciding to stay away, he saunters right in after 12m.n. to help me with my homework, (make my roommate awkward) and I immediately melt. Gosh. Barely 2 days and I missed the hugs.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~