Contemplation

Two days before I was to leave for Tokyo to complete my fifth and final year, was the first time I ever contemplated suicide in my life. Sure, I've had my thoughts about it before, and the surge of pity and sadness that accompanied such news, even those of strangers; but this is the first time ever that I thought about it personally. And I realise, it is such an easy easy thing to pull off, what with the skyscraper, HDB-filled city we live in...

Such a simple act to commit, but so dire and complicated too.

I was in a mess to even have had my thoughts gone that far... but then again family has always been the button to push for me. Tears, anger, disappointment, self-loathing, helplessness, what-ifs - things that don't often appear in my everyday life, come so quickly and easily to the fore when it comes to family...

Sure, nobody and no family is perfect; but all I'm asking is that we try, and not for perfection, but simply to make it work. Why so hard?

At least I think I've crawled on a little bit in moving on; now I even envision myself being the one that will be serving divorce papers to both my parents. But then, honestly I think that's just an easy way out.

Sigh.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~