Down

I fucked up so bad today. So bad... So bad... A moment of hesitancy and I paid so dearly for it. My team paid so dearly for it. A rushed moment, and its all lost. How ironic that the first thing I saw was "The One That Got Away". Indeed. So close... so close. Hope given to us with that beautiful reverse shot; that hope was cruelly taken away by sudden death flicks. It was so, so, so wasted. She missed already! WHY DID I HAVE TO MISS TOO! I've never done a lousier flick in my life; and it had to be now. When it would cost me the most. I'm so past blaming people already because no matter how much u encourage them, scold them, nag them, it JUST DOESNT GET INTO THEIR HEAD. Whats the use of losing my fucking voice if its all for nought. Everyone says so; Everyone noticed... They were undeserving. The ball wuz kept in their 25 yards most times and our defence was solid even. The only time they entered our d wuz when we conceded stupid short corners. I wuz the one who said it, "no regrets;play your heart out". I wish I could have done more. I wish I had better stamina and more speed; Wish I had more ball control or sense for that kill. Then maybe I could have contributed way more than simply shouting myself hoarse... I could DO what I scream at them, nag at them, remind them, want them to do... I never realised how much faith they had in me in that one shot. They thought it done; so did i. In my confidence and nervousness, I fumbled. Great. At that moment, I realised just this one season's never going to be enough. I have to redeem myself somehow. Only question left is: which club to join now?

They said I was strong, mentally so strong. I almost laughed. Do I have a choice? Who the fuck wants to see a crying captain. She said she was cynical deep down; I almost laughed too. The reason why I never seem firmer, is simply because I don't like to show my ugly, emotional side to people. I just don't have much faith in people as being good listeners or caring the heck how others feel. No one wants to listen to another person's troubles; No one wants to face a pissed off bull; No one knows how to comfort someone who cries... Humans are fucking selfish creatures. All for themselves and seldom for others. I don't have faith in the goodness of people. I just don't. So ironic that the first person I want to pour my troubles to and run to is someone I've never met before, and a few thousand miles away only.

I'm so tired of being strong.


~ st*rcr*ss*d ~