inna funk

in a inna funk.

haha. quite funny huh?

at least i still find stuff funny nowadays, even if only a distant part of my mind smiles...

i dunno whats wrong with me again... i tried for one week, well trying = going to school, then i stopped after. figured, hey if im gonna go to school to sleep, might as well stay home in the comfort of my bed! and bloody hell, i did exactly that.

11-13 hours of sleep for the past week or so; weirdass sleeping times like 5am-7am; waking up after that 11-13 hours of sleep and taking a 2 hour nap, 1 hour later. am i da best or wat??

and i guess the best thing is, nobody believes me. after all hey i'm a R-, we're all supposed to be closet muggers in denial... all supposed to be smartasses who mug like crazy when they have to... smart asses who always do well, even if theyre lazy... how i wish it wuz so. i really cant seem, or probably dont want to, get around the mental funk i've been in ever since the start of june... so i've made myself accept the idea that i'd flunk the bottom outta my cts and then get the hugest shittiest scare in my life and mug like crazy for the 4-5 months after... so at least, it'll sound like a plan and what not right? better than giving ur best and blood and finding out it isn't enough... fuck. i'm just a coward. i've always known it. since i've never, in my entire memory anw, ever given my best in academic pursuits, its hard to swallow now that i absolutely HAVE TO because this is IT. i guess its hard facing up to the fact that I probably might never be good enough, even if i try my best. funny... i thought that was exactly what i promised myself i'd face up to in jc... but now i'm relapsing more than ever into that sorta depressing, pessimistic, and mostly STUPID thoughts. because the logical side of me knows, i probably might not be good enough even when i've given it my best, but if i NEVER try to give my all, then i'll ALWAYS never be good enough...

i'm so good at accepting mediocrity that i've probably brought myself down to that level... whenever i dream big, i slowly shoot down those dreams, telling myself its outta reach and outta league, until i come up with a more possible, more reachable, easier path basically, and then i somehow make myself accept it resignedly.

i need to get outta this. COME ON! whats the point in being good at motivating others when u cant do anything about urself?!?! i've got... 4.5 days. to squeeze in 6 months work and get rid of depressed shit i've been swamped in the past 3.5 weeks. its not easy, okay fine, its fucking hard. but whoever said it wuz gonna be easy?

okay things i have to have to have to glance through at least once otherwise i'd have nothing to write, or smoke about rather...

- ECONS
--> macro
--> inflation
--> monetary policies
--> int'l trade and protectionism
--> national income accounting
** Study the millions of essay examples given, no time for mcq, just gonna flunk that

- MATHS
--> Trigo 1 2 3
--> DRV
--> Probability
--> P&C

- LIT
--> HoD (at least read through some of the painstakingly taken down notes babe...)
--> read DoM Act 1 again. (more like the notes on the side duh)
** Read some pretty good PC essays and take note of how to develop and illustrate a point

-HIST
--> Economic aspect of nation-building (try to read the notes like more than 1x okay babe?)
--> Look up past essays on Origins of CW; read through some pospapers, notes wtv
--> Glance through UN notes (so fucking many grrr)
--> Glance through Singapore notes (shit which part is impt?!?!)
** Must must must get hold of some SBQ essays and learn how to develop good paras properly without going off tangent. min words, maximum marks.


lol i guess i really do sound schizophrenic. the logical reasonable "level-headed and sensible" part of me has been swamped and drowned by the irrational lazy me the past weeks... guess i didnt have mental prepn about how i'd actually spend my time when i have TOO much time. I still maintain that i dont like having too much time, because have too much time = having to think of what to do with my time.. and i HATE thinking. i'm such a barbie.

~ st*rcr*ss*d ~