I only seem to post when I have a loadful of unhappiness to dump, that I cant seem to dump on anyone... Sometimes I really wonder whether I should always hold back all the negative but truthful things I want to say to my friends, but never find the courage to... Even when I feel hurt at some action or inaction of theirs, I plaster this encouraging smile on my masked face and cajole them that ''Everything's fine and dont worry!''. In truth, each time something like that happens, it always appears that they are the ones who are more worried and upset than me. And the job of consolation falls to me once again.
Many times I wonder anew at the pointlessness of friends, especially since I never seem to tell them anything that bothers me. I'm trying harder now, but they have to win my trust first I guess. ''Once bitten twice shy'' really applies to me;each time someone lets me down in a certain circumstance, I will try my best to avoid that situation in future. T sai complained that I never ever ask her out, but... there was a period of time which I tried, and each time I got turned down due to whatever reasons, some even pathetic... Does it hurt to try? Definitely. In any case, she's a busy girl no matter how she denies it. Since I usually know of her plans beforehand, there never seems any time to slot me in. I still see her alot though, with trainings, j1 bonding sessions and what not... So, what's there to complain about? Heh.
I really miss P eixun... Especially earlier on, when I in my blissful ignorance, thought that practically everyone will be present at Marche tomorros, only to find that I'm wrong. I was a bit peeved at many pathetic excuses like ''I've been going out too much'', ''I dont feel like going'', ''Want to sleep in la'' and ''I'm broke'' and in my blatant disapproval of these people, I suddenly thought of Px and decided with so much surety that it surprised me a lil, that she will definitely feel the same way as I did. Even though I'm dirt broke too, having withdrawn like $130 ++ this week alone, I am still going tomorrow because I will not have her celebrate her bday with NO juniors at all... Just in case it happens, which I'm sure theres actually a huge possibility of...
I have not much regrets so far, after making my choice yesterday at 2.49 pm. But already, I'm feeling pangs of dissatisfaction even though today is a Public Holiday and thus I have no school. I felt great yesterday during training, because I didn't realise how much I actually missed hockey! But as usual, I started feeling left out again.. Sucks to have an odd number of people. But that's just my lame excuse to justify my friends and my denial.. Heh. In the og, I usually felt left out. In class, I'm drifting between ppl. Same way in my CCA... I get along fine with most others, but I don't have anyone to cling on to really... Whereas in tj, I somehow never really felt left out even in my cg or even when px was talking to others ahead of me or something. We were all quite included... Or maybe I just never let myself feel left out... Maybe the new environment and starting afresh was what I needed exactly... I never really got to start afresh because I knew people in the school and being from that certain school, there was an image and standard of behaviour...
Looking back now, my choice was definitely tampered by all those disappointed faces I could count... However, now I wonder if they really were worth it. Maybe I should have been stronger, braver, and calmer... But I was afraid that the amazing friendship I had with her wouldnt last. I was afraid I'd start missing hockey alot, and Sir and the seniors... And afterwards, I was afraid that I'd let Sir down because apparently he helped pull me in. With the appeal, meant more pressure, changed classes, making new friends, but happiness? I'm not so sure... Never was at the start and not now either... I know I'll do my best to make the best of the situation and be happy, but ultimately when I'm down, I hope I remember that I chose this path because of the end I had in mind. They say branding helps in the procurement of scholarships, and I do believe that. This is but two years, this is a means to an end, this is just a journey... But still I wonder if I could have got the scholarship on my own, if i had taken the lesser known path... And I wonder if I will get the scholarship on this path even. Lol reminds me of Frost's ''The Road Not Taken''.
I really miss P eixun. I know she'll be happy tho. Attagirl! =)
~ st*rcr*ss*d ~
Many times I wonder anew at the pointlessness of friends, especially since I never seem to tell them anything that bothers me. I'm trying harder now, but they have to win my trust first I guess. ''Once bitten twice shy'' really applies to me;each time someone lets me down in a certain circumstance, I will try my best to avoid that situation in future. T sai complained that I never ever ask her out, but... there was a period of time which I tried, and each time I got turned down due to whatever reasons, some even pathetic... Does it hurt to try? Definitely. In any case, she's a busy girl no matter how she denies it. Since I usually know of her plans beforehand, there never seems any time to slot me in. I still see her alot though, with trainings, j1 bonding sessions and what not... So, what's there to complain about? Heh.
I really miss P eixun... Especially earlier on, when I in my blissful ignorance, thought that practically everyone will be present at Marche tomorros, only to find that I'm wrong. I was a bit peeved at many pathetic excuses like ''I've been going out too much'', ''I dont feel like going'', ''Want to sleep in la'' and ''I'm broke'' and in my blatant disapproval of these people, I suddenly thought of Px and decided with so much surety that it surprised me a lil, that she will definitely feel the same way as I did. Even though I'm dirt broke too, having withdrawn like $130 ++ this week alone, I am still going tomorrow because I will not have her celebrate her bday with NO juniors at all... Just in case it happens, which I'm sure theres actually a huge possibility of...
I have not much regrets so far, after making my choice yesterday at 2.49 pm. But already, I'm feeling pangs of dissatisfaction even though today is a Public Holiday and thus I have no school. I felt great yesterday during training, because I didn't realise how much I actually missed hockey! But as usual, I started feeling left out again.. Sucks to have an odd number of people. But that's just my lame excuse to justify my friends and my denial.. Heh. In the og, I usually felt left out. In class, I'm drifting between ppl. Same way in my CCA... I get along fine with most others, but I don't have anyone to cling on to really... Whereas in tj, I somehow never really felt left out even in my cg or even when px was talking to others ahead of me or something. We were all quite included... Or maybe I just never let myself feel left out... Maybe the new environment and starting afresh was what I needed exactly... I never really got to start afresh because I knew people in the school and being from that certain school, there was an image and standard of behaviour...
Looking back now, my choice was definitely tampered by all those disappointed faces I could count... However, now I wonder if they really were worth it. Maybe I should have been stronger, braver, and calmer... But I was afraid that the amazing friendship I had with her wouldnt last. I was afraid I'd start missing hockey alot, and Sir and the seniors... And afterwards, I was afraid that I'd let Sir down because apparently he helped pull me in. With the appeal, meant more pressure, changed classes, making new friends, but happiness? I'm not so sure... Never was at the start and not now either... I know I'll do my best to make the best of the situation and be happy, but ultimately when I'm down, I hope I remember that I chose this path because of the end I had in mind. They say branding helps in the procurement of scholarships, and I do believe that. This is but two years, this is a means to an end, this is just a journey... But still I wonder if I could have got the scholarship on my own, if i had taken the lesser known path... And I wonder if I will get the scholarship on this path even. Lol reminds me of Frost's ''The Road Not Taken''.
I really miss P eixun. I know she'll be happy tho. Attagirl! =)
~ st*rcr*ss*d ~
posted by fallen star at 11:10 PM
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