Morose
I'm feeling useless and alone again. Lol. Maybe it's birthday blues? Or new year blues? I dunno. I'm resisting change and feeling unadventurous these days. I really don't look forward to the new year or the foray into the overworked and under-happy rat race. I'll probably learn alot of valuable lessons, but I'm facing the fact that I have to make friends again with trepidation. I'm not sure I can still be friendly and happy all the time. It's... taxing.
I dunno what's wrong with me - sitting here feeling so... emotionally lethargic. And so stupid, but I felt so sad when I heard that xx got the job at mondial because it was the first thing that I actually felt I won't mind working for. I guess I'm really picky, but thing is, I realised I'm not really into it for the money and practicality only. I really want to learn something from it. I know, I'm picky and I probably have no right to be, but... I really don't want to feel like I wasted 6 months doing something I didn't want to do right from the start. I'm way past that kinda stage where I just go with what's the easiest or what everyone is doing, just for the sake of doing it. The 4 years was a good enough lesson and I don't want to repeat that kind of feeling and stagnation. No point in learning a lesson then ignoring that lesson right - that's how regrets are created.
My father suggested I ask my third aunt about a job in HK and that really appealed to me. Ridiculously enough, especially so after I heard that xx got the job. Almost as though I lost a bf and so taking time away rofl. So stupid. What the hell is wrong with me.
Oh there's more. I told d- earlier that one half of me kinda prides myself on the fact that my friends don't really know my birthday, but then again the other half scoffs at it and asks wtf is so prideful about that. I don't really know why I'm so extreme about keeping it quiet. I know I don't like baying about it and demanding presents because I don't want people to feel obligated about it... Yet, I can't deny that when people know its my birthday, I feel quite happy. I don't know. Sigh. I think it's some kinda inferiority complex. Instead of feeling disappointed that nobody cares that it's my birthday (made worse by the fact that it's so early), I can say that its ME who didn't want them to know? Sigh. Psychological crap. Argh.
I'm starting to feel the way I did at the start of the last june. Kinda worrying, especially hello, tmr's your birthday girl, what's there to be sad about?! Right. I should be feeling special now since those only happen once a year and never again in your life. But maybe the problem is, I don't exactly feel special... Back to the emotional funk. Fuck. I better find something to do/interest me/learn soon. I don't want to get into that sorta emotional low again... Too many in too short a period. And it sucked. Bigtime.
Why the hell did I tear just now.
67 mins more of being 18...
Put on a brave smile and move on girl!
I dunno what's wrong with me - sitting here feeling so... emotionally lethargic. And so stupid, but I felt so sad when I heard that xx got the job at mondial because it was the first thing that I actually felt I won't mind working for. I guess I'm really picky, but thing is, I realised I'm not really into it for the money and practicality only. I really want to learn something from it. I know, I'm picky and I probably have no right to be, but... I really don't want to feel like I wasted 6 months doing something I didn't want to do right from the start. I'm way past that kinda stage where I just go with what's the easiest or what everyone is doing, just for the sake of doing it. The 4 years was a good enough lesson and I don't want to repeat that kind of feeling and stagnation. No point in learning a lesson then ignoring that lesson right - that's how regrets are created.
My father suggested I ask my third aunt about a job in HK and that really appealed to me. Ridiculously enough, especially so after I heard that xx got the job. Almost as though I lost a bf and so taking time away rofl. So stupid. What the hell is wrong with me.
Oh there's more. I told d- earlier that one half of me kinda prides myself on the fact that my friends don't really know my birthday, but then again the other half scoffs at it and asks wtf is so prideful about that. I don't really know why I'm so extreme about keeping it quiet. I know I don't like baying about it and demanding presents because I don't want people to feel obligated about it... Yet, I can't deny that when people know its my birthday, I feel quite happy. I don't know. Sigh. I think it's some kinda inferiority complex. Instead of feeling disappointed that nobody cares that it's my birthday (made worse by the fact that it's so early), I can say that its ME who didn't want them to know? Sigh. Psychological crap. Argh.
I'm starting to feel the way I did at the start of the last june. Kinda worrying, especially hello, tmr's your birthday girl, what's there to be sad about?! Right. I should be feeling special now since those only happen once a year and never again in your life. But maybe the problem is, I don't exactly feel special... Back to the emotional funk. Fuck. I better find something to do/interest me/learn soon. I don't want to get into that sorta emotional low again... Too many in too short a period. And it sucked. Bigtime.
Why the hell did I tear just now.
67 mins more of being 18...
Put on a brave smile and move on girl!
~ st*rcr*ss*d ~
posted by fallen star at 10:31 PM
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